psyched

I have just had what I think is one of the best psychiatrist appointments, ever. Before I went in I’d been told that he was good, very progressive and a proponent of art as personal development and emotional management (he’s on the trustee board of the art charity I access) also generally non judgmental.

Turns out that’s all true. He agrees with me on my bullshit diagnosis and what I feel I should be relabled as. He hates the labels we are forced to use, thinks most of them are bullshit and often hinder people, I agree. He said my “diagnosis” is wrong and is very actually very complicated, that labelling me as having a personality disorder is offensive and wrong, I agree! He said that I’m dealing with complex trauma….No shit! And he’s going to write to my gp and others to tell them so. Maybe they’ll start treating me with some respect and less like just some emotionally unstable crazy ******. That’s my hope and opinion not his! He’s also going to send me a copy of the document that I can print out to my hearts content to show to others if needed.

Because of the fucking appalling way things have gone on my way to get here he had ZERO idea of my gender and body issues, because no one had bothered to make a note of it, as usual. He has advised patience and to wait for a stable period before I make any kind of decisions. I struggle with that, it’s such a crisis issue for me that it’s rather consuming but I do understand and of course would not make irriversable choices without careful thought. But I do NEED to understand what it is I fucking want because I don’t know. And to do that I need to talk it through lots, with others who understand and can give advice. But again, I understand his advice, I just don’t like it. He was also apologetic for misgendering me, something that happened because no fucker had bothered to tell him or put it in my notes, which he had read prior to me getting there.

He also asked that I be patient with my mental health nurse because as much of a useless grumpy **** as she is (he was not polite about her!), she is also in the best position to help with certain things. So be patient and keep my appointment with her. Urgh…. fine. It’ll be a lesson in practicing some bullshit life skills I guess, learning to be understanding of others failings without getting angry. And I suppose learning to use the system. Or something like that.

He scoffed lightly at the suggested anti depressant I’ve been told to use. Interesting response that I would have loved to dig deeper into, but there wasn’t time. And he thinks it’s rediculous that I’m being pressured to stop taking the medication I’m on, that’s working, for something untried that’s nobody knows what will do to me. He said that the drive to get people off pregabalin is the new “danger drug fad” or something like that,  and I absolutely fucking agree. And he’s going to write to my gp and recommend that they leave me the fuck alone in that regard, though not quite in those words.

Fucking, yes, mate.

Them literally harassing me to drastically change my medication regime is causing me more distress at a time when I need support and stability, not stabbing in the back by the people who are supposedly my support system. And the ones with so much control over my healthcare. So maybe they will stop pestering me to fuck around with my medication while simultaneously NOT supporting me and dropping me in the shit, repeatedly.

It was such a good meeting, particularly compared to other ones and the last 19 months of crying and begging. I can’t yet take it all in and am still processing. We discussed so much in only 30 minutes, a time set because he was given poor information about what I needed the appointment for. I’ve almost stopped shaking. I was shaking with nerves before I went in, all those months of built up anxiety and stress. Now I’m shaking because I am all overflowing with the different subjects we skimmed over and the highly positive attitude he had toward me. The respect he showed towards me towards my thoughts and feelings, it’s blown my mind. That’s both wonderful and horrifying. It highlights the disgusting way I’ve been treated up to now and just how much fucking shit people have to swim through just for basic assistance within the system. It’s also such a relief. I feel like he listened to me, he asked questions where he didn’t understand, and was open to his own mistakes and assumptions about me. He treated me like a human with needs and opinions and a valid view on myself, not an incapable irritating nuisance who doesn’t get a say in how to live my own life.

He recommended I never drink alcohol alone, something which I already know and very rarely do because of the risks… for the rest of my life. I don’t like the reminder that that’s how it has to be but he’s right. Annoyingly. And that I avoid skunk, because again it’s not good for me. He suggested finding seeds for some good local green and growing my own…. neat! Because the chemical balance within those varieties will be more beneficial to me. Which I know and agree with, it’s just fascinating to have a medical professional openly discuss weed and make recommendations for a more appropriate type to use. Obviously that’s unlikely to make it into the written report going to other healthcare professionals! But again, it was good not to be judged and critisised for it, instead given practical advice. Not spoken down to and simply told don’t do it. Spoken to like a person, with a mind and the ability to use it. Not someone who needs to be lectured and condescended to, as is the typical response. And his response to me saying I occasionally do dominatrix stuff was also atypical and fascinating. He understands it and immediately commented on how I was being the therapist for clients and how hard it can be… he really understands it, amazing. And again with zero judgment.

There was so much we talked about, a lot of it I will keep private I think. It’s all things I’ve discussed here, I think, I just want to ponder our conversation privately for a while.

So I had to stop writing for a class (just tried capoeira!) and have had a bit of time to process stuff in the background. Pondering stuff on the walk from class to the gym and I reflected on how open I was about my own failings, and my understanding of myself. Because of the way he treated me, openly and frankly being honest about his opinions on things. And of course my paranoia crept in, what if his attitude was an act? What if he uses what I said against me? Have I just shot myself in the foot? I don’t think so but it doesn’t stop the reactive thoughts, behaviour learnt early on via her doing just that to me, followed by a string of abusive relationships with gaslighters and two-faced manipulative wankers who gather information on people to be used at a later date. So I’m moderately comforted by the knowledge that this is a paranoid thought and likely has little to no basis in reality in this particular situation. Doesn’t stop the feeling though. Based on what I’ve heard and what I experienced I think he was genuine. As usual only time will tell how much he will do of the list he made. And how much of it will be accurate. Plus, if I do want to see him again will it be as simple as he claimed it would be. I did ask him to please tell the gp and MH nurse that he told me I can rebook with him any time. Apparently I had a no-show appointment a few months back. I’d allegedly been given an appointment but nobody bothered to tell me about it, I cannot process that right now but I imagine I’ll get quite angry. It’s not at all surprising given all the crap that I’ve had to deal with and the incompetence within the service. Anyway, I gotta put the phone down and focus on my exercise now. Back later

I’m back, I hope you didn’t miss me too much in between sentences! I am very sore and tired but I made to capoeira and the gym so my brain is happy with me, might not be quite so pleased tomorrow when I struggle to move but… worth it. And I definitely needed the processing time, away from mine and in a communal space even if I was being alone in that space. (Mostly writing this or exercising and trying to understand what happened this morning, I still am unsure that it actually happened) I have much less tooth pain today, HORAH. Oh, yeah, I broke another tooth and damaged another a couple of nights ago while at my friends house. They very kindly took me to a dentist near them where I’d managed to get an emergency appointment. Thankfully no serious damage, the teeth apparently look healthy. He filled in the bit that had broken off and told me to stop grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw…. I told him that is easier said than done. The blank expression on his face told me he understands absolutely nothing about stress and how that affects people or makes them do things such as grind their teeth in their sleep. But that event has highlighted that I really need a new dentist asap so that I can get a new mouth guard as I’ve lost mine. Something that I need either a lot of spoons to do myself or help with. I used to go to a specialist clinic that treated people who were homeless, with preexisting conditions and alcohol/drug dependencies, things that make it difficult to see a regular dentist as they’re not equipped or experienced with those things. As demonstrated by yesterday’s dentists reaction to my comment. That clinic access is no longer available, [sarcastic voice] thanks government funding cuts. Thankfully I had a friend with me yesterday who had made it physically possible to get to a dentist urgently when I don’t have one of my own. The love and care they demonstrated in doing that for me made it possible for me to stay calm and get my tooth repaired just one day after it broke. And working around my booked train time to get back home! When I did get back and opened the street door to the communal stairs standing there on the stairs waiting for someone to collect them was one of my former carers. I invited her in for tea, she took one look at the mess and I explained my current difficulty with managing the housework and she got a bit upset that things were so hard for me right now. She took off her coat and gently pushed me out of the kitchen proceeding to clean it up for me. Because it wasn’t going to get done for a couple of days at least. She did that for me because she wanted to help, and refused money from me, but did accept a hug 🙂 she was waiting quite a while so we got to have a chat and tea too and that combined with my friends help made me feel very loved yesterday. And certainly took some of the pressure off today, getting up this morning to a clean and tidy-ish kitchen made my day start well. And though I was a bag of nerves I could relax somewhat knowing that a big chunk of housework was done. Following up with that psych appointment, something I had shed blood and tears trying to get for almost 2 years, which then went so well. I currently feel a bit unreal. I have been stressing about how busy this week is and will continue to be until the very end, the help volunteered by others and the positive treatment from the psych is almost too much to take. But oh so welcome. And thats a big personal step, allowing others to help, allowing myself to be “in need” and vulnerable. It’s a big step forward. There’s still miles to go and always so much to do, I hope that my care package gets sorted soon. It’s been messed up for a whole year and social services are a nightmare to deal with. Plus they treat me like shit because I have the mental capacity to speak up and complain about the way they treat me. And as the psychiatrist pointed out , I’m “not abusing my children” so they don’t care about me. I don’t have children, because I fear I would abuse them, but their (social services) priority is about appearing to protect the vulnerable. Which means safeguarding children and providing care for the elderly and mentally incapacitated such as those with Alzhimers. Fuck the disabled. We don’t fit into their objectives.

But I’m ranting about shitty stuff now and I don’t want to. I want to think about and process all the good stuff from the last couple of days. Other people being kind, helpful and open to my needs. There is a lot of potential for good things to come from this, I am scared to think about that as I’ve been burned too many times this last 2 years when I’ve asked for help. I am scared my hopes will be dashed again but… but, there is hope. And there is real potential for some of that positivity to invade my life and start improving things. I am long overdue for an upward turn. And maybe I can start trusting that I have genuine support from someone with the power to affect lasting change. I do hope so, despite my fears. And I think I am going to go sit uncomfortably with that hope for a while, before I continue with my crazy busy week and the other housework that I told my former carer to stop eying up…!

RAT FAAAAAAACE

Sometimes doing this blog has been a curse, sometimes a challenge… actually often a challenge. And sometimes it brings unexpected goodness. Like old friends getting in touch to offer their support or just reconnect. Which has directly resulted in me right now being sat on a friends sofa having spent the last few hours snuggling with rats!!

Ive not seen my friend in YEARS. Or had rat cuddles since the last of mine died (I think) some 20ish years ago.

Its a shame the camera on my tablet is so rubbish, but I got a few blurry snaps of a couple of them all snuggled up in luxurious TP 😀

This adorable pink and white nose is “a bit bitey” but shes a rescue and still settling in, she also seems quite keen on snuggling up to/annoying the other pictured floof.

And now we are drinking snakebite and black, something else ive not done in a long time. And ive been offered a blanket with a rat in it….! So im off!!

Its just us and rats today, that is all.

The never-ending

Having one of those days where nothing goes right in terms of being functional and its getting to me. My body is demanding rest by refusing to cooperate with my wishes. A couple of days ago i woke up a bit early needing the loo, dragged myself out of bed thinking id grab some tea and go back to bed. I walked into the bathroom, and into a flood. Thankfully not of biblical proportions but bad enough, and thankfully, I happened to have a pile of towels on the floor as they were next to go into laundry. They soaked up a lot of the water but I still had to call the landlord for emergency repairs… on a sunday. And the only container i could fit under the leak was a pint glass so i couldn’t even relax while waiting for the plumber. Who turned up a couple of hours earlier than expected YAY but was also a rude piece of shit BOOO at least it was a quick repair and i could start cleaning up. So much for the rest day i had planned, or for the extra time in bed. By the time everything was cleaned up and the towels washed etc it was too late to nap and needed food. The whole thing took a lot out of me, more than i would expect usually. Though as i was already planning a rest day i guess i was running on fumes for that whole stressful thing.

Yesterday was a drag, only got a tiny bit of stuff done during the day and could barely think clearly. I made it to my gp appointment and fumbled my way through that then dragged myself home again. I have been hoping to make it to the gym but barely being able to do anything had to give up on that. Again. Its so frustrating, and I try not to get annoyed by body and it’s foibles. Its hard though. And I get down when my body struggles. Of course i woke up eventually, late into the evening, typical. And I made a decision…! I bought a new mattress!! Ive been struggling to decide between a holiday or big furniture purchases, part of the reson ive been unable to decide is the lack of sleep and waking up in increased pain. My back was so bad yesterday morning that it took aged to get up. Ive been in need of a new matress for a while, unwilling to start looking because the cost is so much, but…. its January…. sales time! And found that i might still be able to do a holiday, though abreviated, as well as buying a new mattress. So i bought one. If its a good fit for me then I should have much better mornings and less pain, definitely worth it. We’ll see when I have it delivered and get to try it out.

In theory i still have enough left to have a holiday too, not yet properly done the numbers on adapting the trip but a quick scan says its fine. Maybe I’ll be able to actually book it now that ive made a choice. But i need some sleep and rest still. Having my head clear so late meant i went to bed late, and got up late today. Still feeling groggy and sore and lacking energy. The plan was to go visit a friend, who I haven’t seen in a really long time. They got in touch recently and invited me to stay over, get some rest, get away from here and the never ending task of decluttering. But after spending 2 hours staring at the tv i reluctantly came to accept that wasn’t going to happen today. I dont even know what i was watching, my brain is so dead. I had to tell them i wasnt coming to visit and have been stuck here staring at the neverending and feeling crap about not being able to do anything. And sad about not being with my friend right now. Resting would be so much more satisfying and restorative if I had a good environment to live in. I cant rest properly while theres so much to be done, I can’t always be doing stuff without resting. I dont know if it will ever be done, or even at a level whereI dont feel overwhelmed and stressed by it. Id also love to have some fucking spoons, to be able to do the things i want like gym and visiting friends. Plus im still processing my recent break up. They did so much damage with their duplicitous and sneaky behaviour, leaving me feeling like ive been stabbed in the back and left to bleed out. I could really do with the company of a friend right now. Sadness is harder to deal with than pain.

Medical woes

Firstly I feel i should congratulate netflix on their exquisite emotional manipulation. They succeeded in making me well up over a story on prince Philip of all people. That nasty, racist, sexist bigoted turd of a dinosaur. And they made me feel something other than utter contempt and disgust for him. Well done netflix, excellent manipulation. What has that got to do with the rest of my post? Bugger all, just felt like saying it.

Tomorrow i have an appointment with my gp. My actual named gp. Who ive met just once, two years ago. And who was the first in a long line of medical professionals to refuse me a psychiatrist referral. Im not looking forward to this appointment, aside from being horribly upset with them for refusing me the referral saying that she’d prefer me to build a relationship with her there at the surgery. And “oh by the way im going on maternity leave for a year, from next week”. That was my first and last appointment with her 19-20 months ago. But also, the person who called me to make the appointment (side bar: well fuck me, they called me to make an appointment instead of texting me telling me to make an appointment, using a shitty system that means its often impossible to get booked in, especially if you need a specific doctor) anyway… the person calling me said it was for an anti psychosis review…….. Apparently my doctor thinks im psychotic. That explains a few things, like nobody believing or trusting what I say. Them dismissing me and treating me like a nuisance or incompetent. Giving me the “shut up and take your meds” attitude. Because all of those things and more are how people with long term psychosis are treated. My brother had that shit constantly, and that was before the mental health system was torn to pieces. Unfortunately he did become incapable later on due to his inability to face consequences or deal with his issues but thats another story.

I am not psychotic. I have had psychotic episodes, generally brought on by excessive drug use and a couple due to being utterly overwhelmed leading to a breakdown. I know what it is to be psychotic and i know the difference between psychosis and depression. Apparently my doctor doesn’t, they seem to think I’m permanently psychotic and yet have failed to mention or discuss this with me at all. As though they feel I can’t be trusted with my own medical care, and shouldn’t be consulted on what happens to me. It would explain why they’ve been so uncooperative with me.

Its been 19 months since i saw my gp, 19 months of asking and begging for help, 19 months of being dismissed, lied to, given wrong information. Ive been denied help, told im being unreasonable and greedy by people who misunderstood what I asked for (making assumptions instead of discussing or asking me for clarity) given medical advice based on a different patients information (seriously!), advice based on mine but outdated information, told to just take some medication, told not to take my medication, told it’s impossible for medication to stop working, told that it would be pointless to change meds (the aim being to help myself and not be a mess) told to go help myself, told to do what im told, not told whats happening with my medical care, passed over and bounced around between departments all apparently reluctant to help. Except for one, who didnt have the authority to deal with my medical care, just adjacent support services, most of which are unable or unwilling to help.

So its been a lot of bullshit, a lot of struggling just for basic levels of treatment. Just to be treated like a human, with basic rights, someone with the capacity to understand what I need. Ive been so badly treated that ive lost trust in them, that i have long past reached the stage where I do become incapable, because im just so damn overwhelmed by the injustice and inhumanity of it all. And im angry, when im angry i fumble my words, my thoughts get scrambled and it gets in the way of other things. Like sorting out my health care. Going in to an appointment with someone who dismissed me so carelessly and who now apparently is treating me for the wrong diagnosis. Im not looking forward to it.

I tried making a list, or even just a note of what I need and was unable to write anything other than angry points on past treatment. Which is all valid, but not massively productive in terms of what treatment I need NOW. I shouldn’t be anxious about a routine gp appointment, but I am and its fucking rediculous. If the aim is to reduce patient waiting times then its working as im reluctant to book in with them. Meaning my “care” is being managed by me with apathetic input by medical services. Now I have to go see someone who’s working on either incorrect information or wrong assumptions, and both get across my anger and get over it so that I can get what I need. Right now im now feeling hopeful.

Its back. The craving. Ive not been sleeping much, finally got somw last night and attempted to be a functioning person today. It started okay, got some things done but i felt my mood dropping steadily over a couple of hours and i started doubting myself. I made an unplanned stop at a drop in service and got a cheap lunch, knowing i wouldn’t cook any proper food otherwise. I was debating my guilty need to see the day out and fulfil my plan, too down and preoccupied to make a decision. Maybe i should quit and go home, accept that i need more rest. Someone there staryed talking to me, despite me heaving my headphones on. Though they did ssk if I wanted a conversation instead of just launching into one. I indicated no unable to cope with the prospect. And they respected me and moved on. The kindness of that made me cry. Definitely time to go home. Id done what i could and was now so depressed that being in public was becoming a strain.

Heading back I started getting urges to self harm/be destructive. Craving binge food. And crack. The binge food was easily sorted. The crack not so much, it would mean interacting with a bunch of strangers and having to be alert and functional, neither things im capable of right now. Probably for the best.

Its annoying, despite the insomnia and exhaustion id been feeling marginally better. Anxious but managing it okay, vulnerable but trying to assert myself, sleepless but letting it just be a thing rather than a wind up point. And now i crash, hard. I kinda knew it was coming, its the pattern of the insomnia cycle. Once i finally get some sleep then im recovered just enough to get in my head and emotionally reactive, just recovered enough to need less painkillers but be able to feel how badly my body is doing.

Part of todays drop is connected to feeling overwhelmed and rejected by others who are currently either unable or unwilling to attend a planned event tomorrow/communicate whats going on for them where it affects me. I have tickets i want to resell but dont have the spoons to manage. I am going to miss my friend who cant make it and concerned about another who’s not responding. I am experiencing unwanted feelings of rejection and failure, as though everything i do always goes wrong. And why should it be otherwise, I am a failure. Its a wonder anyone ever wants to be around me to begin with. I feel the urge to do something productive, unsatisfied with what i have done today, but dont have the spoons to achieve anything else. I feel like i should go to bed but am stressed that I wont be able to sleep and then get wound up when my arsehole neighbours start making lots of noise, and then get extra angry at myself for not being able to sleep.

I dont know where im going with this, im too tired to figure anything out. I just know that i want to self destruct. And that im jealous of an aquaintance who i learned yesterday died recently. She was not conscious, effectively went in her sleep….maybe I’ll get lucky and die in my sleep. If i can manage to get some sleep again.

Cracking

Today, on a mission to pick up a new tool and outside in the dark, because winter, I spotted a street drug trade. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop noticing them, its the kind of thing that gets under your skin. I might also have been subconsciously looking out for it. I thought…. i have a big chunk on money in my bank account not massive but substantial enough. I acquired a lot of it specifically so i could go on holiday, hopefully a holiday where nobody tries to rape me. But ive not booked that holiday, for a variety of reasons, mostly depression getting in the way of thought and decision making. So that money is sitting there, waiting. I could use that money on a massive blow out. Buy a fuck tonne of crack and heroin and just kill myself with it.

Yeah I’d be leaving a mess for others to clean up, sorry. Yeah a handful of people would care. Yeah id just become another statistic regarding this governments utter shittery and treatment of disabled and mental health issues.

My little trip over the new year was aborted early. I wont go into details now but its left me feeling fucking awful. My confidence is shot, I feel like all my negative self images are confirmed. The whole journey home I was working hard to stop tears, thankfully a quiet trip so i got seats to myself. Coming home to a trigger situation in a fucking shit headspace it took all of a half hour for my stress to go through the roof and Im shouting at everything, no patience, snapping and raging. I wasnt supposed to be here just yet. I wish I could just do everything that needs doing. I wish I could not be here. I wish I had the physical ability to do what I want. I wish a lot of things. Its never going to happen.

Instead of going to A&E yesterday I took a bunch of sedatives and knocked myself out. If i could afford a decent respite I’d jump at it. That money would barely do long enough for me to start to relax, then I get to come home to this shithole having spent all the money and not being any better. So i may as well spend it on a holiday. Or drugs. If im not going to fucking book a holiday then I may as well blow my brains out.

why bother?

After a brief break, things are back to being as bad as they’ve been for years. Right now I am struggling with wanting to cut, already caused myself a few upcoming days of misery by eating some foods I cant tolerate. I want it to stop. I want the end. I care about how others feel, but non of them has to be me and feel what I feel. And right now I dont give a fuck if everyone I have ever known wanted me to keep going. Show me something that proves its going to be worth the pure misery.

I am sick of people saying they will help then ghosting me. I am sick of people not being upfront about how they’re feeling or doing. And I am fucking sick of being sick. I’m sick of asking for the same things over and over. I am sick of people bullshitting me and lying either about what they’ve (not) done or what they’re going to do. I am sick of being treated like a worthless piece of shit by medical, health, care and government run services. I’m sick of being so overwhelmed by everything that I am paralised and left impotent. I’m sick of coming “home” to a nightmare and being trapped here. I’m sick of stalled projects and missions taking up space and reminding me of my constant failures. I’m sick of being a total fucking waste of space. I’m sick of getting in the way or being a burden.

I finally got a one off psychiatrist appointment. Its took 19 months of asking, begging, crying, A&E visits to get it….for just one damn appointment. 19 fucking months of hanging on. And it might have come too late.

I am the most useless, unloveable, pain-in-the-arse cunt ever and I dont know why I’m even still here. I will be alone and miserable for the rest of my stupid fucking life. I should go to hospital right now…… not gonna happen. Maybe I’ll make it through the night. I fucking wish I dont though.