I made it through 2018. I know many people are pleased by that. Most of the year was a shit show from my pov. Ive watched people around me doing great things, making changes big and small, but all important. I’ve watched myself do the same yet remain detached from acomplishments, and nkw im struggling to claim the space of someone who was sexually abused, assaulted, raped, because theres always someone else has had it worse. And yeah, i know that my pain is mine and my experiences are true, but I dont want to think about them so its easy to hide behind the pain of others.
The respite gave me a space to talk and open up, without judgment. Being told that I was believed when mentioning something that nobody has ever believed before (not the abuse) helped validate my experience of life at that time. And it gave me a bit of a break. Though its a one off and i can’t go back. And ive been worried about the suicidal ideation returning. It took just a week. So the new year has started on a bum note, and im struggling again.
Last year was fucking rough. So was the year before, and the one before that… I did complete 3 years of hardcore therapy, I did make changes, i did begin to reach out. Yet i have less inclination to stay alive than ive had in a long time.
If my life were a tv show, id be getting to the end of the year feeling like it was all too bleak. And my feelings on the show as a whole would depend on what happens next season. If things didnt perk up it would become something that seriously dropped in my personal ratings. And as im the one making this fucking shit show then I have only myself to blame.
There is posibility of an up turn, I have an advocate who will hopefully help me deal with the harassment and another issue both of which have landed me in a very dark place. And I have just got a space at a charity that offers short term support. Maybe with these things I’ll be able to find the strength to deal with my long buried memories.
The Bouncing Spoon 