Ever feel defeated by life?

Been struggling through post surgical depression for three weeks. Complicated by my therapy sessions and aggravated by my horrendous neighbors. With all of my family distracted by my cousin passing away recently and the closest geographically now away on holiday. Plus my closest friends now totally subsumed by parenthood. The last three weeks have felt terribly lonely. I don’t suffer much with loneliness these days, it used to be a chronic and powerful force in my life, years ago. I removed it and learnt to be comfortable with my own company. But with everything that’s happened in the last two years, my mobile restrictions and heavy medication after surgery have left me feeling broken and alone. 

I have developed a good friendship with my neighbor who has been a wonderful help and the only person to regularly check in to see hoe I’m doing and if I need anything. Without them I could well have ended up in hospital to get the support I required. 

I’ve tried not being angry at friends and family for abandoning me. They generally and genuinely have other priorities. Many are burnt out and distraught after my cousins horrific battle with cancer. Me with my porely timed endometrial cyst and oopherectomy simply don’t compare. And I’m not the type to continually demand that people keep their promises of help. That kind of thing I can do when feeling strong, when I don’t nessescerily need it. And others have offered help but life some distance away so asking them to pop over seems rediculous. Though one has been good with Skype calls to try keep me sane. But the sad thing is its not enough. 

Recently I was discussing in therapy and questioning my decision to remain without any significant other(s) it’s been needed for me to be able to focus on me and my recovery/metamorphosis. I barely sleep, spend a large amount of my time and energy on medical/health commitments and have for the last year begun (re)building my social life with artistic classes. So I really haven’t had the time to persue romantic entanglements. Which I’ve been absolutely fine with, until recently. Even when friends and family haven’t been so distracted, it would have been ideal to have someone or someones with whom I could confide and seek guidance. Someone who’s shoulder I am comfortable crying on, somebody happy to watch my favourite tv and cuddle up with in silence. Someone who would know instinctively what I needed at any particular moment and who wanted to give their time for me. That all sounds terribly selfish now I see it written out, and maybe the guilt and conflict of wanting all that is wrapping itself around the loads I’m already carrying and squeezing tight. Suffocating me, making it hard to breathe or move. Just what I need when home-bound by the operation. 

Been away too long

I have wanted, so many times, to write. But I just haven’t been able to, for a variety of reasons.  I do on occasion manage to write something up in my head so I’m halfway there…! Generally though, things have been so dark, so overwhelming and so confusing that I could not work out how to express myself in words. I’d still try, occasionally.

I’m not going to say that i failed, even though that’s what it feels like, because I didn’t fail. it was simply a different time where my energies were focused on and demanded by other areas. A lot has changed of course, including myself. Family members and friends have died, other friends have increased their unit size and created their own families. I’ve had what has felt like endless medical appointments, examinations, tests, treatments, regimes, referrals, knock-backs, major surgery, help and a bit too many hindrances. Though I am now able to see that there will be an end to it all, probably not a quickly as I would like, but it is coming. And I am taking back as much control as I can!

For the last year or so, I have been reducing my painkillers, which I have been on 4+ x a day every day for around 6 years (making a royal mess of my innards in the process). As of next month I will be back to PRN for anything containing opiates, paracetamol, hypnotics, muscle relaxants etc!!! I’m keeping the pregabalin and sertraline as they are for now and will just use the brainkillers when I really need them. The fibro and fatigue are much better controlled these days, and my recent surgery might result in an easing of the pcos/endo symptoms I’ve been suffering with for the last 10+ years….I hope.

Without breaking confidentiality of my fellow groups members, there was much deep and dark discussion yesterday around assisted suicide, murder, neglect, abuse, and rape. It was a deeply powerful group, with subjects that could each have been delved into for a long time but with the time constraint we barely scraped the surfaces. This does however teach us to be more succinct, to get to the point, that hook, the thing that is terrorizing us. Get to the core, or as close to as possible at that moment in time, and stop dancing around the details, details that often serve as a distraction or diversion from that thing.

I have dedicated the last 2 years almost entirely to healing. Learning to self care, learning to manage time and energy, when to stop pushing and when to reach out. There’s still a long way to go, life is currently a living hell which I have nearly escaped once or twice. And wanted to leave more times than I can remember. And there is no ‘end’ to the process, this is going to be a life long mission to keep learning, making adjustments, listening to my body/mind and standing my ground when required. There’s no such thing as a happy ending. So we just need to make the most of what we have NOW.

Doing the right thing

More big changes come my way. Something I’ve been trying to avoid for years, today I agreed, nay asked, for.
Sorry to be so vague right now but I’m still trying to get my head around it and the shame I have around the whole situation.
At least I am doing the proper thing and if not fully taking responsibility at least owning the crap.

Yep. This is my mess.

Anybody got an enormous brush & pan to sweep it up with?!

More labels

Yesterday was a big deal, sick I chose mental health over physical and persevered with accomplishing my targets.

A super early start for a volunteer shift at a morning rave, trying my best not to breathe, cough or sneeze near anyone… this plague is a painful annoyance.
After a slow lunch and time in the park, I had an assessment at a CFS clinic.

The short version is that they can’t currently help me, and that I have PTSD. Not really surprising considering my history, and the plague & early start made it all a bit much.

It’s settling in now. I agree with him, I did at the time, but the recommendations he’s going to make are a heavy burden.

I’m to get onto the waiting list for Trauma Therapy. Something that will, by definition, be traumatic.

I should be getting regular psychiatric appointments, outside of and separate to therapy. Conflicted slightly about this as I’d enjoyed the feeling of no longer requireing this. But I’ve known for a while that I currently need it, so I guess that’s a bonus.

And finally, he wants me to start taking lithium. I don’t want to, for a whole host of reasons, and my former psych who I’m about to be referred back to, knows this and knows my reasons.
He was successful in getting me to take carbamazapine. I’m still struggling with the side effects of that one several years after stopping it. It’s going to be one hell of a struggle to swallow that pill. Bad pun intended.

I’m not well enough to properly process all of this, and not sick enough to put it aside. I kinda want to curl up in someone’s arms and forget about it all right now. That’s not possible, so junk food and sweets it is.

Memories

It’s been 8 years since I picked up Crack. 7.5 since I had an alcoholic drink.

I feel like I *should* be celebrating. But I’m depressed.
It doesn’t help that I had a horrible, stressful and humiliating waste of time assessment by ATOS on Monday.

It’s been hard, I don’t know how I’ve done it at times, and I’ve been sorely tempted too many times.

But October has become associated with death of loved ones. It’s been a year since a dear friend passed away and 4 years since my grandmother passed. And I feel sad.