I had a shower. Might not seem like much to most, “oooh you had a shower, so what?” but when you’re a Spoonie, chronic depressive, disabled neurodivergant… it gets tricky. Add on to that struggling to manage without regular care because I can’t afford it (thanks cuts and council greed) it gets real hard. I’ve been struggling with depression, barely made it out of the house last week and haven’t left since Friday. Have not shown up for classes, paid events, running my game, non of it. Have not been able to deal with emails, cleaning, cooking or Persian care. I’ve spent a week in pissy, sweat stank pajamas. Not sleeping much, having nightmares and my jaw trying to lock up from the tension. I’ve been trying to push myself to go swimming or have a shower for about 2 weeks. I nearly made it swimming on Friday but the pool was closed for lessons which I discovered when I got there, so that plan collapsed, along with my motivation. So…. having a shower now is a big win. And now I have clean clothes on and even brushed my hair.
Another big win. I finally booked a holiday. I got help and a lot of guidance from a friend. Narrowed it down to a handful of options. A day or two later finally made a decision, at 3am because I was not sleeping. So why not make an expensive purchase. It cost a lot more than I had hoped, but am going full board which will ease self care pressure if my food is sorted. And it’s still cheaper than getting a PA to come with me. Immediately after booking it I had a panic attack and I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, too depressed to apreaciate it now, or be excited. It’s just another thing I have to deal with. But it counts as a win.
I’m hungry, I don’t have the motivation to change that. The joys of not having appropriate, affordable, care. It’s just going to bug me for hours until I finally get something together. Though I HAVE to spend spoons on dealing some emails. Frustratingly my social worker is impatient, despite knowing I’m struggling and having spent literally months not doing the thing. Is now threatening to go ahead and do something without my consultation. What that is i don’t fucking know, because I’ve not been able to check my emails in a week. So I need to deal with that, and try to get my laptop and disk reader to talk to each other, and try to do 1 coding lesson. And allegedly the doctor is going to call today. All of that is going to cost a lot. So it’ll be a small miracle if I sort out any food, but ya never know. Maybe there’ll another win before end of the day.