Challenge accepted

CW mild peril, anxiety

Today is brought to you by waking up with unspecified paranoia and anxiety. I hate it here, not the island, I dislike this hotel the food is gross and I’ve been sick for days. The only thing that doesn’t turn my stomach is breakfast. I’ve not made it to a restaurant because I’ve been too tired in the evenings so not eaten much. Thankfully if I feel hungry I can just think about eating from the buffet here and the wave of nausea will deal with that. Am hoping to make it out tonight for a, fingers crossed, nice meal. The staff do not care that I’ve been sick and even tried to imply that it’s somehow my fault, whilst claiming that of course they care and “I’m not saying your lying, but…” Hmmmmm riiiiight.
Went on a tourist trip yesterday so that I could get up the volcano. It was a horrendous tourist trap and I felt gross, and then when we got to the volcano park they told us we’d not be allowed out of the coach when up the volcano proper. I get it, you don’t want 100s or 1000s of tourists bumbling around blocking up a narrow road on a sheer slope, or going wandering off and getting hurt. It’s safer and quicker to keep everyone in the bus and just stop at a few select places. It was deeply disappointing though. You’re not allowed up the volcano road in a private vehicle, only the horrendous crouded viewing area that has the restaurant, shop, demonstrations etc. So it looks like I’m just going to have to try again to walk up a volcano…! To be clear, I have walked around the remnants of exploded volcano caldera, yesterday included. I want to go up an intact one, and near an active one too. I guess technically I have now been up the volcano, I just couldn’t touch it. Or get decent photos.
We came down to a mass of very sad looking camels, I sat and drew one of them that was watching me while others went for a ride. And when I saw another one, loaded with it’s 2 passengers, being repeatedly pulled by the handler to get up and it clearly not wanting to I shed a tear or two. The poor thing stood suddenly when another handler came towards them, it’s difficult to shed the suspicion that the second person is cruel to the animals hence the rapid obedience. I hope though that they just have a better bond. Either way, I couldnt watch any more.
The day was long, involved a lot of walking in blazing sun. Note, I didn’t see anyone else topping up suncream, doesn’t mean they weren’t I just didn’t see it. And I had a vile person sitting being me who was draining my battery. Doing all of it on just an apple and 4 pieces of melon too, I was exhausted. Did not go to the sea after because too tired. Went to chill in the jacuzzi instead. And got pissed off with myself for being goaded into making a wrong decision even though I knew it was wrong. Fuck you mother for teaching me that everything I think is wrong and teaching me to change what I say in the hopes that maybe this time I won’t get shouted at, humiliated or told I’m stupid. I was so angry at myself. And felt like a 5 year old again being laughed at for saying the wrong thing. After showering the day off and collapsing I finally had an appetite, I’d seen some food while out that didn’t turn my stomach but it was poison so I didn’t get any. But absolutely didn’t have the spoons to go out or figure out if I could get something delivered. So I just watched critical role and a bunch of other short stuff until I eventually passed out.

Until this morning, when I was rudely awoken by noise from above! And a horrible sense of dread. Luckily I had set today aside for r and r. So after a tentative breakfast, I did the first thing I could think of to comfort me. I made a list of things to do today that will help my brain! Then went for a swim. And yeah I needed that, spent such a long time in the water. I’ve progressed lots from my 1st day anxiety to happy flailing around in the waves on a yellow flag day. The water has been a little rougher each day and I’ve noticed the difference in how much more I need to move against it. But from having a AAAAAGH at the sensation of the waves lifting me while I had my face down, to now closing my eyes and just experiencing the movement. Not bad.

There is something I’ve noticed about myself, I don’t know if it’s a common thing but when I wake up overwhelmed by non localised anxiety I have a tenancy to push myself to do something I normally would not. It doesn’t always happen but it’s common enough that I’ve noticed it as a trait. And it makes sense, I can’t do anything about the feeling I woke up with because I can’t place where it’s coming from. But if I do this other challenging thing, that will bring up anxiety of its own and I can tackle that safely without breaking down and remain calm. Then I can regulate that system, using the self regulation from the tangible anxiety to settle the unspecified stuff. So it took me a minute to figure out when when I got to the beach why I had a stong urge to go in without swim shoes. Why the hell was I desperate to do a thing that makes me DEEPLY uncomfortable at at time when I’m already deeply unsettled and unhappy, then it clicked. So I took them off. It was not easy, I stood in the shallows for a while not liking that I couldn’t see the floor because so much sand was being dragged around in the waves. I remembered that I used to like the feeling of sand under my feet, until the other stuff started. But then I touched a rock, tried going a different way, but couldn’t see so stopped again. Eventually got out headed back up to get my shoes, stopped when I was almost to them. I couldn’t not do this, I had to do this, I could do this. I just had to get in further up the beach where there’s less likely to be rocks, and then just swim back across to them. And I did! And I spent such a long time in the water. The visibility was crap due to the increased water movement but not so bad I couldn’t see anything just had to go a bit deeper. I could feel my body resetting itself, and after a while I had to stop myself from happy flailing while laying on my back in case someone thought I was drowning! But I did do a lot of flailing, burning up those anxiety hormones and releasing a lot of pent up argh. And also danced and flopped around like no-one was watching, apparently the fish did not approve of my beautiful water dancing as I cleared the dance floor. I did lots of bursts of fast swimming against the current, enjoying the sensation and with the current too, closing my eyes and flying forward. Had to keep reminding myself not to exhaust myself, it’s not the safest place to run out of energy. And I did not want to get out but I was getting tired so reluctantly I exited. Had not realised how tired I was until I really struggled to swim against the backwash, had to wait for each forward wave and use the momentum to get toward the beach then just use what I had to keep position against the pull backwards. I laughed at the thought that this will be the point where I drown, so close to the edge. Then had to cough out the water I’d inhaled! Obviously I made it out, because I stayed calm and didn’t panic. I can see how someone might panic in that situation and I now have a data point regarding how much energy I can expend in a yellow flag sea and still be able to get out. Also, I did it all barefoot and fuck does my brain feel good about that.
My discomfort and dislike of this meh hotel are not gone but at least it’s not crushing me and making me want to run home crying. Because, fuck did I spend a lot of money, time, and spoons to get here. I am not going to let shitty hotel ruin it.

Riding waves

Well I made it on holiday!! Fantastic

Have been here a couple of days, and finally got some sleep last night. I’ve missed out on a stargazing party because I was too tired to hire a car and get there, barely sleeping for a week does not a safe driver make. And now the waxing moon is going to make viewing things difficult. I may still hire a care to get up the mountain but it’s already past best viewing time and I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. I’m fairly sure it would be just for the view, watching the sun set from the highest point on the island, that’s gotta be worth something! Of course I have huge anxiety around driving in places I’m not familiar with, and in the dark too. And now add to that being on the other side of the road than I’m used to, tiredness could maim me, or worse, kill others. So I definitely need more sleep before I do that!

I have booked a couple of excursions that just happen to take me close to Doctor Who filming locations (absolutely not accidental!) where I can take the Dalek and do some photos for it’s instagram. I may well venture out by bus to other sites that look good. And I’d like to swim all over the place.

On a dark note, prevalent in my mind is what happened the last time I took a sun and sea holiday. My life was turned upside down by that and 6 years later I’m still massively fucked up. I have to remember to breathe whenever that fear threatened to take over.

I’ve been down to the sea every morning. It’s been a little rougher each day and today I went in close to the rocks, where the waves are bigger. Not because I was trying to surf, I’ve never done that and they were not surf worthy waves. But because the rocks will be where there’s more fish and I was snorkeling, so I wanted to be where the fish are. The whole thing felt like a mataphore. A little bit of backtracking, after the 2nd bout of covid, or covid2.0, which returned to me the gift of asthma. Which is triggered by cold, so cold water swimming has been super challenging when it comes to breathing and I’ve lost the ability to do front crawl without panicking. It’s something I’m working on. But it’s also turned out that it’s affected snorkeling too and it has been a thing of relearning how to do it and not allowing the panic to take over. Actually doing pretty well, even when getting massive amounts of water up my nose and throat. Particularly when that happened. I went and bought a nose plug so I could use both arms to swim! So, I’ve been teaching my brain to be calm and that it’s okay to have my face down in the water. This last year has been wild in that respect, growing up a water baby and LOVING being under the water. I want that back, I’m a fucking selkie ffs, can’t be afraid of the water. Also, I’m a confident enough swimmer to know that I’ll probably be okay should I get caught in a current, as long as I stay calm. I’ve never had to deal with that and I totally understand the fear that could take over in a situation like that, the best thing is to stay calm and not waste energy fighting it. Being in the stronger waves, i was getting moved around a lot, when swimming with a wave the distance I could go was incredible with not much effort. And rembering to not fight it when I got dragged backwards, or sideways. And noticing that I was only maintaining equalibrium when just using my legs allowing me to stay in place against the movement of the water. Until the next big one in the other direction. I already know that my arms have overtaken my legs when it comes to swimming strength, except for frog legs but it was so obvious within the waves. The hardest thing though, was initially the chemical waves of anxiety pulsing through me with every big water wave, every time I got pushed or pulled around. My breathing tightening up. The panic at the lack of control. So again, teaching my brain that it’s okay. I’m as safe as I can be, that is to say it’s not a non dangerous situation. I’m in the sea, drowning as always a possibility. But it was the utter physical loss of control, or rather the perception of such. I wasn’t out of control, it just felt like it. And I know that I need to remain calm and just go with it to not only be safer but also just fucking enjoy it. That to be able to make the most of the thing I want to do, I need to relax and go with the flow. To know when to get out, to keep aware of potential dangers but not make that my entire existence. Just like life. I was floating there, learning to move with the water and take advantage of the boost it gave me while just allowing it to move me somewhere else other times, wanting to be able to do that with my life. Wanting to know how to relax and not fight all the time. How to just go with things and learn to recognise when life is offering me a boost to get somewhere I want to be. To just not be in panic mode ALL THE TIME. there has to be a way to do that. To unlearn the things that have put my brain into overdrive, causing hyper vigilance and an inability to not jump at every noise. To find a way to switch off, to say what I mean without fear, to not get overwhelmed by the simplest things. I expect I’ll get way more confident /relaxed in the water with repeated practice, and I can only do that because I have been more confident. I remember what that feels like. In fact being in the water is the only place I’ve ever felt really comfortable. I’ve never felt in control of my life though, and my flailing around isn’t getting me very far.

Can’t get over the feeling I should have saved money and not had a holiday. So many things could have been paid for/contributed to instead of this. And my brain is screaming at me for wasting money. Because it (I) do not prioritise my mental health or value truly having a break. If I’m going to drag around all this stress why not just carry on doing it at home?

In a slight aside, I have a meeting today with someone to discuss setting up a croudfunder for me to access gender affirming care privately. And the guilt around that is HUGE. loud in my mind are parents saying we’re not charity cases (whilst they also both were workshy lost people with less than zero money sense who were both super entitled and expected everything to be free. My financial education was wild!) that I should never ask for help. And showing through their actions that I had no value and did not deserve “hand outs” or a step up or support of any kind. It’s related in that the anxiety around both finances and my self worth are the same as those around this holiday. And the same damn anxiety that I carry around everything. I’d love to just NOT BE STRESSED.

This is the current battle. Can I force myself to relax and fucking enjoy my time here? And not do what always happens and just make a show of it without experiencing it. Is this stuff just wasted on me?

Got a house?

Is it sitting empty? Need someone to look after it for a few weeks or months?

Yep, I’m still trying to get out of my place to give me the space needed to rest, process, unwind, self care and be able to go back to mine regularly and work through the sorting. A couple of days away is nice and everything but it does little beyond slowing down the arrival of a breakdown or psychotic break. I’ve been here for near 10 days and I feel as exhausted and spoon-less as ever. I’d need a couple of weeks just to start being able to relax and thus be able to begin refreshing batteries and maybe even reduce stress levels. I’m no less anxious than yesterday, though I survived a restaurant trip that was over stimulating. And I’m no less tired than when I left home, though I have for the first time since June found time and focus to do crochet. As always I don’t want to go back, the never ending is, well, never ending and I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Not really. I don’t know why Im doing any of it.

Made another decision last night and have cancelled my private psych appointment. I’m not going to pay to be disrespected. There’s been no response from that extended family member, and no word from father. Still jumpy about checking emails and stl super stressed about all the admin stuff I wanted to do this week. But I’ve been crocheting instead, too brain fogged to think about emails and complaints and chasing money or help. I’m so tired I can’t relax or nap. So fucking tired. And heading back to the shit hole where I can always relax and recuperate. Pah.

Horay for postal services

Recently a bunch of us on discord made a penpals club and have started writing to each other the old fashioned way. I had for some time been thinking of getting some custom postcards printed for when I went on holiday, and for just randomly writing to people. When discussing sending each other postcards that spurred me on to get my ones printed, and to reach out to a bunch of other people and ask if they’d like to recieve a postcard (in other words could I please have their address!) I love getting postcards and am one of thoese people that still likes to send actual physical post to people, even if it is taxing/painful to write. Its worth it.

In the last couple of weeks I have written and sent 21 postcards! and still have a couple more i want to write. And I have so far recieved 3 🙂 More accurately, 2 cards and a letter. And they have all made me FEEEEEEL. In an uncomfortable but welcome way. People are being so lovely and kind and its making me both wishing I could give then all hugs and that they’re in a way here with me. I’ve recived 2 from the penpal club, people who I’ve not known long and who have only really been friends for a couple of months. But they are friends and they’re delightful, caring, annoyingly positive* and really very nice people. And they made me cry….. because they’re meanies!!* 😉

I just picked up my post today and theres the 3rd card. From one of my friends across the pond. One of the one’s I befriended via that MMO game I got into when fresh into recovery** and who over the years has become a dear friend. We’ve even met, in the flesh!!! I was looking forward to seeing her again soon-ish, though for obvious reasons thats going to be on hold indefintely. Even though I have not managed to email her for 2 years because brain/life stuff. I have thought about her often and still take photos of things to share with her even though I never get around to writing that email. But I care deeply about her and her health and happiness, and I look forward to having the spoons and mental capacity back to return to emailing photos of foxes and flowers! Well she said she’d like to write to me too so I gave her my address and it arrived today. And my heart is melting…I appear to have something in my eye.

My found family is the family I need.

*I’m being sarcastic!

**I am currently suffering my first hangover in i think 12 years……Not good, obviously and things are clearly going wrong, I need to do something about it as I clearly cant be trusted at the moment. But as I so often say, thats a tale for another post.

Just keep….?

So far today I have had at least 3 freakouts, cried endlessly, and stood in front of a tractor hoping it would run me over…. doing well. Until yesterday I was listless, a mixture of sickness and depression. Then the reality of going home started to set in and I started getting very VERY anxious. This morning, trying to pack, unpacking, repacking, getting very angry at myself for managing to gather so much stuff here to the point where theres too much for my suitcase, and I was actively trying to not do that. Obviously I failed, and its emblematic of my entire life. I think Im doing something okay and then BOOM actually I failed because I wasnt paying proper attention. No wonder the never-ending declutter is never-fucking-ending. I am so angry at myself. And everything else. I am about to go home, to hell. I am recommended to self isolate, which also means that most of my friends are doing the same and thus wont be available for company. ALL of my support and social things have been either cancelled or moved to phone/online. Which is no fucking good for getting me out of the house, for exercising, for socialising and not isolating myself. No good for helping me to declutter, no good for help with anything physical SUCH AS FILLING IN THE FUCKING BENEFITS FORM, no good for me getting out and doing something. I cant use a sewing machine via the phone or internet, I cant get help with forms via the phone as I get flustered and cant understand/read the things plus I cant physically write that much and theres no way I can write AND have a phone conversation about intensely personal stuff thats going to trigger all sorts of feels etc. I’ve not even left here yet and I’m already feeling that awful trapped sensation of being in that flat, the last time I was there I was terribly ill and literally stuck there staring at walls I dont want to see unable to do anything about anything, its not helping me feel confident about going back.

I know the corona virus situation is a thing, and its making a mess of society and this country. It affecting everyone, in a variety of ways and its horrid for everyone. I can only really talk about it from my point of view of course, I can empathise and even sympathise with others, I’d be able to do more if I wasnt one of the vulnerable ones who rely of support and medical services. I am consumed with worry and try as I might to find a kernel of something to hold onto as a guiding light, its just not happening. I have made an agreement with a friend back home that if I struggle “I have agreed to listen to them if they say I may need to go into hospital” and to not do my usual of wirming out of it. There is no other option, without help I cannot try to get into an out of borough respite, and I cant keep running away. And now, I cannot go and visit people unless they specifically say their okay with breaking isolation AND theyre definitely not at risk either for themselves or of infecting me. And of course, the more I travel around the more at risk I am of picking somthing up. And having just been horribly sick I dont want to be ill again, I mean I never want to be sick, it pisses me off mightily. I would like to get back to my admittedly fragile balance, but thats not going to happen for a while with both the benefits shit and corona. I’ve done a lot today, looking after the animals in part because I needed to DO something but mainly because I’m going to miss them. I am very sad. I’ve become accustomed to the cat making holes in my legs while she cuddles up on me, and this morning, when I went for a walk, the chickens followed me all the way to the gate asking for food, even that I’m going to miss. They’re so stupid, but very pretty, except when they run, then they’re very silly looking. I love those tiny dinosaurs, even repaired their hutch this morning…. anything to avoid dealing with the packing. And the real horrifying dread of tomorrow.

My friend here, who has been back a couple of days, has lent me a bigger suitcase. So I can get home without having 15 carrier bags annoying me. I need to decide if I take my suitcase back too or leave it here, and I’m still very angry at myself for bringing so much stuff up and not taking enough of it back when I did my trips, and not even realising that I really did have too much to take back. But my friend has been wonderful and gave me a massive hug earlier just after I found out that another appointment had been cancelled. On a hunch I called to check if my meeting with the benefits advisor was still going ahead, its via a mental health charity (Mind) that have a history of cancelling appointments and not bothering to tell me. I go all the way there to be told that there is no appointment, and “oh yeah they had to cancel it did they not tell you?” well obviously not, that why I’m standing in front of you, you fucking moron. Its usually not the fault of the receptionist so I dont include the moron bit, however it is a symptom of an organisation that constantly behaves with a someone else will deal with it attitude. So, like I said, on a hunch I called. And its been cancelled and moved to telephone advice. Which doesnt work for me. So I’m panicing becuase I dont know how I’m going to get my benefit form done in time. Thankfully the person I was speaking to/crying at was very sympathetic and actively trying to work out a solution, they spoke to their supervisor. The supervisor has very kindly offered to hold the appointment with me, the benefits advisor will be on speakerphone and the other with me actually writing stuff down for me, its going to be mildly chaotic and very odd but I am very relieved that its going to get done. As long as I do not start exibiting any symptons. I am so worried that my hayfever will pop up and prevent me from being allowed into the building. They kept asking if I have any underlying medical issues…….. Ummmmmm if I didnt I would not be on benefits so thats a very complicated and open question. I also wonder when they were going to actually tell me that the appointment had been moved to phone, probably never considering their history.

I’ve not eaten properly today, just sweets and a hot chocolate with coffee when i went out. I really need to eat, just too wound up. I guess it’ll help me get through isolation and the lack of food deliveries, not having an appetite. The knot in my gut has become a familiar part of me. A new friend. I am worried that my gym is going to shut down, I need to go and let off some steam. My boxing and yoga and all other classes are cancelled. I can at least take my gloves to the gym and punch the shit out of their bag or go pump some iron. Assuming they dont close down. There some stuff I can do at home or in the park, its not quite the same, plus I dont have a shower at mine….. My friend here has said I can stay/come back which I might do if everthing back home closes. That was I have 24hr cat access and potential access to proper countryside, though their mental health care is worse than at home. I know from experience, they’re not good here. Though they do at least have a psyciatric unit, but if I’m going to submit myself to that I may aswell do so at home, it’ll be a lot easier for people to come visit me…..it they can/will. I’m all over the place today, my back is already agony but I cant sit still. I think I need to force myself to do so, then force myself to cook, and eat. I’m feeling very fuzzy headed, when I’m not consumed with rage or fear. I keep moving to reach out to friends but cant press send because I’m super stressed and emotional and volatile and everyone is super stressed and dealing with their own problems. I’m not in a place where I can deal with criticism or rejection very well and am so wrapped up in my own issues that its hard to see past that and not take things personally. I’ve done enough shouting at strangers this week and losing my shit at friends who are trying to help. I am on the verge of needing to be detained for my own safety and I can see it, and I dont like it. I do think I’d rather do so voluntarily, if needed. Once big concern I have about doing that is having very limited access to online servers where I have support from lovely strangers who have been a blessing and great for my sanity. If i ‘go in’ I would pretty much lose access to that due the the chaotic way wards are run. This is another thing that I can use to convince myself that I need to stay out, theres already a long list that I can roll out to convince ‘them’ to not admit me. Things that are genuine concerns, like chaos making my Tourette’s worse, which would then require heavy medication to get under control and I dont nescesarily want that. Though maybe a ‘holiday’ from my own brain would be good for me, maybe being a dribbling mindless idiot would give me the break I need. And now I’m just making myself more anxious going over what could be instead of looking after myself and going to cuddle the cat before I cant do that anymore.

Everything is fucked. Selfcare doubly so.

I’m sorry this is such a rambling bit of self serving bullshit.

Lonely child

The last few days have been getting steadily more painful in every way. I’m full of frustration and connected anxiety, painkiller use is up and movement down. When I’m not forcing myself to do the most basic of self and animal care I’m often forcing myself to do something that feels productive. Which with a melting brain leaves me with cleaning, gardening and cooking, which I’ve done a lot of recently and bugger all admin type stuff, because the brain weasles have proper fucked things up in there.

I don’t know if my mood is a result of poor sleep and that’s what’s making everything so difficult. Or if it’s difficult things making sleep a distant memory. Or both. Probably both, feeding off each other. I’ve been being “good” and reaching out to talk to people, I think it’s helping. Spending so much time in a bittersweet place without friends around is fucking hard. I’m staying in the room where I had my lapse and ruined my nearly 10years without crack, it’s uncomfortable. Though I’ve almost come to terms with that. I’ve not achieved even a fraction of what I had hoped to while here. My energy levels have been so reduced and it’s taking up an extraordinary amount of time and spoons to keep this place ticking over. I’m angry I’ve not managed anything that I wanted to do while I had the space and time to do them, before I go back home to the hell hole and drown in the mess there, meaning I won’t be able to do any of that stuff and I’m going to be just as behind with everything as I was when I left. It’s upsetting and making me feel inadequate and useless. I’ve been increasingly tearful and inactive. Being sat doing nothing, except gently crying. Sinking into memories of family and exes, resenting my illness and the incidents that created it. Wishing I was dead. If I have enough brainpower I’ll remember to sit with the cat so she cat sleep on me and feel attended to. If I have a bit more brainpower I’ll get my crochet out and distract myself from the thoughts by trying to focus on that. If by some miracle I have brought brains to read I will read a paragraph or two, or as much as possible before it all becomes word soup, managed that 3 days in a row which is the best I’ve done reading wise in a very long time, it does help that the book is structured in short paragraphs. But I expect the content of the book is exacerbating (thank fuck for autocomplete on that word) my symptoms as it’s all about trauma. And no, I’m not going to stop reading it because of that. It’d be like saying I’m not going to do therapy because it hurts.

I am 99.9% sure that my imminent return home for good is aggravating me. I have another whirlwind trip back this week for appointments and such, and I hope to get some work done on the sorting…. while the landlord rips up my bathroom to fix a leak and there’s zero word on when and how they’ll put it back together again (not stressful at all) and I know that soon, too soon, I’m going to have to do a lot of Tetris while the windows get changed. They WILL destroy my garden which is already stressing me out and I’m going to have to make lots of room in rooms that have fuck all free space and then I’m going to have to pretend I don’t care about the gossip and comments about how much stuff I have. It’s going to be really hard to keep sorting through things while that’s going on…. No I’m not stressed at all ….Yesterday I woke up in a foul mood, made worse by my new dentist having gone into the system and changed my title from Mx to something else, probably because they thought it was more appropriate. I was ANGRY, I still am. And when I see them for my appointment I am going to get to the bottom of it and give them one hell of a talking for making changes to my personal information without consulting me. It could well end up that this new dentist is already my old dentist….. depends on how the **** responds. I’m fairly sure I know what happened and who it was that did it based on something that happened on my previous visit. After I found out about it, I was still super angry and went onto a forum to have a rant about it, in a supposedly safe space, once designed for people to go let off some steam and of course the first person to comment was a wanker making excuses for what had happened instead of just letting me have a rant and feel better for it, they took it upon themselves to defend a complete stranger who has been fucking with my details and insulted me. Instead of getting to have a rant and feel better for it I got more wound up and am now fucking anxious and pissed off that one of the few places on the internet not completely over run with douchbags is tainted with the twattery of that knob. Why did someone have to come in and “well actually” me with something they knew very little about? Because they’re a self important wanker with nothing better to do probably. They obviously dont give a shit about the effect they would have on me at a time where I was very obviously already clearly distressed. Not only has it boosted the negative things my brain had already been saying to me, where it’s telling me people are saying horrid things about me, but like I said its also tainted somewhere that I had felt okayish. Reducing my avenues of support because I’m not fucking going back there for a while and making the head demons stronger because clearly I’m not worth shit, if I was then strangers wouldnt feel the need to dump on me for no reason. Especially with regards to someone else having been disrespectful and messing around with my personal details.

I had such a strong physical reaction that I was having massive palpitations and my chest and gut kept sporadically doing a very unpleasant dance. All day. Talking to a friend helped, an actual friend, and actually getting to rant about it, that was all I’d needed really to ease off the rage and be able to clear my head somewhat. Afterall theres so much going on in there that my mind is never clear enough to process much, certainly not these days. I feel like a constant failure and dont know why I’m taking up space, at the same time I’m getting mad at my crappy gp who keeps trying to push antidepressants onto me without acknowledging my wishes. What is wrong with me wanting to try and work out how to live without being heavily medicated? Even if that drive is contrary to my desire to drop dead. The doc doesnt care about that, they only care about covering their backs and being able to claim that they did everyting they could, whether or not thats true. They dont actually care about how I feel, they only care about ticking boxes. Changing doctor is high on my list of things to do, and I had hoped to be much further along in the process than I am. Yet another thing I’ve failed to do, and more stress building up. I had really hoped that my time here would be more relaxing and that I would get caught up with some sleep and a lot of admin and art. None of that has happened, my body hurts more each morning, especially the last couple of days where I’ve been unwell with either a virus or fibromyalgia AND injured my neck and shoulder in my sleep. It still hurts now. and I’m not going to get my massage this month so its going to need plenty of time in hot water, such as a jacuzzi, if only I could get past depression and go do that. I’d meant to treat myself to that today but after spending hours sitting on the bed not getting dressed, by the time I did finally get going I was rushing non stop for about 9hrs trying to make sure everything is ready for tomorrow. And hopfully meaning I dont have to rush anything in the morning, I’ll likely wake up super early anyway and will end up with an awkward bit of free time between getting ready and catching my train. But i’d rather that than be rushing around worrying about being late. One of the things I did today was post some stuff to my sister, some drawings she did for me when we were kids and she was very young, stuff that i had promised her a long time ago and kept forgetting. My last trip home I remembered it finally and told her id brought it up, got no response. Not surprising but still upsetting. I hate that I keep fixating on this shit, it hurts, I’d like it to not hurt. Someone I was speaking to yesterday jokingly asked why dont i abandon them and become and only child. The stupid thing is my angry hurt brain had already considered it, lashing out and further isolating myself from my family, cutting off the only one left who until now I would have done anything for unquestioningly. Who until recently was incapable of doing anything to hurt me and who I was very protective of. Of course my protectiveness eased off over the last few years, and I had to deal with a sense of loss of purpose and, failure. Now its feelings of rejection and confusion and my fixation is clearly unhealthy and causing me more stress. So I’m giving up, not in a petulent hissy fit burning bridges and causing hurt. Hopefully in a more productive way that allows me to grieve and process. So posting those drawings to her became a symbollic closure. Thats going to be my last contact for some time, if she gets in touch I will likely respond but I wont reach out until I feel okay to do so, and hopefully okay with potential rejection feelings. I need to take the space to reassess and redefine what that relationship means to me. Its not like she needs me in her life at all and she will get in touch someday when she does need something, I’ll be there, probably. I’ll try to keep on top of the kids birthdays, my own health permitting, and make guesses about what gifts to buy. Not that thats important, if I remember cards thats the more important thing to me. It feels like a big thing to be pulling away from the one sibling I have contact with. Ones dead and the others I have next to no contact with, so Im effectively becoming an only child (at least for a while) or as an ex friend used to say, a lonely child. Which I actually was, very lonely. I had no friends in primary school and it took a long time to make any in secondary. And now I’m off again, drifting into memories, feeling simultainiously empty and full of emotions. But its time to wrap things up, stretch out some of these aches and try to calm my mind enough to sleep for long enough that my journey doesnt completely wreck me. So I should stop avoiding and go do. Please send positivity my way, and more easter eggs, its going to be an especially difficult week.

Owwwww

Wow was I angry yesterday. And tired and fragile etc. It was a long painful day, I went to my massage which was needed as always. Though because I was needing to feel pain I didn’t make her ease off most of the time and am very sore in some places because of that. At the same time, so much else is looser and less painful so overall it was good pain. I had booked a taxi to get home from there as after a long day of travel with bags i didn’t want to go from massage back out onto a rush hour bus. The taxicard service is so bad now that once again they cancelled my booked cab and couldn’t tell me how long it was going to be for another to accept the job. This was a BOOKED car that cancelled last minute, something that has happened so many times in the last year that I’ve lost count. In frustration and with the bitter memory of several occasions previously where this exact thing has happened and I’ve been left alone in the cold and rain waiting for a new cab for OVER THREE HOURS before I give up and cancel it. I burst into tears saying I couldn’t wait, I couldn’t do another 3 hours in the cold when I still had a lot of stuff to do. I cancelled it myself and got onto a Very packed bus. And I declined quickly. As I got closer to home I was nearing a full on paranoid crisis. Here’s where my practice kicked in and I put a call out for people to talk to, anyone for any amount of time about anything. I had to get out of my head because fuck it was dark and scary in there. And between the bus and mine I tried calling 2 people, both didn’t answer. Normally that would make me sink further but I’d already put out that call so I focused on walking and my music and got home. My heart pounding by the time I got to my door.

I immediately started cleaning feeling a NEED to throw things out and clean up as much as I could. So I ‘somewhat manically’ started bouncing around the flat from thing to thing, every light was on so I could go from room to room as things took me. Pushing aside the pain and exhaustion. I needed to do this. During my tidy frenzy I got a message from someone and I immediately called them. Talking to them about all sorts while I moved around the house cleaning up. We’d not spoken in a while so it was good to catch up and I needed to get out of the darkness. Hmmmm I’ve just realised the connection with having all the lights on…!

They spoke with me as long as they could then I spent a long time vacuuming which was highly satisfying. With clean carpets, well the bits of carpet that are exposed, I felt more relaxed and started thinking about food. And took some time to check my post asking for help. 3 more people offering to talk. Yayy for friends. Started messaging them back and one called me straight away, another person I’d not spoken to in a long time. So great to catch up with them too and I chatted until my dinner was cooked and I was going to need my mouth to eat! And it gave me a chance to check my tablet, which had a message from another person that had been sent hours earlier. Another person I’ve not spoken to in ages and who I’ve just caught up with. People have been great responding to my plea, one thing that has stood out to me in my recent crisis’ is the number of friends from the way back machine who I’ve not seen or spoken to in a while who are reaching out to me is comparatively really high and it’s been nice. As I ate, still standing, the fatigue started to set in and I just couldn’t push any further.

I have to say that despite being home and in a bad trigger situation it was really nice to be in my own bed, it was a relatively short sleep as I got up early to finish cleaning and go to the gym but I’m looking forward to having more sleep in it next week, even if the mattress is past it’s best, it’s still my bed and my mattress at the right firmness and my bedding that I’m not worried about getting hair dye on and all set up to be warm and heavy. A home crafted weighted blanket before those became a thing!
Much needed, along side the electric blanket, to relax my body and help me get to sleep. It generally doesn’t set off the allodenia, thank fuck and reduces the potential pain levels for the next day.

It doesn’t however magically restore my spoons, when I got up this morning my legs were so weak. Still went to the gym though!

Am back on a train heading back home* feeling sore and hoping my spoons last long enough to get me back and get to the shop to buy food. The gym was difficult, not because of the workout though that was hard too, had to take it easy. But I struggled with my reflection. The body is wrong. Sculpting with workouts will eventually help but that can only do so much. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy and comfortable in it. I learned to tolerate it and to not hate it, though that pops up occasionally still. I think surgery is going to be needed, if only it was all sortable. There’s stuff that’s just not “fixable” and has been a trauma point since puberty. I think I can learn to deal, after all I learnt to stop viciously hating it. But it’ll be many years before theres any resolution with body stuff.

*my temporary home obvs.

P.S I made it back okay, via the shop so I have some food too! Everything is still very flooded of course the photo (taken on a fast train with dirty windows) is crop fields not dedicated ponds or a water processing plant…! Oh and there were more responses to my help request, Yayy. Now settling down with brainkillers and plans for a rest day tomorrow, hoping for less stress and some ability to make a damn decision……!!

Planes, Trains and… big pointy rocks

I am deep in a multi week long anxiety thing of fluctuating but near constant anxiety. Certain things make it flare up more and I try to do something about it when I notice a specific thing making me SUPER stressy and anxious, trying to ease my feelings. One thing that’s been bringing on unreasonable amounts of anxiety is booking a trip to Canada. Ive been trying to figure it out and each time i come up with something, and a resolution or at least some understanding but the bad feelings remain. Every time I go to book flights the panic restarts and I dont understand it. So im trying to understand. I might not even post this….we’ll see. I am going to try going through each thing thats come up to cause stress and maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure out the problem and be able to press that BUY button….!

Money

I bought that mattress which significantly reduced my budget. So I cut out a section of the trip and reduced the available spend on the other sections. Which leaves me with a super tight budget, and no real emergency funds. I dont like not having that safety net. I know i could borrow from a friend in a pinch but I feel uncomfortable with that, it doesn’t feel right. And it feels irisponsible to A)not have accessible emergency funds B)to rely on others for help. Some of that comes from her making me believe that I was always being unreasonable every time I wanted or needed something, that I was ungrateful for everything yadda yadda and the residual internalised guilt making me feel guilty stressed about potentially going abroad and running out of money. But…. people do it all the time and they manage. Also, I shouldn’t feel bad about having the option to ask for help in an emergency. I dont exactly have the bank of mum & dad to turn to (rely on) but there are people who would help if I needed it. Then later I can deal with the guilt of doing that! And its a big stress not feeling sure that i can cover finances if something unexpected comes up. Ive planned it down to the last penny and stripped back paid-for attractions, hoping that I will magically find some extra spending money for expensive stuff that Id love to do, such as scuba diving, but dont *need* to do. I am absolutely still going to book 2 nights at the planetarium/observatory because that was why I picked the place I did. But I am not going to be able to lots of the other tourist things because they cost money. However, I am happy to spend a lot of time walking and looking. My new knee brace is great, will need to get another one (more expense to nibble at my budget) for the other knee so I can walk walk walk!

Privacy

Which is another potential issue. Ive tried to give myself plently of recovery time to replenish spoons and allow my joints to rest. What if I have a bad flare up when in the hostel and cant get out and am stuck in a busy potentially noisy communal room with no privacy and trying not to get snappy at people because Im in pain. I dont like not having a space to myself. I will have my headphones and stuff to read/do and i chose a hostel that has built in curtains on their bunks, which will save me having to tie scarves up for privacy. Which i wouldn’t be able to do if i got a top bunk in the other place. So i will have ways of being ‘alone’ even if i cant get out, but I dont like the idea of spending so long in a hostel. Its not my style! I like comfort and privacy, i can do short times without that but im privileged to have those options available to me and I like it, I wasnt designed for big communal living on an extended basis. People find that weird or rude, it’s just me though. Anyway, spending over a week in a hostel is going to be a challenge and im anxious about it getting to be too much for me. Plus, as much as I might talk about medical and mobility issues I dont necessarily want to share them with a room full of strangers. What if I fall over in the shower or piss the bed, literally. I have some nerve compression thing in lumber spinal cord which is causing a cluster of symptoms including a weakened pelvic floor and thus incontinence. I dont want to “have an accident” in public or have to get help getting up from people who never agreed to that. I can most likely hide everything, to a point, for a while, but oh my lord thats exhausting. I could book a private room somewhere but the cheapest option is 3 times dearer. If I did that then I would have to cut out two thirds of the remaining itinerary, and probably not meet up with the friends who live in those places, and certainly not see those cities which would be a shame. Ive already cut out all the east coast stuff, if I made it all about Jasper and one other city, whichever I flew into, then it would seem like madness to go all that way and Not see all I can, Ive already lost the trans continental idea Im kinda attached to still seeing as much as I can. But the only way to do that is to push myself to doing it the cheapest way possible. And that comes with compromises. Maybe I need to compromise more on itinerary and just make it all about the stargazing?

Health

Connected to that, what if I lose my medications? Or there’s a medical issue? Obviously insurance would help with emergency stuff and from what ive heard Canadian healthcare is decent. It would just be a matter of time, and a lot of phonecalls…yikes. Outside of that it would be a case of waitingleast until i got back, and even here I have to wait weeks, months or even years for referrals. That nerve stuff, I just had to chase up the doctor because they hadnt done the referral they said they had a month ago….. its not like I could potentially lose all sensation or function from the hips down or anything serious like that *sigh* I know I can do the appearing “normal and functional” thing for longer than is healthy and being in a different environment/country with all the new things to explore can give a temporary reprieve, then deal with any fallout when I get back. However I handle it all its always demanding and costly to spoons, theres very little I can do to mitigate that. Before leaving I can do lots of preperation to ease my mind, knackering myself in the process OR I can rest and reserve spoons but not feel adequately prepared. Either way Im going to have to deal with some kind of fallout.

Trauma

And speaking of fallout. My last holiday didnt entirely go great, and though I expect theres much less chance of someone attempting to rape me this time I am definitely scarred by that experience and the hell that followed me home. If anything similar should happen i suspect Id really struggle. Its not anything that couldn’t occur anywhere anytime. But there is an association between going abroad and something bad happening. Having said that, I dont let those things stop me. And theres nothing like doing the scary thing to conquer fears of the scary thing. They may well slow me down and put me off for a while but its a challenge I will step up to, even if it makes me throw up.

Expectations

I have A LOT of pressure on me to do things Now. Admittedly most of that pressure is self imposed, or at least self sustaining. I dont HAVE to respond to everyone immediately but if I dont I feel bad. And I feel like im expected to make sure eveyone else is satisfied which includes responding immediately to their messages even when theres absolutely no need to. Which places a lot of stress onto me and actually makes me freeze and ignore things. Then it reaches a point where ive passed some unspoken acceptable amount of time and pushed well into the neglectful time period. Most of my days are spent on catch up with some additional things that have to be dealt with immediately, so im constantly stressed at all the things. Plus on top of that, a lot of people do expect me to do things on their timescale, ignoring that i operate on fibro time, even people who are helping me with things, things that they agree I need help with, but they still expect me to magically work differently when they want me to do something. And with all-the-things I live in a perpetual anxiety dream of inadequacy and failure, every new thing adds to the demanding mountain. Keeping me awake at night and distracted by day. I am having recurring panics over being away for so long, even though its only a few weeks and really nothing in the grander scale of things. But. …. but, what if….???! What if I receive an appointment letter for something that’s before I get back, its no longer possible to call up and explain why you missed an appointment and get it rescheduled (not that I wouldn’t ever go out of my way to contact asap if I couldnt make an appointment unless I was so unwell that I physically cant) Now you have to get re-referred as the cunts will likely discharge you without a single chance. That happened to me when i was very unwell and having a meltdown and went out of my way to contact and say i couldnt make an appointment. I told them. I told them and they still discharged me with some bullshit about me not showing up and supposedly giving no reason…. so I have had to get referred back. And theyve not even acknowledged my letter responding to their bullshit. So what if they or someone else sends me an appointment while im gone? Ill have to go through all that again with the annoyance and stress that my medical records are being unfairly marked as me not showing up. And if you think that that has no impact on how im treated down the road then you’re a bigger fool than I am. Now, there are ways to alleviate some of this stress by asking friends to check and deal with my post. Its still stressful. And what if the landlord suddenly says theyve found a suitable property to send me to but i have to move within a set time and that clashes and then I have to choose between holiday or moving home…. i mean, the likelihood of them pulling their finger out any earlier than 2-3 years is slim to none but….. what if?? I know that once i left for a holiday most of that would go away as I’ll do what I can when I can and deal with the rest when I return, as once ive departed theres nothing I can do about that stuff. If only i could have that detachment the rest of the time. Like now.

Cultural

Not a massive issue, its less demanding than headin to a highly conservative strongly Muslim country, alone! But still, its a different country with different food and social norms. One benefit of not doing the east coast is I no longer need to learn any French. It would have been fine, I pick things up quickly, one time I inadvertently managed to fool Parisians into thinking I was a local when in fact I was just asking others for the words I needed then repeating them back. I had no idea what i was actually saying! And in Egypt most people appreciated or were even surprised by what vocabulary id picked up. Though i always worry about social faux pas and really dropping myself in shit. And i worry constantly about food, itll be different brands, different packaging and different ingredient varieties that may or may not set off IBS or other reactions. Again, itll be easier than in an Arabic speaking country where I can’t read or speak the language and they had little to no understanding of the need for food clarity. Combined with my inability to clearly explain myself in their language…. I ended up eating a lot of very pain and sickness inducing things. The likelihood of that in Canada will be more on par with home but there’s still an increased chance. And dealing with that while staying in someone else’s home, a stranger on airbnb, or at a hostel will add to my discomfort. Not that airbnb people cant be delightful, the place im at right now started off as a random booking and here I now am looking after their home (including their paying guests) and animals while they’re away! In Canada too!!

Vanity and comfort

I want to travel light, problem is i dont know how to. I try and occasionally manage it. Ive grown used to comforts and having options, as well as psychological needs for certain things that help keep me sane. A long time ago i would leave home with a pair of clean socks, pants, toothbrush, drugs and money and that would be me sorted for a long weekend of partying. 10 years later I’d be taking a bag with water, a clean top and something warm, probably a book too. Mobile phones were in their infancy then and batteries lasted days. Now it’s all cables, tablets, vapes and power packs. Plus all the other stuff, plus medication, medical aids and supports, sanitiser, wipes, hand cream and whatever else i need. Reducing that stuff is hard. So is not packing extra warm/comfy clothing that i need to help with age/fibro related pains. I can manage without a bulky onesie but I am so much happier with one. i obviously dont need to worry about shower gel or toothpaste as I can buy that stuff there, no need to carry it all with me but, what about vanity items like hair products? Things that may make me feel better but are not essential. Where do I draw the line? For Egypt I definitely packed too much including 3 little mascots for comfort, to be fair 2 of them were very small and the larger one I lost. And theres my art supplies which I take with me almost every trip, especialy to new places. It helps me stay calm and process things in a way doing this cant, though I often pack more than I use, because I like to have options. I know I could pack less but, what if….??!

Reliance

Going away means asking others to look after my stuff for me, its not a horrendous thing and I do it for others loads. I mean here i am spending 6 weeks looking after a friends place! Of course, that means asking others to help with mine during that time so theres a chain now of friends helping friends. I am doing regular trips back, though to save money and spoons its not super often, hence needing other’s help. Im improving at asking for help but still pretty bad at accepting it, especially long term. Asking them to look after mine while i go on holiday so soon after my eventual return from here is very uncomfortable. Ive already asked and they’ve said yes, which is a relief to have that confirmation. But its still something that makes me feel itchy, like Im being completely unreasonable asking anyone for anything. As if that wasnt enough I cant stop wondering, what happens if they can no longer help? Ive asked several people for that reason, just in case. Though my experience says that the chances of everyone having something come up to prevent them from being to help, and those things occuring at the same time is actually pretty high, and, you guessed it. Thats making me worried. It wouldn’t be the end of the world and Id just deal with the consequences when i get back, again once im out of the country then theres little i can do so it just goes to the back of my mind and gets filed to “Deal with when home” sadly anxiety brain makes the potential before leaving home issues stuff that I cant put down. The more I can prepare for things the more I can relax during and the better I feel when I leave. Its rare for me to leave mine without any anxiety, not impossible, however even having done everything I can isnt always enough to alleviate the paranoia that ive forgotten something or somethings going to go wrong. I cant keep pestering people to do things for me or check on stuff just because im worried without reason, theyd pretty soon tell me to fuck off and get annoyed with me. So I sit on my anxiety, nursing it, trying to calm it, hoping I can get above it and away from it. I would love to be one of those chilled out people who just go with the flow and seemingly never get bothered by anything…. so much I wish for that. As thats not likely to magically happen any time soon I currently have a fuck tonne of pre holiday nerves.

Go West?

Returning to the itinerary and planning how many and which places I will visit. Im vacillating on whether to go to Vancouver, again it seems silly to travel so far, get so close, and not go. I know someone there, have friends that used to live there and loved it, and others who have visited say its great. So theres a lot of encouragement to go that way. On a more personal note my drive to go that way comes down to the option to get the overnight train through the rockies. In an ideal situation id have a fuck tonne of money, id be able to do a coast to coast trip including getting the trans continental train… I’d love that so much. But its not to be. I *could* get the transcontinental train, if I did I’d be able to fly in, get on the train, do the 3-4 days on the train, fly home. Thats it. I wouldnt even be able to make it to the stargazing site which is my primary drive for this trip. So no, I dont get to do the transcontinental. But I could potentially do the rockies by train and that would compensate…! To do it would cost more than to head back the way I came. Whichever way I go I have to get to an airport city, I cant fly out from the mountains so I have to make that journey east or west. It would be cheaper to go back east, have a night of flexibility in case of delays etc then fly home. Or I could go west, spend a couple of nights in Vancouver, hopefully have enough money left to go to the aquarium and go for a coffee. And hopefully meet up with a friend too. Anything else would have to be free!! Cant even book a hotel because OMG they’re expensive! But I WILL be booking a private room somewhere and relishing in the privacy!!! Its just whether I do that where I landed on arrival or in another, more expensive city. If I go back east I could use the extra money for either a nicer room, or another tourist thing, or to have it as a small emergency fund. Which would ease one of the other stresses. But I want to go to Van and I really want to do at least one train ride, preferably the longer version going over the mountains. Is it obvious that I like trains? and mountains?!

I really hope that i figure this shit out real soon as I plan to go in a couple of months. If I stick to the current itinerary theres a lot of seperate things to be booked and paid for. Its complex, less so than originally though at the moment it still involves a lot of travelling and 4 cities (or 3 cities and a town) and thats the pared down simplified version! I guess one big plus to changing it again to be just about the stars would be to really clear out a lot of that complicated and time consuming stuff. Im generally talking about it as though I am going, as opposed to a possible trip, which makes me think thats its going to happen. Im certainly cutting it fine though as its in just a couple of months, unless I change that too. I’d welcome somebody being willing to listen to me verbalise everthing I’ve just written and bouncing ideas around. Theres undoubedly something that I’ve missed or am just completely unaware of. Maybe there’s another way to do things. Maybe I just need to rant. Maybe I just need to book the damn thing and deal with whatever panic that raises after…. am I being to precious and too anxious and making it more difficult than it needs to be? Am I panicking about nothing? I’ve been trying to make money since I started planning this trip but me being me I have mostly failed. I’ve made enough to allow me to do the current plan(ish) and hope to make some more so that I can have some back up, and the dream would be to get a couple of big jobs that allow me to do something like scuba or even book a private room AND do scuba. Thats unlikely though as I will only have one month at home before I leave (on the current plan) and that month is going to be busy with house stuff and health stuff and I’m not going to have a huge amount of time or spoons for anything else, so pimping myself is going to be difficult. The worry about finances is overwhelming, even though its not likely that I’ll end up in trouble I cant stop worrying. Like what if an unexpected thing comes up in the next couple of months and I need a huge chunk of money to sort it? I cant tap into my meagre savings for another year or so, so its down to what I have reserved in my current account. And its not something that should be ruling my life, its one of those things that can happen to anyone at any time. I’ve not long had any reasonable management of my finances, after smoking and drinking my way through thousands I’ve not been able to work reliably and rebuild those savings. But I have gained way better control over my spending and saving etc, one might even say… responsible…(excuse me while I vomit) and with that new found ability I feel bad for even thinking about putting myself in a situation where I might end up needing to borrow to sort it out.  I need to repay my uncle from my egypt trip (thats not happened because of the non contact stuff and its stressed me out) and it took me years to pay back the money I borrowed around my breakdown. I’m not going there again. Maybe the feeling is more of an associated trauma around the shame and stress of what was rather than what might be. Though its not impossible that I could end up in that kind of financial despiration ever again, I shouldnt let that fear ruin my day to day life and make me so stressed. Damn I think I need some counselling just around my past money issues! I keep thinking I should just cancel the whole thing and forget about it. Wait until I have a chance to save up more, until I’ve done a lot more work on the flat and maybe wait until I’ve moved as thats going to cost a fair bit. But that could be years and I dont want to put my entire life on hold waiting for it. This whole trip idea started as a depressed reckless plan to go to Gallifrey 1, thanks to american visa nonsense I’m not going there, possibly ever and I fucking refuse to be complicit in that bullshit. And I had thought that I could pop up to Canada as part of that trip. Then I scrubbed the US and was left with Canada. Which I started to think about all the posibilities there and got excited about. Then I decided its well past time to replace my mattress and used up a third of my money. I needed, still need, some winter sun so LA for Gally would have been perfect. I considered doing a sun seeking holiday instead and looked for winter sun with startgazing options but kept going back to the Canada sites, so it seems my heart really wants to go there. As I sit here wrapped up in layers thinking about lighting a fire, the sun is currently trying to shine though an endless cloud and theres a break in the storm. I could go out and “get some sun” though through the fleece and jumper and raincoat its not going to feel particularly pleasant. So instead I’ll gaze through the window all melancholy like and wait for the rain as I stress about all the things and wonder if I’ll ever make it anywhere at this rate. After all, I could still take the option to go out on a high and spend it all on crack and heroin, fuck everything. Its all bullshit nonsense anyway.