Flotation required 

I have a feeling I’ve not experienced in years. An overpowering sensation of emptiness that literally hurts. It’s horrible, not just because of what it is but also what it represents. It’s the past, the former me that moved on from this hell and learned to embrace my own company. Somebody who has spent years and tonnes of spoons letting go of that, who’s been thankful and even pleased at my progress here. 

But now it’s suddenly back. This chest crushing, heart stabbing, headache producing longing for something that’s missing. Something that never was, never will be….something that is – other – In the past this would happen when I felt lonely, lost, abandoned or generally sad. It was a longing for things to either change drastically, or to return to how they were just minutes before. I’d often find myself standing at a windows watching a guest walk away as they begin their journey home, and I would be left behind, alone and hating my own company. Feeling like my chest was going to cave in. Or likewise if I was having a bad week and I needed comfort, that pain would come. 

Now, I know I’m horribly stuck with my life. Despirately wanting an epiphany, needed an answer to the big question. In that respect I am longing for the other, wanting things to change. So maybe it makes sense that this pain has returned after so long away. I’m not so bother by they why, it more the connections and memories it brings with it. That awful feeling of being dragged backwards into old emotions and drowning in them, wondering why I can’t swim up for air. 

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Crawling ( Opening old wounds)

For a bit of background… I detested Linkin Park when they appeared on the scene. I was a hardcore music snob and hated all the new (short haired) nu and rap metal. I only bought Hybrid Theory this year thanks to a podcast called Thrash it Out, thanks guys! Now I’m annoyed at myself because this album is ABSOLUTELY my kind of music.

I’ve been listening to it obsessively over the last week or two.
I had a meltdown recently, you may have noticed. And I have been VERY depressed, withdrawn, unable to focus, spending hours just laying in bed staring at the wall. Not doing anything I didn’t have to do, with a couple of exceptions in attempts to perk myself up.

I did have a very lovely time with my occasional bitch (don’t look at me, they chose that title!) which gave me some much needed relief. A ‘sleep’ later and I’m back down in the clingy shit filled pit trying with all my energy to just get through one day and pushing myself into something I’d be content to withdraw from. Something that forces me to interact with other people and I do deliberately partly for that very reason.

anyway, I digress. Back to Hybrid Theory. I’m listening to it right now, for the 13 billionth time. I should stop and pick something else, less depressive music. But I can’t. I’m stuck. I’m inside myself screaming to get out and I can’t. I need to get out of my own head. It’s somewhat of a cliché but music saved my life. Music, dancing, going to clubs was the only way I was able to connect to and/or express the lifetime of feelings I had repressed. Over the years, cutting whilst listening to something that has connected emotionally has become a valid and useful coping mechanism. The pain became a way to release pent up rage and pain, partly because as a young child extreme pain was the only time I would cry in front of my abuser so it became a thing. It has developed into blood letting, the more blood the better, which mean lots more shallower wounds OR three deep ones. Usually it works like the valve on a pressure cooker, letting me pick up again and carry on, until the next build up. Usually. Sometimes I need to repeat the process, try the other option. Or it just doesnt work. If that happens I’m way more prone to becoming suicidal, if I’m not already.

desperate to do something, trying not to put myself into danger, I decided to cut into some old scars that had long faded. Something that would be seen but that I can also pass off as body mod stuff and thus not feel self-conscious or spend the next couple of months exclusively in long sleeves. Listening to Linkin Park on repeat, a decent amount of blood flowed.

It didnt work. No connection. Not a single fucking tear. The only thing I felt was a manic joy at the blood and endorphins. No emotional release.

It’s also really fucking depressing that this album came out 17 years ago, covering things around mental health and abuse and stuff. (There is a reason I called them the Little Angry Ones when they appeared!) So, recently Chester lost the fight with mental health problems, after all this time he still couldn’t make it. I’m really struggling with thoughts about my future, I can’t picture anything other than failure. And if he can’t continue after such a long time how am I going to manage. In my mind I have ‘failed’ so many times. I can’t see/feel any successes and thus can’t see the point in continuing now especially as in a years time I’ll likely be a total fuckup, again. Logically I could argue against that, even show proof to the contrary. But my abusive depressed brain would not be able to see or recognise anything other that what it keeps telling me. Which is that I may as well give up.