Ever feel defeated by life?

Been struggling through post surgical depression for three weeks. Complicated by my therapy sessions and aggravated by my horrendous neighbors. With all of my family distracted by my cousin passing away recently and the closest geographically now away on holiday. Plus my closest friends now totally subsumed by parenthood. The last three weeks have felt terribly lonely. I don’t suffer much with loneliness these days, it used to be a chronic and powerful force in my life, years ago. I removed it and learnt to be comfortable with my own company. But with everything that’s happened in the last two years, my mobile restrictions and heavy medication after surgery have left me feeling broken and alone. 

I have developed a good friendship with my neighbor who has been a wonderful help and the only person to regularly check in to see hoe I’m doing and if I need anything. Without them I could well have ended up in hospital to get the support I required. 

I’ve tried not being angry at friends and family for abandoning me. They generally and genuinely have other priorities. Many are burnt out and distraught after my cousins horrific battle with cancer. Me with my porely timed endometrial cyst and oopherectomy simply don’t compare. And I’m not the type to continually demand that people keep their promises of help. That kind of thing I can do when feeling strong, when I don’t nessescerily need it. And others have offered help but life some distance away so asking them to pop over seems rediculous. Though one has been good with Skype calls to try keep me sane. But the sad thing is its not enough. 

Recently I was discussing in therapy and questioning my decision to remain without any significant other(s) it’s been needed for me to be able to focus on me and my recovery/metamorphosis. I barely sleep, spend a large amount of my time and energy on medical/health commitments and have for the last year begun (re)building my social life with artistic classes. So I really haven’t had the time to persue romantic entanglements. Which I’ve been absolutely fine with, until recently. Even when friends and family haven’t been so distracted, it would have been ideal to have someone or someones with whom I could confide and seek guidance. Someone who’s shoulder I am comfortable crying on, somebody happy to watch my favourite tv and cuddle up with in silence. Someone who would know instinctively what I needed at any particular moment and who wanted to give their time for me. That all sounds terribly selfish now I see it written out, and maybe the guilt and conflict of wanting all that is wrapping itself around the loads I’m already carrying and squeezing tight. Suffocating me, making it hard to breathe or move. Just what I need when home-bound by the operation. 

Doing the right thing

More big changes come my way. Something I’ve been trying to avoid for years, today I agreed, nay asked, for.
Sorry to be so vague right now but I’m still trying to get my head around it and the shame I have around the whole situation.
At least I am doing the proper thing and if not fully taking responsibility at least owning the crap.

Yep. This is my mess.

Anybody got an enormous brush & pan to sweep it up with?!

More labels

Yesterday was a big deal, sick I chose mental health over physical and persevered with accomplishing my targets.

A super early start for a volunteer shift at a morning rave, trying my best not to breathe, cough or sneeze near anyone… this plague is a painful annoyance.
After a slow lunch and time in the park, I had an assessment at a CFS clinic.

The short version is that they can’t currently help me, and that I have PTSD. Not really surprising considering my history, and the plague & early start made it all a bit much.

It’s settling in now. I agree with him, I did at the time, but the recommendations he’s going to make are a heavy burden.

I’m to get onto the waiting list for Trauma Therapy. Something that will, by definition, be traumatic.

I should be getting regular psychiatric appointments, outside of and separate to therapy. Conflicted slightly about this as I’d enjoyed the feeling of no longer requireing this. But I’ve known for a while that I currently need it, so I guess that’s a bonus.

And finally, he wants me to start taking lithium. I don’t want to, for a whole host of reasons, and my former psych who I’m about to be referred back to, knows this and knows my reasons.
He was successful in getting me to take carbamazapine. I’m still struggling with the side effects of that one several years after stopping it. It’s going to be one hell of a struggle to swallow that pill. Bad pun intended.

I’m not well enough to properly process all of this, and not sick enough to put it aside. I kinda want to curl up in someone’s arms and forget about it all right now. That’s not possible, so junk food and sweets it is.

none

Longingly I gaze upon the wilderness

Salt water gently caressing my eyes

so close and so very far

long gone are the days of freedom

long gone is the option to lose myself in the long green of my vision

A longing so desperate it tears a crater within the brittle cage that holds back a dark ocean of yesterdays.

Paralysed.

The weight of bitterness too heavy to bear

Movement only in dreams, free to dance with the winds, singing limbs unconstrained by reality.

Life’s essence etches red tracks across the scarred landscape of the soft body.

The body that burns and grinds in protest at every shallow breath

fantasies of floods, red as death, washed down with the sweet saltines of precious tears.

Preparing, tidying up the failures of a lifetime wasted.

Leave no mess

leave nothing

but memories of failed dreams

Leave before compulsion drives this tattered fool further into darkness.

Already too deep to find a way out of the thick clinging stench of self-imposed prison.

buried so far down within torment, no chance of warming touch from sun

no freedom to move, no choice to be still

no peace

no quite

nothing but hell

Nature calls as she always does when darkness falls

Her soft voice whispering in the grass

triggering an embedded need to rejoin with her

My molecules becoming one with beauty, coveted so by a sad and jealous heart

Life’s beauty and ugliness pass by on missions unknown

Dreams of flight pervade my thoughts again

To be free of this cage

feathers where once were fingers

open air where once was hard ground

escape at last from this damaged fleshy prison

Never lasting the dream fades again to despair

Anger welling up, consuming, changing, until nothing but bitterness and pain remain

How do I tell the one I love that I am leaving

How do I ease her pain and show her this is the right path for me

I have failed myself and all my dreams

trained for incompetence

I’ve excelled at being the best loser

Ruined dreams lay broken at my naked feet

why change the habit of a lifetime

stay in the uncomfortable horror of the familiar

more than half a lifetime spent trying to untangle the painful mess, learn new habits, forgive old ones

Still I cannot overcome

I was made to be broken

and broken I am

Oh to touch the clouds, to soar above the trees, dive beneath the waves

Float motionless

gentle waves washing away the stink

Alone.

floating on the wind

cycled again and again until eventually consumed by the star that birthed us all

No more pain

no more suffering

sinking into oblivion

sinking into bliss

Nevermore trapped by the obligations of blood, flesh and bones

what reason to remain

to endure

to mockingly care for the tiny handful of life’s wonders, chosen to comfort and teach

Nurture failed, thoughtfulness lost

compassion a distant tool, hard to access.

stupidly repeating the neglect of old

A pretender to the crown

kindness assumed

worth mis-given by innocents

Tricked, deceived, manipulated

their memories will be but false creations, manufactured by the ultimate lie

I am not who you think I am

Cannot continue with this pretence

cannot live any other way

Unskilled, inexperienced, I’ve fumbled my way through this new existence

chosen to extinguish bile filled chaos

a fire only dampened down

embers still glowing after all these years

ready to spark ablaze the tinder and dry wood of pains so long ago buried

I want to go now.

Set my spirit free

Once upon a lifetime I had all the potential, and no choices

later, decisions made have borne weak and sickly fruits

Poisonous distractions

demanding more than their worth

draining dry the fragile resources gathered through broken promises

This lie I’ve been living can end

false positives always hanging over

Leave that world

leave this world

numb to both

rejected, dejected. Unknown, never was

Nothing left for the nothing person

surrounded by a mountain of memories

blocked in

blocked up

trapped

set it afire

it means nothing to anyone else

just trinkets and nonsense

Many lifetimes crowded into a space too tight

stagnant with the rituals of traditions long past

if they ever were

Free me from this cage

which path to choose

rivers of red seeping across the fleshscape

threads of poison reaching inside and strangling all meaning from a battered soul

a bright explosion, coursing pain, possible regret

then blackness

sweet featureless unfeeling blackness

the answer finally found

Here we go again

Finally received the dreaded letter, the one DWP have been promising for so long.

Apply for PIP now or have my disability payment stopped within 2 weeks.

Great.

Once again, another point based assessment done by a non medical, non sympathetic person who’s aim at heart is to remove me from the system.

Not that I’m jaded or anything.

Sigh

Hello Old Friend

I went to visit you today.

Standing tall and proud in your forever home, blanketed from the wind by a thick layer of moss. Freshly placed flowers at your feet, a gift from a friend. Looking out over your favourite house and able to admire the natural beauty all around you, any time, every day, its all yours now.

I cried, the first time I’ve cried since I got here four days ago. The first time its felt real since I got here. I walked up and hugged you, you felt warm and soft thanks to the moss, but strong and calm underneath, like the tree you now embody. You are the tree, you are the moss, you are the grass on the ground and all the plants around. Your ashes feed and nourish, giving new life to the bulbs your family planted for you. Come the spring birds and squirrels will nest in your branches while your dogs play around your roots. You may not look the same as before, taller, stronger and your colours have changed from blues to greens, but it is you, all you, definitely you.

So I finally say farewell my friend, but not goodbye, there’s a piece of you in my heart forever and if I need to see you, to talk to you directly, I know where you are. Watching over your loved ones from the great height you have now achieved, may this new life be a long and happy one, free from the pains that plagued your life before. Finally able to rest, may you continue to inspire others for generations to come in the beautiful peace and quiet that is your new home. I miss you, I love you, be well my Friend.

The sands of time are running thin

Life (mine, friends, family) has come to an undeniable and inevitable situation. Forcing me to live up to my word and do what I’ve wanted/claimed/tried to be doing for years.

It’s smack down time

I can’t hide any more. I have been overwhelmed, there are a lot of things that now DEMAND my attention.

No more hiding, no more subconscious delaying. Time to act. And time to accept that these things take time. Where’s that patient temperament I felt I had as a child?!

Too much to explain, I shall try to get it out, in small manageable bits. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

There is A LOT of work to be done.

Big bereavement issues to work through, the dead, the dying and those deliberately left behind.
Health, work, hoarding, terror of failure, fear of finding what I want, and that I might like what I want, I might succeed, I might, one day, be happy.

And I want it all yesterday.