On a mad cap trip home over night. Heading back to get my monthly massage and use the gym. I can’t go 6 weeks without the gym, I’m bloody paying for it and I need to maintain the small amount of work I have done. Hopefully too I’ll actually have a letter with a appointment from the referral that my crap gp didn’t do a month ago. And then I can start the process of getting it moved to a convenient time. I very much doubt there’ll be a response to my latest complaint as they’ve ignored my previous ones. I need to report them to the next level up to make sure they’re registering those complaints and not just shredding them.
Right now I’m sat on a train thankful that storm Dennis hasnt resulted in my journey being cancelled or switched to buses. Being distracted regularly by the sights of burst rivers, and flooded fields & city centres. I’m very, very tired, short tempered, in a fair bit of pain and rather depressed. Sleep is, as always, difficult. My back is agony every morning and waking me up. I’d try sleeping on the floor if it weren’t for the fibro and allodenia (yeah I know that’s misspelled, fuck off. See…I’m tetchy) writing that stuff about Canada put me in full contact with all of that anxiety at once and I had a dreadful evening which sleeping didn’t help, though I thought it would. Maybe it did help by stopping it from worsening but I didn’t feel any better in the morning. In fact I felt more down than I had in a while and I still feel low.
I’ve redone the calculations on the Canada trip as is and it’s still coming up as doable but tighter than a overdone locknut. If I went for a private room at Jasper and just one other city (gotta get to an airport) it would still be tight, in fact it’d mean a very short stay there, no chance to do any touristy things and very little likelyhood of seeing friends. It would all be spent on a 8-9day stay plus travel days. Which I don’t like the sound of. So I’m back to square one again working out what to do. And whether I should just go south instead and get some sun and warmth, do Canada another year. Though it’ll be a couple of years at least until I can afford any more trips. More if things continue the way they have been. After a brief period of feeling like maybe I can sort my life out I’m back to feeling hopeless and wondering what the fucking point is.
I wonder how much of it is down to my sister being evasive and me not dealing with it well. I don’t know why and that’s the biggest thing for me, if she’d at least tell me then I could understand it and deal with that, I don’t deal well with not knowing when there’s a chance that I could know. Like with someone else promising to help me then ghosting me, not even responding to me asking them to just say if they’re not able to help. Being ignored is the problem, being neglected, whatever the reason. Whether people’s intentions are good, if they mean to do well but are unable to follow through, if they’re being triggered somehow by my behaviour, if they’ve realised they actually don’t have the time or spoons or there’s some other conflict. JUST FUCKING TELL ME. Especially when I have asked. Even when I’ve given them easy outs and they still don’t fucking talk to me. I am fucked off with the lack of communication. I get that people don’t or can’t communicate well, fuck knows I was THE WORST at it not too long ago (okay 10 years and more but that’s not that long unless you’re under the age of 20 odd) but seriously, when I have explained that I just need to know , when I have asked and the answers I received contradict what’s happening, when I get no straight answer. It does my head in.
It would be a lie to say I don’t care why my sister doesn’t want to see me, I obviously do care. But to be less stressed by it I want to know why. It’s difficult for me to just walk away and leave it. I’m going to, but all the possibilities will continue to run through my mind, all the what ifs and maybes. Driving myself mad imagining all the horrible ways I’ve behaved to make them not want to be around me. All the horrendous things I’ve done to piss people off. I’m now crying on a very busy train, in part because of the underlying depression, exhaustion and back pain, in part at the thought of how much of a bad person ive been. How much I have failed, how much I’ve treated others badly. Wondering what I’ve done to make people, in particular my sister, reject me.
My sisters lack of enthusiasm at meeting me, the non responses to most of my messages. Then I get confused when she does respond and sounds interested, but non committal. Leaving it to me to chase her, which I hate doing as I hate pestering people in case I annoy them. And I get passive aggressive which is an old and not often utilised trait for me now. It’s a bad reaction and a shameful one.
If she doesn’t want to see me I wish she’d say, especially after last time and the letter I wrote. Where I asked her to tell me if there was anything and we met up and though I didn’t offload everything on my chest (I’m trying to not do that too) it did seem as though things were okay. But were they really? Is she just super busy and never wants to spend the little free time she has seeing anyone, I get that, I really do! but please tell me so that I’m not pestering or putting any pressure on. Was she covering something up? Something too personal or awkward to share? Was she… actually you know what I’m just fucking winding myself up again. I’ve been through this. I tried to get a resolution. I failed.
She knows I’m in town for a while. I’m not going to contact her again. In fact I’m just not going to contact her again for a while as I cannot take any more rejection whether it’s ill perceived or intentional. I’d love to see the kids, didn’t get to last time, but never mind. And I’m going to have to deal with my friend constantly asking me if I’ve seen her yet and the bemused looks when I say no. Their family is very different and she doesn’t understand not only why but that other families just don’t all want to talk to each other and spend every Christmas and birthday together… it doesn’t compute in her mind. I will continue to send birthday / Xmas gifts to the kids, when my health permits me to. The blanket extension is on hold as I want to know if they want them extended. Though I could always use the bits for a different blanket for someone else. I need to pack up as I’m changing trains in a few minutes (and my battery is running low) brb
If it were possible to visit a universe where I was dead there would be the freedom of nobody knowing who I am (because if I’m dead then I cannot be me) and it would be fascinating to see the differences and similarities and to see what I could achieve there or if I’d just fail all over again. That latter thing can easily be tested by me moving to somewhere I’ve never been and no one in my close family has. Nobody would know me and I could just be me, whoever that is. But I’d be curious to see how the world I know would be different if I weren’t in it. That fascinating idea moves into a worry that actually my suspicions would be confirmed by seeing that everyone is just fine without me. For years not wanting to hurt my sister has been a way of getting away from strong suicidal feelings. It’s brought up resentment and anger, upset and guilt. I’ve hated a therapist for using it against me to break me out of an intense want to die, to stop me planning anything. But my not wanting to upset her/abandon her is extremely self centred and narcissistic. As if somehow me being alive has some sort of positive effect on anyone’s life. It doesn’t. It just has some not-shit effects such as people not being temporarily sad. That’s it. I’ve done nothing particularly “great” that requires my continued existence. It’s does not matter if I keep going. I do not matter.
Don’t worry I’m not going to do anything now, I’ve made a promise to look after my friends animals and I’m not going to intentionally let them down. Maybe the remaining month will give me time to refocus and find something to bother for. Maybe it’ll just give me time to wrap things up.
The Bouncing Spoon 