Still looking for a reason to stay.
Can’t find one.
There is nothing visable to me.
Came across this on tumblr and was struck by it…
posted by cogito-ergo-amo, someone I have followed for some time and love 99% of their posts.
Friends and I enjoyed sun, sand, and surf with other beachgoers on a recent Saturday. Sitting slathered in sticky sunscreen beneath our umbrellas, we pointlessly brushed sand from our legs as we discussed evening plans. The seagulls overhead laughed louder than the swimmers splashing in nearby waves while those of us on the beach napped, read, or simply watched people. My friends discussed how relaxing it was and how nice it would be to sleep late the next morning.
Sleep late? I mentioned to them that we only get so many sunrises in a lifetime. Shouldn’t we get up to look at a few?
They stared blankly for a second then shook their heads in unison. No.
In the wee hours of the next morning, alone in the dark, I started the short walk from house to beach guided only by dim lights above the boardwalk. It was eerily quiet at…
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Longingly I gaze upon the wilderness
Salt water gently caressing my eyes
so close and so very far
long gone are the days of freedom
long gone is the option to lose myself in the long green of my vision
A longing so desperate it tears a crater within the brittle cage that holds back a dark ocean of yesterdays.
The weight of bitterness too heavy to bear
Movement only in dreams, free to dance with the winds, singing limbs unconstrained by reality.
Life’s essence etches red tracks across the scarred landscape of the soft body.
The body that burns and grinds in protest at every shallow breath
fantasies of floods, red as death, washed down with the sweet saltines of precious tears.
Preparing, tidying up the failures of a lifetime wasted.
Leave no mess
but memories of failed dreams
Leave before compulsion drives this tattered fool further into darkness.
Already too deep to find a way out of the thick clinging stench of self-imposed prison.
buried so far down within torment, no chance of warming touch from sun
no freedom to move, no choice to be still
nothing but hell
Nature calls as she always does when darkness falls
Her soft voice whispering in the grass
triggering an embedded need to rejoin with her
My molecules becoming one with beauty, coveted so by a sad and jealous heart
Life’s beauty and ugliness pass by on missions unknown
Dreams of flight pervade my thoughts again
To be free of this cage
feathers where once were fingers
open air where once was hard ground
escape at last from this damaged fleshy prison
Never lasting the dream fades again to despair
Anger welling up, consuming, changing, until nothing but bitterness and pain remain
How do I tell the one I love that I am leaving
How do I ease her pain and show her this is the right path for me
I have failed myself and all my dreams
trained for incompetence
I’ve excelled at being the best loser
Ruined dreams lay broken at my naked feet
why change the habit of a lifetime
stay in the uncomfortable horror of the familiar
more than half a lifetime spent trying to untangle the painful mess, learn new habits, forgive old ones
Still I cannot overcome
I was made to be broken
and broken I am
Oh to touch the clouds, to soar above the trees, dive beneath the waves
gentle waves washing away the stink
floating on the wind
cycled again and again until eventually consumed by the star that birthed us all
No more pain
no more suffering
sinking into oblivion
sinking into bliss
Nevermore trapped by the obligations of blood, flesh and bones
what reason to remain
to mockingly care for the tiny handful of life’s wonders, chosen to comfort and teach
Nurture failed, thoughtfulness lost
compassion a distant tool, hard to access.
stupidly repeating the neglect of old
A pretender to the crown
worth mis-given by innocents
Tricked, deceived, manipulated
their memories will be but false creations, manufactured by the ultimate lie
I am not who you think I am
Cannot continue with this pretence
cannot live any other way
Unskilled, inexperienced, I’ve fumbled my way through this new existence
chosen to extinguish bile filled chaos
a fire only dampened down
embers still glowing after all these years
ready to spark ablaze the tinder and dry wood of pains so long ago buried
I want to go now.
Set my spirit free
Once upon a lifetime I had all the potential, and no choices
later, decisions made have borne weak and sickly fruits
demanding more than their worth
draining dry the fragile resources gathered through broken promises
This lie I’ve been living can end
false positives always hanging over
Leave that world
leave this world
numb to both
rejected, dejected. Unknown, never was
Nothing left for the nothing person
surrounded by a mountain of memories
set it afire
it means nothing to anyone else
just trinkets and nonsense
Many lifetimes crowded into a space too tight
stagnant with the rituals of traditions long past
if they ever were
Free me from this cage
which path to choose
rivers of red seeping across the fleshscape
threads of poison reaching inside and strangling all meaning from a battered soul
a bright explosion, coursing pain, possible regret
sweet featureless unfeeling blackness
the answer finally found