A quick squeeze

I really need hugs. Not a quick squeeze and then back to pretending to be a functioning human. But sustained, curl into a ball and cry for an hour then zone out while being held.

Not gonna happen, no chance of it even if I tried.

Now I need hugs even more to cope with the sadness of not having access to hugs

Meanwhile I continue to Dory my way through life while I crumble inside, despirate for the bad to stop. Knowing that I can’t buy my way into feeling better but spending the money anyway. Adding the the stress.

And of course still not a fucking word from mental health services aside from them saying they’re going to close my complaint. Without resolving it.

Lumpy thoughts

CW: medical, mention of the big C, body disphoria, mention of surgery, extreme thoughts

Nothing for weeks then 2 posts in 1 day… What the hell?!

The doctor called, and asked me to come in. I actually left the house! relieved I’d managed to have a shower. Though in reality would likely not have contacted them otherwise on the off chance they asked me to come in.

Anyway, I found I breast lump. Not especially worried about it, it’s painful, no skin changes, no weight loss etc. So it’s probley an inflamed gland but best to get it checked. Being referred for a scan, I might as well move into the hospital at this rate. I’m wondering if I get to update with another win, left the house – tick. Made food… Hmmmm, I’m in a cafe having a not too healthy breakfast – interrobang? At least I’m Eating.

In reality I’m sad it’s not likely to be cancer, coz then there’d be a good chance to get the thing cut off. How fucked up is it that trans healthcare is so buggered that I dream of developing breast cancer so that I can “skip the line” for top surgery. It’s still going to be years before I even get an assessment at the service. How much longer can I wait? I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ll be updating my address to Ward – non yo business, The Hospital.

Big Wins

I had a shower. Might not seem like much to most, “oooh you had a shower, so what?” but when you’re a Spoonie, chronic depressive, disabled neurodivergant… it gets tricky. Add on to that struggling to manage without regular care because I can’t afford it (thanks cuts and council greed) it gets real hard. I’ve been struggling with depression, barely made it out of the house last week and haven’t left since Friday. Have not shown up for classes, paid events, running my game, non of it. Have not been able to deal with emails, cleaning, cooking or Persian care. I’ve spent a week in pissy, sweat stank pajamas. Not sleeping much, having nightmares and my jaw trying to lock up from the tension. I’ve been trying to push myself to go swimming or have a shower for about 2 weeks. I nearly made it swimming on Friday but the pool was closed for lessons which I discovered when I got there, so that plan collapsed, along with my motivation. So…. having a shower now is a big win. And now I have clean clothes on and even brushed my hair.

Another big win. I finally booked a holiday. I got help and a lot of guidance from a friend. Narrowed it down to a handful of options. A day or two later finally made a decision, at 3am because I was not sleeping. So why not make an expensive purchase. It cost a lot more than I had hoped, but am going full board which will ease self care pressure if my food is sorted. And it’s still cheaper than getting a PA to come with me. Immediately after booking it I had a panic attack and I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, too depressed to apreaciate it now, or be excited. It’s just another thing I have to deal with. But it counts as a win.

I’m hungry, I don’t have the motivation to change that. The joys of not having appropriate, affordable, care. It’s just going to bug me for hours until I finally get something together. Though I HAVE to spend spoons on dealing some emails. Frustratingly my social worker is impatient, despite knowing I’m struggling and having spent literally months not doing the thing. Is now threatening to go ahead and do something without my consultation. What that is i don’t fucking know, because I’ve not been able to check my emails in a week. So I need to deal with that, and try to get my laptop and disk reader to talk to each other, and try to do 1 coding lesson. And allegedly the doctor is going to call today. All of that is going to cost a lot. So it’ll be a small miracle if I sort out any food, but ya never know. Maybe there’ll another win before end of the day.