After so much impotent rage at so many things, days upon days of being completely isolated save for a little bit of text chat, if that. Of being too tired to do anything, too afraid to leave the house at all. Occasionally going onto twitter and getting wound up, being filled with so much anger that i dont sleep making the next day harder. One day i went online to see that there was a protest in action at that moment. Id been offline for a couple of days (recovering from previous visits to the twitterverse) so I hadn’t known about it. But i looked up for more and found a list of upcoming ones round here. Id not been on a protest in nearly 20 years, growing anxieties and worsening physical issues had stopped me attending any. Which was a headfuck for someone who grew up going to protests, i dont even remember my first one i was so young, though I have been told about it, and seen news footage too. I’ll give mother that one, she did good in teaching us to stand up and be counted even if she couldnt do so herself. (Just like she told us not to be homophobic or rascist even though she was both those things, of course she didnt think that but this post is not me bitching about her for a change!) Though like i said Id been unable to attend any marches in a long time, existing anxiety being sent into overdrive when so called anarchists started turning peaceful protests into riots, just because, and police started kettling at every protest. Escalating peaceful actions into fear and anger then using that as an excuse to attack protesters. Plus my paranoia did not like that they were recording everyone who attends and keeping that information “for their records”. There is so much frustration and anxiety around protests that concerns for my own safety and privacy overwhelmed any urge to join one. Plus being unable to walk much discounted me from marches. For nearly 2 decades I have been mentally and physically silencing myself, feeling guilty for not being there and being part of the movement, for not standing up and being counted. And now with corona and being uncomfortable with leaving the house even to go to the park a lot of the time, ive been just not going outside. But seeing that BLM protest made me want to be there, made me want to stand up and be counted. Ive been struggling with my therapy sessions (see Blisters.) which led to me retreating even more, not getting out of bed for a couple of days after each session, on the day of the next scheduled protest i didnt wake up until the time it started. When I checked on it later, trying to get an idea of numbers i saw the #riots so i checked… Not, Even, A, Hint. It was the police roughing up a few protesters and 3 twats throwing what looked like water bottles some distance from any visable police officer. Once again the press was showing its true motivations with such utterly lazy and despicable journalism. That sealed it, I WAS GOING ON THE NEXT ONE. No amount of scaremongering would stop me, I would set alarms to make sure i got up. I would rest as much as I could. I would ensure I had my supports, medication, food, water, spare masks etc….just to make sure I was in the best possible state I could manage. I had 2 days to prepare and panic about all the anxieties and wow was i anxious but the black lives matter protests are more important than my stupid life. And thats it in a nutshell. In those couple of days i put out messages and contacted people who i thought would be interested, if not already planning to attend. It would be nice to have a friend, to see someone, anyone, that I know, someone to talk to and lean on if needed. One person, let me say that again… ONE PERSON responded. Not only was there an overwhelming lack of care that i was going to be going from months spent solitary to a massive protest, me, the person who cant even go to the park when its busy. Me, the ambulatory mass of anxiety and panic attacks, was planning on voluntarily goung to a protest. Alone at this rate. Even without corona thats something that ive not been able to do for sooooo long. Disappointed in the deafening lack of enthusiasm for the protest, i was definitely going to be attending without emotional or physical support. Except for the person who offered text support and checked in with me a couple of times on the day (YAYYYY and thank you) And later another who lives in a different city checked in on me thinking i’d be home by that point. I know I slag people off a lot but sometimes my friends are the best. But, I was saddenened by so many people not doing anything.
Anyway, despite many things trying to stop me, despite nearly throwing up several times, despite pain and nerves, I made it there. Walking past the mounted police, which felt unnessescary, and a collection of sour faced metropolitan officers. There was actually a fairly small number visible at the site. They were all in their vans waiting around the corner, I know because I walked past them too. There were a lot of other people arriving, a lot, forcing the nerves out of my mind i kept moving forward. The place was packed when i arrived, and i nervously walked deeper in. I wanted to read the signs and get pictures. I couldn’t hear what was being spoken but a massive cheer went up and it sent shivers through me, in a good way, and a samba band was playing. I LOVE SAMBA, it made me a little sad because i was about to join a samba band then lockdown happened. But, it made me overall so much happier, it instantly relaxed me and calmed my nerves. That and the cheers washed away my fears and suddenly i was smiling behind my mask. I had made it!! And so many other people had come too, so many were there being counted by the helecopters filming us, and i was a part of it. Finally I had broken nearly 20 years of fear and anxiety. Instead of standing at the edge i wanted to get closer to the band and to see as many of the signs as possible. Walking carefully between people i felt tears welling up, i felt weirdly proud of all the people who had made it out, risking so much to have their voices counted. And that it was at least the 3rd protest here and there was no sign of things fizzling out. Long story short, after a while warching the people circling the band appeared close by to me and started to march. We walked and walked and walked, people chanted and sang and danced. Mostly at least trying to keep some physical distance and nearly all wearing masks, unlike nearly every other time ive left the house all this year. And, unsurprisingly, I hurt, so much. But the band kept me going. I needed to pull over and rest but when i thought about doung so realising that i would be there alone surrounded by hundereds if not thousands of people and would be without the band, without the music thay was keeping me calm. Panic rising I gave up on that idea, following the words of the infamous Dory… Just Keep Swimming. It felt like a “proper” protest, blocking roads, diverting traffic, onlookers joining in. Eventually the band stopped and I continued for a while, until i saw somewhere out of the way I could pull over and rest. Having been fairly near the front i decided to time how long it took the rest of the people to pass, to get a rough feeling of numbers. Over 35minutes! Not including the thinned out peoples at the end or those ahead of me. Unfortunately it took another couple of hours to get out of there and home but i didnt mind so much, i had my dalek and music and though i had a book i was too spent to read. I remembered to take some painkillers and just waited patiently, I had prepared well so I only had to stay calm and remeber what had just been achieved. I did laugh when Rage Against the Machine started playing on my randomised music!
There was a fight on the bus home later, the only violence i witnessed, but again, too spent to care. Eventually getting home, making sure i ate and going to bed. Exhaustion meant i slept okay for a nice change and id made sure i could rest for a couple of days having food accessible and downing plenty of painkillers. I experienced further disappointment when afterwards I got people complaining that the protest was irresponsible and going to cause a second wave in corona infections, I was so tired and proud and then this. I could do an entire post on how that’s such bullshit. About how it ties into the racist rhetoric that people are out there protesting. When primarily white middle class and rich people are blatantly breaking the rules and openly, VERY OPENLY getting away with it. When more black people are being penalised for lockdown violations, when they’re disproportionately going to be exposed to and die from corona virus but they dont have the choice to work from home because they’re doing all the jobs that middle class white people dont have to, like I said I could do a whole other post on this it goes so deep and is so pervasive. And, again, is why people are protesting. I was told that nows not the time, well that’s the same thing that is said time and again. Nows not the time. Now is not a good time. Because its never a good time, and those being abused are told that their needs are less important than xyz issues, that we’ll deal with it later after we’ve fixed ‘this’ issue and it gets said again and again until people run out of steam and resources, until it just “goes away”. It’s the language of abusers and fascists, it’s the language of those who don’t want to face their own complicity in the painful truth, its the language of people who dont want to think about how theyve gained from their privilege, those that have the privilege of not being angry, or because speaking out might risk their comfortable position. Its the language of those that just want things to remain the same, and not deal with difficult stuff that doesnt directly affect their everyday life. Hoping that it’ll get sorted out by someone else or simply fade away and sort itself out. We’ll it’s been several hundred years and the endemic racist system is still going strong. NOW IS THE TIME. And I am so angry and so disappointed in the complacency of people around me.
Oh and if I do come down with covid19 it is soooooo much more likely that I picked it up during a trip to sainsburys the day before where it was very busy, nobody was enforcing distancing, hardly anyone was voluntarily observing it and ONLY ONE OTHER PERSON WAS WEARING A MASK. If I got it anywhere its probably there, at sainsburys. Because at the march I saw more people with face coverings than at any other time this whole year, I know I’ve said that already but it bears repeating. Yes they got closer than they should but there was nobody leaning across my face, unlike in sainsbury. There was nobody trying to touch me to get my attention, unlike in sainsbury. So to see those comments on my Facebook, while my exhausted, bruised and blistered body was recoving from having done something that was a MASSIVE personal achievement… Im still not calmed down about it and it’s been nearly 3 weeks (I think, again, tired).
And yes I am blowing my own trumpet saying look how great I am for overcoming my personal troubles to go protest. Aren’t I fucking brilliant. Except I’m not. I am nothing. My life is nothing. My troubles are nothing against experiences of poc particularly black people. That’s my brief commentary on my one protest and the reason for it. Going back to those negative comments, it was extra insulting because those people know me and know that i am taking corona VERY seriously yet they jumped on to accuse me of creating a second spike, to accuse me of killing more people. I am being responsible and keeping myself isolated for 2 weeks, just in case. Which is rather laughable because I wasn’t likely to see anyone anyway. And if you’re getting butt-hurt about me saying that, ask yourself when exactly you were planning on meeting up with me…? As for me killing thousands more, how about you turn that hate towards all of the complacent wankers that are speading it, including our government that is more concerned with lining its own pockets than protecting us. Who are setting terrible examples and getting away with it. Or the people doing the fucking conga on VE day….those people were literally holding each other. Or the morons that A)think its okay to go to a farmers market when theres a deadly virus rampaging the world B)think its okay to hold a farmers market when theres a deadly virus rampaging the world. Or maybe all those middle class people driving off to their second homes in the countryside on the long weekend, when EVERYONE had been asked to stay home. yet they think that doesnt apply to them and they go off taking whatever germs they have with them. Or the leaders of our country just doing whatever they want, driving all over the place, while knowingly infected….. Yet people think its okay to blame the Black Lives Matter protesters for all the things other people have done. It hurts to see my friends saying those things.
And for those of you who cant go protest, i get it, i really do! Please dont feel bad, please dont beat yourself up with guilt or shame. There is no shame in how your body works, or doesnt, in whatever quirks, conditions and foibles it has. YOU ARE VALID! I got lucky in it being a day that i could walk and stand, that i could physically get up, get dressed, take meds, leave the house etc. I had prepared as much as i could, even then there was no guarantee and as much as i say not to be hard on yourself I know i would have been on myself had i not be able to make it out. I risked corona to go protest, i might end up dead because I went outside, though like i said picking up food in sainsbury supermarket the day before is much more likely to be a speading ground. I certainly wont be risking going into a supermarket again that isnt taking corona seriously. Also, its been over two weeks and I’m not sick yet….probably not gonna die just yet.
The Bouncing Spoon 