I might, might have got a doctor to agree that i need to see a psychiatrist. .. its only taken TEN MONTHS of asking. With repeated trips to the gp and A&E, recommendations that i admit myself to psych units, worsening of my symptoms continually for over a year and my health grinding into the ground, telling them about the assault(s), a frankly useless mental health nurse. And, Me saying over and over again. Health professionals really dont like it when patients know what they need.
To be fair, thanks to the government deliberately tearing the country apart. Mental health, along with every thing else, services have been severely stripped back. Lots of people working there are overworked, under intense pressure and burning out. Access to services is very restricted and resources are lacking. On top of that, the decades of misinformation and stigma against mental health and neuro divergent issues is prevalent everywhere…including within the NHS and other health services.
This means that anyone requiring help has to push and keep making lots of noise to get even basic attention. If ones mental health prevents someone from bon myeing the stereotypical loud “crazy person” if it makes you isolate and not be able to communicate without significant stress then, well…you get nothing.
I have had to work HARD to get this far just for one psych appointment, and I wont even know for another 2-3 weeks if the recommendation is actually going to made to the psychiatrist. On that note: my MH nurse actually said, when discussing her talking to the psych on my behalf “you’ve already been waiting a long time, another couple of weeks will be fine” …… What the Actual Fuck? She comes out with several gems like that each meeting.
But back to my point, its taken 10 months of me pushing as hard as my health will allow. Ive used up sooooo many spoons just asking for help and recognition. Spoons that could have been used on improving my health and making my circumstances better. Instead virtually nothing has improved to any significant or tangible amount. And many things have degraded massively. The whole time ive been stressing my heart, my body as a whole, my mind and my friends. The way services are patients are trested as though they dont matter unless they are actually bleeding or, as the crisis phoneline worker once said “call back when you’re actually suicidal” For real! when i called to say that I was on the verge… There is no provision for prevention over trying to put the pieces together after a break. Suffice to say, it wasn’t long until i was back in A&E
Im so tired of being treated like needy useless scum by the people who are there to help, im sick of being pushed aside because my MH doesn’t exactly fit their textbook description, I’m sick of ignorant and obstinate butt hurt professionals having power over my life. And im sick of being sick. Why am I torturing myself to save the feelings of others? Nobody depends on me, very few people check in with me, it could literally be weeks before the majority of people would notice i was gone! Other than my neighbour, who is currently away for a month or two. So why am I still torturing myself. I dont know.
The Bouncing Spoon 