Little miss sleepy head

Sooooooooooooooooo tired. Barely able to keep my eyes open, been this way for days. At the same time I’ve been all stressed and wound up. Until this morning when I did my mindful yoga class. it was really difficult physically, being fatigued I had to take many rest breaks and skip some poses altogether, but the class was exactly what i needed to reconnect my wandering and troubled mind and relax my body. I wanted to go to sleep in the class a couple of times, and I got home (which was a challenge doing!!) I climbed straight into bed and managed to have a nap 🙂

It’s good that I am getting some much needed sleep, a tad inconvenient though!

The yoga I am currently doing is an 8 week course, with homework, designed specifically as therapeutic for depression and anxiety. I did the course once already and found it helpful so I pleaded with them to allow me to repeat it, which they granted YAYY. I used to do yoga regularly and out of everything I have tried it has worked the best for nearly all of my health issues, reducing the levels of medications I have to take and reducing the severity of physical and emotional flare ups

It’s a very well designed course, with a fabulous tutor, and comes with an incredibly detailed handbook that goes into great detail about the biology of what we’re doing alongside the yogic beliefs and systems. Designed by The Minded Institute I highly recommend doing something with them if you’re suffering and finding it hard to manage depressive or anxious thoughts   http://www.yogaforthemind.info/

 

I also discovered on my way home that someone from my old community rehab group has moved into a flat just down the road from me. Was walking a regular route to mine when in the periphery of my senses i noticed someone knocking hard on their window, I decided to turn and look, and was surprised to see someone that I know. We had a little chat and I was invited in, though in my state I graciously refused, i hope without insult. and invited them to mine for a cuppa so I think it all went okay. The encounter has naturally stirred up a mixture of feelings but over all it seems positive, which is a relief 🙂

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Practicing positive thinking

In an attempt to not be grumpy and miserable at not having achieved all I wanted today, I decided to practice some self praise. I am learning to recognise and celebrate allachievements, no matter how (apparently) small.
So I started listing stuff in my head…

• Have done a fucktonne of washing up
• Done and hung laundry
• Taken down and folded previous wash (ready to be put away another time)
• Put away shopping
• Done some tidying
• Pushed fridge back to its proper space
• Eaten food
• And gotten lots of bed rest

The latter was not much of a choice as am suffering lots today physically, period pain is intense and brainkillers + TENS + hot water bottle + cookies are barely managing to subdue the stabbing cramping agony.

But as I’ve said, I have chosen to try see the positive in today, so the enforced bed rest was obviously required and my body was just insisting I actually do it.

Also, that list of stuff done is massive! Seriously, it’s huge, and for a day where I’ve felt like death warmed up its outstanding.

So it’s even more important to practice my self praise, because the demon inside keeps telling me I’ve failed.

Even my worries have got worries

Things have been rather doom and gloom lately.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am processing a few issues, big issues, too big for me to comprehend as a whole. So brain has slowly been settling into a system of break-it-down-into-small-manageable-bits, each of which is itself huge! Until the moments where I am able to allow myself to dig for clarity I’m unable to ‘see’ the big issue, but I’m working on it.

Though that does mean that much of the last couple weeks I have been depressed, angry, paranoid, agoraphobic, socially phobic and tearful. The crazy vivid dreams are back, fibromyalgia building to a level that cannot be ignored, fluctuating fatigue and now I am headed into a new menstrual cycle which is always draining and often emotionally unstable, it’s feeling like it could be a bad one too.

It’s annoyingly common for things to coincide, each aggravating another condition triggering a slow cascade of ever darkening despair. Body and mind exhausted and struggling to cope with everyday life.

In unusual contrast I’ve also been more productive, doing bits of housework (including the dreaded washing up) regularly, sometimes as much as 3 days in a row. Brain seems to have finally come to accept the need to do a tiny bit at a time.
At my current rate of progress it’ll take me a year or two to vanquish the depressing mass of hoarded crap, piles of rubbish, stupid amounts of housework and “stuff” (not to mention my coursework, business plans and work!) but at least I’m doing it and accomplishing something.
Eventually it will trickle down into brain give greater positive feedback. I look forward to that.

In the mean time I have little to no actual feeling about it. That’s the thing about depression, i just do stuff, unfeeling and barely conscious, suicidal thoughts flashing by and occasionally being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions leaving completely debilitated for days.

It’s a confusing time.

I have, kinda by choice isolated myself, so talking to someone about this stuff is difficult. I miss having a person I can turn to, having made my choice I need to find another way to blow off steam and reduce the risk of escalating psychological problems.

I’ve thought of calling the Samaritons, not got any further than thinking, yet.

This Buzzfeed article is fairly good as expressing some of the anxiety I’ve been dealing with…! 24 comics about anxiety

Hopefully there will be a breakthrough soon, I don’t enjoy being this low and in so much pain.

Hugs, if wanted.

Far too many people, sadly some of them my friends, need to understand this.

Sometimes, it's just a cigar

A lovely phrase I have learnt from twitter is “hugs if wanted”. When someone is upset or distressed a hug can be a wonderful thing, for other people though they can simply increase the stress, being touched can be triggering and we can never know how another might react. Often we want to hug someone because of our needs, to silence their sorrow, to feel we are doing something, to appear compassionate. Then the hug becomes about us and our ego, not about the person who is expressing strong emotion.

There is a reason for this wander around the topic of enthusiastic consensual hugging, today DLT got found not guilty of sexual assault, of groping. The news is reporting that he claimed simply to be a touchy feely kind of guy, one who hugged and had no il intention behind those hugs.

I do not have a predatory nature with…

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HOW TO TALK TO NORMAL PEOPLE

HOW TO TALK TO NORMAL PEOPLE

I stumbled across this yesterday, someone on twitter had linked to it. 

Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg goes into delightful detail on how precisely one of ‘us’ should approach and talk to a normal person.

I imagine anyone who has experience of the disabled life, either first hand or through friends/family will find this as funny as I did!!

Asking for fucking help

Went for a regular appointment for my Tourette’s Syndrome psychiatry clinic.

I usually just go in once a year for a check in, have a very quick meeting and be out again in no time. Yesterday was different, after finding a level of peace with my tics a couple years ago this last year has become increasingly distressful for me. I dont take medication for it, mostly because I suffered badly with side effects when I did try it. I’m on a long waiting list for botox in my neck, and possibly throat, in the hope tnat my neck can be pain free for the first time in 2 years. I dont care that it’ll be temporary, a break from the tension and pain will be a most welcome relief. But that wont deal with anything other than my neck (and a lot of the resulting headaches) 

So I asked for help, a support group, to help me fully come to accept and be comfortable with my TS. Learning coping mechanisms I may not have encountered, and getting ideas on how best to deal with OTHER PEOPLE…..! I am far better/more comfortable with talking and explaining things but after around 15years of working hard to hide or disguise my tics, not being believed by doctors, told i was imagining, or making it up. I had become so adept at hiding, as best as possible, whenever anyone was around, its proving hard to break that behavioral pattern. And I really want to break it, I spend so much energy holding back and it causes so much pain, that i can do without!

It turned into a long and very emotional appointment, once i started crying I couldn’t stop for minutes. Luckily there was time for me to recover to a speaking state as it took a while to find information needed.

I have been given details about the Tourette’s Action group and contacted them as soon as I got home. And we have decided to increase my visits for the time being while I deal with this issue. overall it was a good visit, very productive and helpful, though it did leave me totally emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. So back into my nest I climbed.