Wow was I angry yesterday. And tired and fragile etc. It was a long painful day, I went to my massage which was needed as always. Though because I was needing to feel pain I didn’t make her ease off most of the time and am very sore in some places because of that. At the same time, so much else is looser and less painful so overall it was good pain. I had booked a taxi to get home from there as after a long day of travel with bags i didn’t want to go from massage back out onto a rush hour bus. The taxicard service is so bad now that once again they cancelled my booked cab and couldn’t tell me how long it was going to be for another to accept the job. This was a BOOKED car that cancelled last minute, something that has happened so many times in the last year that I’ve lost count. In frustration and with the bitter memory of several occasions previously where this exact thing has happened and I’ve been left alone in the cold and rain waiting for a new cab for OVER THREE HOURS before I give up and cancel it. I burst into tears saying I couldn’t wait, I couldn’t do another 3 hours in the cold when I still had a lot of stuff to do. I cancelled it myself and got onto a Very packed bus. And I declined quickly. As I got closer to home I was nearing a full on paranoid crisis. Here’s where my practice kicked in and I put a call out for people to talk to, anyone for any amount of time about anything. I had to get out of my head because fuck it was dark and scary in there. And between the bus and mine I tried calling 2 people, both didn’t answer. Normally that would make me sink further but I’d already put out that call so I focused on walking and my music and got home. My heart pounding by the time I got to my door.
I immediately started cleaning feeling a NEED to throw things out and clean up as much as I could. So I ‘somewhat manically’ started bouncing around the flat from thing to thing, every light was on so I could go from room to room as things took me. Pushing aside the pain and exhaustion. I needed to do this. During my tidy frenzy I got a message from someone and I immediately called them. Talking to them about all sorts while I moved around the house cleaning up. We’d not spoken in a while so it was good to catch up and I needed to get out of the darkness. Hmmmm I’ve just realised the connection with having all the lights on…!
They spoke with me as long as they could then I spent a long time vacuuming which was highly satisfying. With clean carpets, well the bits of carpet that are exposed, I felt more relaxed and started thinking about food. And took some time to check my post asking for help. 3 more people offering to talk. Yayy for friends. Started messaging them back and one called me straight away, another person I’d not spoken to in a long time. So great to catch up with them too and I chatted until my dinner was cooked and I was going to need my mouth to eat! And it gave me a chance to check my tablet, which had a message from another person that had been sent hours earlier. Another person I’ve not spoken to in ages and who I’ve just caught up with. People have been great responding to my plea, one thing that has stood out to me in my recent crisis’ is the number of friends from the way back machine who I’ve not seen or spoken to in a while who are reaching out to me is comparatively really high and it’s been nice. As I ate, still standing, the fatigue started to set in and I just couldn’t push any further.
I have to say that despite being home and in a bad trigger situation it was really nice to be in my own bed, it was a relatively short sleep as I got up early to finish cleaning and go to the gym but I’m looking forward to having more sleep in it next week, even if the mattress is past it’s best, it’s still my bed and my mattress at the right firmness and my bedding that I’m not worried about getting hair dye on and all set up to be warm and heavy. A home crafted weighted blanket before those became a thing!
Much needed, along side the electric blanket, to relax my body and help me get to sleep. It generally doesn’t set off the allodenia, thank fuck and reduces the potential pain levels for the next day.
It doesn’t however magically restore my spoons, when I got up this morning my legs were so weak. Still went to the gym though!
Am back on a train heading back home* feeling sore and hoping my spoons last long enough to get me back and get to the shop to buy food. The gym was difficult, not because of the workout though that was hard too, had to take it easy. But I struggled with my reflection. The body is wrong. Sculpting with workouts will eventually help but that can only do so much. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy and comfortable in it. I learned to tolerate it and to not hate it, though that pops up occasionally still. I think surgery is going to be needed, if only it was all sortable. There’s stuff that’s just not “fixable” and has been a trauma point since puberty. I think I can learn to deal, after all I learnt to stop viciously hating it. But it’ll be many years before theres any resolution with body stuff.
*my temporary home obvs.
P.S I made it back okay, via the shop so I have some food too! Everything is still very flooded of course the photo (taken on a fast train with dirty windows) is crop fields not dedicated ponds or a water processing plant…! Oh and there were more responses to my help request, Yayy. Now settling down with brainkillers and plans for a rest day tomorrow, hoping for less stress and some ability to make a damn decision……!!
The Bouncing Spoon 