Challenge accepted

CW mild peril, anxiety

Today is brought to you by waking up with unspecified paranoia and anxiety. I hate it here, not the island, I dislike this hotel the food is gross and I’ve been sick for days. The only thing that doesn’t turn my stomach is breakfast. I’ve not made it to a restaurant because I’ve been too tired in the evenings so not eaten much. Thankfully if I feel hungry I can just think about eating from the buffet here and the wave of nausea will deal with that. Am hoping to make it out tonight for a, fingers crossed, nice meal. The staff do not care that I’ve been sick and even tried to imply that it’s somehow my fault, whilst claiming that of course they care and “I’m not saying your lying, but…” Hmmmmm riiiiight.
Went on a tourist trip yesterday so that I could get up the volcano. It was a horrendous tourist trap and I felt gross, and then when we got to the volcano park they told us we’d not be allowed out of the coach when up the volcano proper. I get it, you don’t want 100s or 1000s of tourists bumbling around blocking up a narrow road on a sheer slope, or going wandering off and getting hurt. It’s safer and quicker to keep everyone in the bus and just stop at a few select places. It was deeply disappointing though. You’re not allowed up the volcano road in a private vehicle, only the horrendous crouded viewing area that has the restaurant, shop, demonstrations etc. So it looks like I’m just going to have to try again to walk up a volcano…! To be clear, I have walked around the remnants of exploded volcano caldera, yesterday included. I want to go up an intact one, and near an active one too. I guess technically I have now been up the volcano, I just couldn’t touch it. Or get decent photos.
We came down to a mass of very sad looking camels, I sat and drew one of them that was watching me while others went for a ride. And when I saw another one, loaded with it’s 2 passengers, being repeatedly pulled by the handler to get up and it clearly not wanting to I shed a tear or two. The poor thing stood suddenly when another handler came towards them, it’s difficult to shed the suspicion that the second person is cruel to the animals hence the rapid obedience. I hope though that they just have a better bond. Either way, I couldnt watch any more.
The day was long, involved a lot of walking in blazing sun. Note, I didn’t see anyone else topping up suncream, doesn’t mean they weren’t I just didn’t see it. And I had a vile person sitting being me who was draining my battery. Doing all of it on just an apple and 4 pieces of melon too, I was exhausted. Did not go to the sea after because too tired. Went to chill in the jacuzzi instead. And got pissed off with myself for being goaded into making a wrong decision even though I knew it was wrong. Fuck you mother for teaching me that everything I think is wrong and teaching me to change what I say in the hopes that maybe this time I won’t get shouted at, humiliated or told I’m stupid. I was so angry at myself. And felt like a 5 year old again being laughed at for saying the wrong thing. After showering the day off and collapsing I finally had an appetite, I’d seen some food while out that didn’t turn my stomach but it was poison so I didn’t get any. But absolutely didn’t have the spoons to go out or figure out if I could get something delivered. So I just watched critical role and a bunch of other short stuff until I eventually passed out.

Until this morning, when I was rudely awoken by noise from above! And a horrible sense of dread. Luckily I had set today aside for r and r. So after a tentative breakfast, I did the first thing I could think of to comfort me. I made a list of things to do today that will help my brain! Then went for a swim. And yeah I needed that, spent such a long time in the water. I’ve progressed lots from my 1st day anxiety to happy flailing around in the waves on a yellow flag day. The water has been a little rougher each day and I’ve noticed the difference in how much more I need to move against it. But from having a AAAAAGH at the sensation of the waves lifting me while I had my face down, to now closing my eyes and just experiencing the movement. Not bad.

There is something I’ve noticed about myself, I don’t know if it’s a common thing but when I wake up overwhelmed by non localised anxiety I have a tenancy to push myself to do something I normally would not. It doesn’t always happen but it’s common enough that I’ve noticed it as a trait. And it makes sense, I can’t do anything about the feeling I woke up with because I can’t place where it’s coming from. But if I do this other challenging thing, that will bring up anxiety of its own and I can tackle that safely without breaking down and remain calm. Then I can regulate that system, using the self regulation from the tangible anxiety to settle the unspecified stuff. So it took me a minute to figure out when when I got to the beach why I had a stong urge to go in without swim shoes. Why the hell was I desperate to do a thing that makes me DEEPLY uncomfortable at at time when I’m already deeply unsettled and unhappy, then it clicked. So I took them off. It was not easy, I stood in the shallows for a while not liking that I couldn’t see the floor because so much sand was being dragged around in the waves. I remembered that I used to like the feeling of sand under my feet, until the other stuff started. But then I touched a rock, tried going a different way, but couldn’t see so stopped again. Eventually got out headed back up to get my shoes, stopped when I was almost to them. I couldn’t not do this, I had to do this, I could do this. I just had to get in further up the beach where there’s less likely to be rocks, and then just swim back across to them. And I did! And I spent such a long time in the water. The visibility was crap due to the increased water movement but not so bad I couldn’t see anything just had to go a bit deeper. I could feel my body resetting itself, and after a while I had to stop myself from happy flailing while laying on my back in case someone thought I was drowning! But I did do a lot of flailing, burning up those anxiety hormones and releasing a lot of pent up argh. And also danced and flopped around like no-one was watching, apparently the fish did not approve of my beautiful water dancing as I cleared the dance floor. I did lots of bursts of fast swimming against the current, enjoying the sensation and with the current too, closing my eyes and flying forward. Had to keep reminding myself not to exhaust myself, it’s not the safest place to run out of energy. And I did not want to get out but I was getting tired so reluctantly I exited. Had not realised how tired I was until I really struggled to swim against the backwash, had to wait for each forward wave and use the momentum to get toward the beach then just use what I had to keep position against the pull backwards. I laughed at the thought that this will be the point where I drown, so close to the edge. Then had to cough out the water I’d inhaled! Obviously I made it out, because I stayed calm and didn’t panic. I can see how someone might panic in that situation and I now have a data point regarding how much energy I can expend in a yellow flag sea and still be able to get out. Also, I did it all barefoot and fuck does my brain feel good about that.
My discomfort and dislike of this meh hotel are not gone but at least it’s not crushing me and making me want to run home crying. Because, fuck did I spend a lot of money, time, and spoons to get here. I am not going to let shitty hotel ruin it.

Dreams of you?

Here I am pretending to be okay while I have nightmares and intense decision paralysis thanks to a lack of sleep and strange environment. Certainly does not help I was woken up by somebody knocking on my door in the middle of the night, which set off a lot of discomfort. No idea who, I didn’t get out of bed to see. It’s was such a rough awakening after the bad dream that I did not go for a swim today. The fish remain unbothered.

It’s nice here, there’s a lot to see. Most of which I won’t get anywhere near because I don’t have enough time to rest and acclimatise. The hotel food is mediocre and not doing my IBS any favors. Doesn’t help that I’m regularly eating poison. And being tied to their food times is pissing me off. I have so many issues around food and being dependant on it. Not being able to just go eat when I’m naturally hungry is stressing me out. I thought having food sorted was going to make things easier. Oh well, lessons learned.

Also, still trying to find somewhere that does an actual good cappuccino… Don’t believe the reviews!

I need so much more time to unwind. Which also means so much more money! Who wants to fund me having a looooooong holiday? Will spam photos in return.

Riding waves

Well I made it on holiday!! Fantastic

Have been here a couple of days, and finally got some sleep last night. I’ve missed out on a stargazing party because I was too tired to hire a car and get there, barely sleeping for a week does not a safe driver make. And now the waxing moon is going to make viewing things difficult. I may still hire a care to get up the mountain but it’s already past best viewing time and I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. I’m fairly sure it would be just for the view, watching the sun set from the highest point on the island, that’s gotta be worth something! Of course I have huge anxiety around driving in places I’m not familiar with, and in the dark too. And now add to that being on the other side of the road than I’m used to, tiredness could maim me, or worse, kill others. So I definitely need more sleep before I do that!

I have booked a couple of excursions that just happen to take me close to Doctor Who filming locations (absolutely not accidental!) where I can take the Dalek and do some photos for it’s instagram. I may well venture out by bus to other sites that look good. And I’d like to swim all over the place.

On a dark note, prevalent in my mind is what happened the last time I took a sun and sea holiday. My life was turned upside down by that and 6 years later I’m still massively fucked up. I have to remember to breathe whenever that fear threatened to take over.

I’ve been down to the sea every morning. It’s been a little rougher each day and today I went in close to the rocks, where the waves are bigger. Not because I was trying to surf, I’ve never done that and they were not surf worthy waves. But because the rocks will be where there’s more fish and I was snorkeling, so I wanted to be where the fish are. The whole thing felt like a mataphore. A little bit of backtracking, after the 2nd bout of covid, or covid2.0, which returned to me the gift of asthma. Which is triggered by cold, so cold water swimming has been super challenging when it comes to breathing and I’ve lost the ability to do front crawl without panicking. It’s something I’m working on. But it’s also turned out that it’s affected snorkeling too and it has been a thing of relearning how to do it and not allowing the panic to take over. Actually doing pretty well, even when getting massive amounts of water up my nose and throat. Particularly when that happened. I went and bought a nose plug so I could use both arms to swim! So, I’ve been teaching my brain to be calm and that it’s okay to have my face down in the water. This last year has been wild in that respect, growing up a water baby and LOVING being under the water. I want that back, I’m a fucking selkie ffs, can’t be afraid of the water. Also, I’m a confident enough swimmer to know that I’ll probably be okay should I get caught in a current, as long as I stay calm. I’ve never had to deal with that and I totally understand the fear that could take over in a situation like that, the best thing is to stay calm and not waste energy fighting it. Being in the stronger waves, i was getting moved around a lot, when swimming with a wave the distance I could go was incredible with not much effort. And rembering to not fight it when I got dragged backwards, or sideways. And noticing that I was only maintaining equalibrium when just using my legs allowing me to stay in place against the movement of the water. Until the next big one in the other direction. I already know that my arms have overtaken my legs when it comes to swimming strength, except for frog legs but it was so obvious within the waves. The hardest thing though, was initially the chemical waves of anxiety pulsing through me with every big water wave, every time I got pushed or pulled around. My breathing tightening up. The panic at the lack of control. So again, teaching my brain that it’s okay. I’m as safe as I can be, that is to say it’s not a non dangerous situation. I’m in the sea, drowning as always a possibility. But it was the utter physical loss of control, or rather the perception of such. I wasn’t out of control, it just felt like it. And I know that I need to remain calm and just go with it to not only be safer but also just fucking enjoy it. That to be able to make the most of the thing I want to do, I need to relax and go with the flow. To know when to get out, to keep aware of potential dangers but not make that my entire existence. Just like life. I was floating there, learning to move with the water and take advantage of the boost it gave me while just allowing it to move me somewhere else other times, wanting to be able to do that with my life. Wanting to know how to relax and not fight all the time. How to just go with things and learn to recognise when life is offering me a boost to get somewhere I want to be. To just not be in panic mode ALL THE TIME. there has to be a way to do that. To unlearn the things that have put my brain into overdrive, causing hyper vigilance and an inability to not jump at every noise. To find a way to switch off, to say what I mean without fear, to not get overwhelmed by the simplest things. I expect I’ll get way more confident /relaxed in the water with repeated practice, and I can only do that because I have been more confident. I remember what that feels like. In fact being in the water is the only place I’ve ever felt really comfortable. I’ve never felt in control of my life though, and my flailing around isn’t getting me very far.

Can’t get over the feeling I should have saved money and not had a holiday. So many things could have been paid for/contributed to instead of this. And my brain is screaming at me for wasting money. Because it (I) do not prioritise my mental health or value truly having a break. If I’m going to drag around all this stress why not just carry on doing it at home?

In a slight aside, I have a meeting today with someone to discuss setting up a croudfunder for me to access gender affirming care privately. And the guilt around that is HUGE. loud in my mind are parents saying we’re not charity cases (whilst they also both were workshy lost people with less than zero money sense who were both super entitled and expected everything to be free. My financial education was wild!) that I should never ask for help. And showing through their actions that I had no value and did not deserve “hand outs” or a step up or support of any kind. It’s related in that the anxiety around both finances and my self worth are the same as those around this holiday. And the same damn anxiety that I carry around everything. I’d love to just NOT BE STRESSED.

This is the current battle. Can I force myself to relax and fucking enjoy my time here? And not do what always happens and just make a show of it without experiencing it. Is this stuff just wasted on me?

Boo(b)

cw: medical

I’ve never had a more disappointing “perfectly normal, nothing to worry about” until now. Aside from the way that “women’s” health is treated. With today’s comments that amount to, yeah it hurts, it will keep hurting for years, deal with it. That same old, you have a uterus and breasts, therfore you must experience pain, contstantly. And you must not complain, ever.
But I really wanted them to find something more than a cyst, which was my suspicion and confirmed. But they didn’t. So I have to continue to live with these… Things. Currently waiting for the exit appointment. Where they’ll probably just repeat, nothing wrong now go away. And we’ll do nothing to help, even though I KNOW there is something that would help. Several things actually, including a medication that would remove the constant pain. One that was taken away years ago for reasons that were never explained. So just another case of, it’s a woman’s problem, just have to deal with it.
Tomorrow, tomorrow is the scan where I WANT them to say ‘all good, no need for surgery’ but I’m scared they won’t. That I’ll gain another scar to add to the collection. And still not the ones I want.

A quick squeeze

I really need hugs. Not a quick squeeze and then back to pretending to be a functioning human. But sustained, curl into a ball and cry for an hour then zone out while being held.

Not gonna happen, no chance of it even if I tried.

Now I need hugs even more to cope with the sadness of not having access to hugs

Meanwhile I continue to Dory my way through life while I crumble inside, despirate for the bad to stop. Knowing that I can’t buy my way into feeling better but spending the money anyway. Adding the the stress.

And of course still not a fucking word from mental health services aside from them saying they’re going to close my complaint. Without resolving it.

Lumpy thoughts

CW: medical, mention of the big C, body disphoria, mention of surgery, extreme thoughts

Nothing for weeks then 2 posts in 1 day… What the hell?!

The doctor called, and asked me to come in. I actually left the house! relieved I’d managed to have a shower. Though in reality would likely not have contacted them otherwise on the off chance they asked me to come in.

Anyway, I found I breast lump. Not especially worried about it, it’s painful, no skin changes, no weight loss etc. So it’s probley an inflamed gland but best to get it checked. Being referred for a scan, I might as well move into the hospital at this rate. I’m wondering if I get to update with another win, left the house – tick. Made food… Hmmmm, I’m in a cafe having a not too healthy breakfast – interrobang? At least I’m Eating.

In reality I’m sad it’s not likely to be cancer, coz then there’d be a good chance to get the thing cut off. How fucked up is it that trans healthcare is so buggered that I dream of developing breast cancer so that I can “skip the line” for top surgery. It’s still going to be years before I even get an assessment at the service. How much longer can I wait? I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ll be updating my address to Ward – non yo business, The Hospital.

Big Wins

I had a shower. Might not seem like much to most, “oooh you had a shower, so what?” but when you’re a Spoonie, chronic depressive, disabled neurodivergant… it gets tricky. Add on to that struggling to manage without regular care because I can’t afford it (thanks cuts and council greed) it gets real hard. I’ve been struggling with depression, barely made it out of the house last week and haven’t left since Friday. Have not shown up for classes, paid events, running my game, non of it. Have not been able to deal with emails, cleaning, cooking or Persian care. I’ve spent a week in pissy, sweat stank pajamas. Not sleeping much, having nightmares and my jaw trying to lock up from the tension. I’ve been trying to push myself to go swimming or have a shower for about 2 weeks. I nearly made it swimming on Friday but the pool was closed for lessons which I discovered when I got there, so that plan collapsed, along with my motivation. So…. having a shower now is a big win. And now I have clean clothes on and even brushed my hair.

Another big win. I finally booked a holiday. I got help and a lot of guidance from a friend. Narrowed it down to a handful of options. A day or two later finally made a decision, at 3am because I was not sleeping. So why not make an expensive purchase. It cost a lot more than I had hoped, but am going full board which will ease self care pressure if my food is sorted. And it’s still cheaper than getting a PA to come with me. Immediately after booking it I had a panic attack and I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, too depressed to apreaciate it now, or be excited. It’s just another thing I have to deal with. But it counts as a win.

I’m hungry, I don’t have the motivation to change that. The joys of not having appropriate, affordable, care. It’s just going to bug me for hours until I finally get something together. Though I HAVE to spend spoons on dealing some emails. Frustratingly my social worker is impatient, despite knowing I’m struggling and having spent literally months not doing the thing. Is now threatening to go ahead and do something without my consultation. What that is i don’t fucking know, because I’ve not been able to check my emails in a week. So I need to deal with that, and try to get my laptop and disk reader to talk to each other, and try to do 1 coding lesson. And allegedly the doctor is going to call today. All of that is going to cost a lot. So it’ll be a small miracle if I sort out any food, but ya never know. Maybe there’ll another win before end of the day.

Ain’t no sunshine

I’ve been trying to book a holiday and failing. I’ve had to postpone due to poor health, lack of energy, getting overwhelmed by the process itself. all things that scream “I need a holiday” but are holding me back from booking one. 2 years ago I spent some time in Scotland which was lovely, now I need warmth and sunshine. I just want to be able to take a swim in the sea every day, have a float, let the pain ease off for a while.

But every time I try it just doesn’t happen. And I could go to a travel agent and get them to organise everything for me, though that would definitely increase the cost and I’m trying to keep that down.

However, no matter the cost, no matter the lack of spoons and organisational resources. The government and media love to spin a yarn about how people like me are scum, lazy, stupid, good for nothing, sit around all day watching tv smoking fags and day drinking. That we just need to sort ourselves out and stop being a bum, that we must contribute towards capitalism and be productive to be considered human and worthy. And once we’re working ourselves to death for their profit only then will we be allowed to have a holiday. Which most people have to use the tiny amount of holiday they get for everyday things like doctors appointments or household repairs. If you do manage to have an actual holiday you’re likely to crash, get sick, be too exhausted to appreciate it and only just start to relax by the end of it. But thats a tangent. My point being is I have internalised the bs that is touted, and repeated by too many people I know. I don’t deserve a holiday. I haven’t “earned” it. Nevermind that I barely get 1 holiday every few years. Unlike people who get 2 or 3 a year, probably 5 if your a politician, many of us just have to keep grinding and trying not to break any further. For years at a time. Despirately holding stuff together, slowly crumbling, being crushed by the ever present pressure to produce and consume. To be worth something. And you know what would alleviate the stress, make people calmer and more productive? A fucking holiday.

Implode, explode, shake it all about

CW. Medical. Dental. Anxiety. Mention of self harm, addiction alcohol and drugs. Mental health

It’s been a couple of years of increasing medical bullshit, absolutely exacerbated by government withdrawing funding from… everything meant to support public health, blaming it on covid. Following on from austerity measures and every other excuse they’ve used over the years to systematically destroy the NHS. Let the poor people dye out, kill off the disabled and mentally unwell. After all, we just need to not be poor/disabled/trans etc it’s as simple as that. We’re just not trying hard enough when we don’t all magically fall into line and pull a million pounds out of our arses. Which of course should get invested into their scams guaranteeing that they remain on top but they can at least say we tried. Unlike reality where they get richer by stealing and increasing wealth disparity, manipulating the press to ensure we know it’s our fault that it’s got nothing to do with thier greed, thieving or lying.
All of which has left a healthcare system in tatters as the government line their pockets while they privatise the NHS bit by bit, pushing ever closer to an Americanised system. Something that no doubt gives them massive hardons while they take their 15th holiday of the year in their 7th, absolutely unesscesary, house.

So, when the NHS GP is texting the day after bloods are taken asking you to make an appointment you know they’re worried. Particularly as it’s the second time in 2 weeks they’ve done that.
Thing is, they’ve treated me horrendously up till now, dismissed my pain, essentially told me to just not be [insert derogetory comment here] and sent me away. For months, no, years.

In the meantime I had gone somewhere else (a charity) and discussed a possible new medication for which kidney and liver function test were required. Had I not done that the gp would now not be urgently referring me to gastroenterology because the liver function is degrading. At least the gp didn’t strongly imply that I was lying about not drinking alcohol this time. Which they fucking did a month ago.

The call went along the lines of..

“These are the results of a heavy drinker”
“I don’t drink”
……. [conversion cut for brevity, it was essentially me saying the same thing over again]
“I was a heavy drinker” I said as they clearly were not believing me.
“Mmhmmm” I could almost hear them thinking Ha, I knew it, gotcha…
“but that was 15 years ago”
“oh. long pause it’s probably not from that then”
“yeah, probably not!”

When I went to the service who’d ordered the tests, not the gp who had decided to stick their nose in just so they could talk down to me about allegedly drinking too much. That doctor was good, immediately said there were many other potential causes, including one of my medications. Something that the gp would know but they chose violence that day. They, the good doc, immediately did a bunch of other tests and ordered a repeat of the kidney and liver function, the only one they could not do on site. And took the time to research an alternative medicine, which unsurprisingly the gp had zero interest in implementing. They’re still more concerned with blaming me and relinquishing themselves of any responsibility.

For years I’ve been asking for help with sugar addiction and ED. Everyone has completely ignored or dismissed my concern and requests for help. Even the recovery service dismiss it. If it’s not alcohol or “drugs” they don’t care. My inability to control it is NOT a matter of a lack of willpower. I’ve given up alcohol, crack, tobacco and vaping. Which are all hard to quit and I recognised I could not do it successfully without help. I’ve been battling with sugar for 15 years, and ED nearly my entire life. I can’t just quit food as much as id like to, then they’d lock me up in a psychiatric unit for self harming, though it’d be a way to get help. And sugar is SO FUCKING HARD to give up. Especially when it’s part of your ED which is triggered by poor mental health, which is triggered by lack of appropriate support, which is the result of “austerity measures” /covid /whatever BS the government wants to use as an excuse to cut funding to nessesary services.

All of which is obviously my fault, this is ALL self inflicted. Ignore the years of me begging for help. Ignore their complicity in this. Ignore the possibility of damages caused by all the medications doctors foist upon me without a single fuck given to resolving the issue instead of patching over the symptoms.
I’ve already lost a significant amount of eye focus due to antidepressants. And possible liver damage due to Proton pump inhibitors which I’ve been saying I want to stop taking for YEARS. The suspected gall stones, which have been dismissed as anxiety, indigestion and simply making it up, I have had to really push for months. And hey presto… Enlarged liver. Combined with the blood tests the doctor is worried enough to step in and ask me to make an appointment literally the day after being tested. But my absolute agony, my words, my testimony was never enough for them. EVERYONE has dismissed and denied my agony, I’ve even been threatened with a mental health section if I didn’t promise to behave. But it took a charity doing a routine check before issuing a new medication to actually get the attention required.

The government has completely destroyed the NHS, made it near impossible to get care. And that is fucking terrible, I will not get off my high horse about that. However that does not excuse Medical negligence, medical misogyny, discrimination and profiling. All of which are baked into the NHS, have always been there. The contempt with which anyone who doesn’t fit the cookie cutter expectation of a “healthy” person is treated. And the way that anyone with a history or even suspected history of mental health issues, substance dependancy, disability, criminal record or simply being poor and therefore unworthy of care. Because we all know poor people are entirely to blame for their circumstances. Throw in the racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, abelism and all the other bullshit things that are so ingrained in the teaching that doctors internalise it all. It’s no wonder I’ve been treated like shit, it’s no wonder that it’s taken months of pushing against the ‘just take Gaviscon 3 times a day’ to get to an actual investigation of the pain.

My medical issues have definitely increased over the last couple of years. Amplified by the lack of help available, being actively refused help over and over. Everything laid at my feet as though I was to blame for the condition of the country. And, no surprise to me the worse things get, the worse they are. Each new issue, each degradation, each problem compounds into an overwhelming cluster of mental fuckery.

For so long I have asked, even begged for help and keep getting turned down, blamed, rejected etc. Doctors now care more about ticking BMI boxes (and using that to refuse treatment or shame you) over all the hard work I’ve been doing. I’ve been desperately working and it’s taken a whole year to get myself back to where I was pre covid2.0, but do any doctors care about that? No. It doesn’t feel like it. It’s still one look at me and declare I’m not fit enough, thin enough, whatever enough. And despite me doing my absolute best to improve, to rectify damages, to survive, things continue to break and degrade. And all they see is me whining about not feeling good, they see a fat person who had clearly self inflicted the thing, imagined it, is attention seeking, fucking deserves it.

The worse things get – >The worse I feel – > The worse things get – > The worse I feel

And round and round we go.

No matter how much I try, how much I ask for help, how much I explain that all the things are impacting everything else and I have nothing left to give. Only to recieve a lecture on how my health is affected by my mental health (something I’ve JUST said to them was happening) with the implication being that I’m imagining or being overly sensitive to my symptoms.
Doesn’t matter that I, who disguises all but the most intense pain is describing how fucking intense the new pain is, where it is, how it feels and moves etc. But get utterly dismissed by everyone. And now, not one person will give even a hint of an apology for treating me like that. Instead they just change their thinly veiled accusations to those of lying about alcohol intake.

If I had received the help I asked for years ago things definitely would not be this bad now. And that is absolutely not my fault. I have done the best I could in a shitty situation, yet still get blamed for things that I’ve been trying to deal with, without help, for years. And I know it’s shit for everyone who doesn’t have the money to go private, but that’s not my fault.
I’ve had a real hard time, and a horrible shock of my body is fucked. Like, why am I doing all this hard work when it’s still just going to keep breaking and it’s feels like I’m never going to get the help needed. The fuck head tories are winning, people are literally dying because of them. And it’s all our fault for being poor.

I am so full of anger, at the world, at our government, at society in general, even at friends. And very much at myself.
Am trying not to fall into the trap of internalised self blame for all the health stuff, the way certain people have been laying it on me. Blaming me for being lazy scrounging benefit scum that sits around and does nothing all day. It’s like nobody sees all the hard work I have been doing, and fairly, a lot of people don’t. Even when it’s right in front of them. And it’s hard not to blame myself for everything, it’s often easier than being angry at others. That way brings fear, actually terror, of violence, humiation, rejection and a fear that they will prove my anxieties right. That I am just a dickhead who deserves to be in pain and misery all the time because I’ve never done a thing to deserve peace or happiness and a life without crippling anxiety.
In case you hadn’t guessed, I haven’t slept much the last few days because my anxiety is through the roof.
I yearn for the days when I can deal with day to day life and not have it overwhelm me, when I can handle surprises and unwanted news without it disabling me and triggering a fibro flare up.

In the last few months alone I’ve been diagnosed with, experiencing or suspect
Hiatus hernia
Enlarged and fatty liver possibly from medication
Gallstones, some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced
Chronic migraine, like 3 months of non stop migraine
Trigger finger (more a real nuisance than anything serious but almost the preverbial straw)
Rotator cuffs injuries, most likely caused by the Tourette’s
Ankle is still recovering from that fall 2 years ago
Root canal, and of course it didn’t go simply because… why not. may still need referring on to specialist, but hopefully not.
Post covid asthma, which is under control now though I had hoped it would bugger off.
Eyesight damaged by medication, no recovery there.
Incontinence not responding to physio
Ever degrading mental health

All on top of the ever present
Body dysphoria
Depression, cPTSD etc
Disordered eating which will definitely be aggravating whatever is happening with the gallbladder and liver, bringing on the guilt and self blame
The other ankle, and other joint injuries, thankfully my broken butt seems pretty much healed now
Fibromyalgia
Menopause
IBS
Sugar addiction and Hoarding.

And it feels like I might have forgotten something. It feels like so so much. And seeing it written down, bloody hell no wonder its overwhelming. I had a meltdown with the newest things of the kidneys, liver and gallbladder. Not new issues just new labels or potential labels. My body is so broken. I treated it soooooooo badly for years and it barely blinked. After I start looking after it things just break, over and over. Am I not trying hard enough? Is me asking for help with the things I can’t figure out on my own not enough? It’s not like I’ve gotten the help needed in some areas. Nobody gives a fuck about the sugar addiction. Though I am willing to bet a lot of money that doctors will turn around and blame me when I rock up with diabetes, completely ignoring the decade of me asking for help.

It’s deeply worrying that the doctors are so concerned about the liver that I’ve been given an urgent hospital referral. I got given an appointment the day I got referred. It’s next week, that’s quick. It’s difficult to know whether to be pleased that something is finally happening and it’s possible for things to actually move efficiently still within the NHS. Or be angry that my pain was dismissed for so long and had they taken me seriously 6+ months ago maybe things wouldn’t be so bad now. It’s hard to hold space for both feelings, but both are valid.

All of these things have been preventing me from updating here, I keep wanting to and just don’t have the capacity to do so.
My spoons have been going into me trying to do good things for me and my health. Self care is exhausting! Therapy triply so.

Right now I’m having some illicit food which may cause problems, because I will never be able to fully control that until I have developed more coping mechanisms that do not involve food. As sweet as they are, sometimes a apple just doesn’t cut it. Expecially when the brain is in self harm/destruct mode. And I need to decide if I go sing publicly tonight, the amount of people and noise may be too much, overstimulating. I don’t want to go home but am being booted out of the coffee shop…!

Bound to win

Hey, so, this started off as just a simple list of binder places that are good for bigger people stemming from a conversation on discord about how no amount of tape can keep me down! It was supposed to be a little list based on companies I have experience with and who do good (or bad) size inclusivity. It turned into a thing! Way too big to post as a discord comment!! So now everyone gets to see it. Wooo?!

Do remember this is my opinion based on my experiences, except where it states otherwise. I’d be interested to hear your experiences, maybe you have tried other styles by the same brand, or have different sensory requirements.

If you spot something glaringly obvious I missed I can update the post.

I am assuming you are experienced with binders but have added a couple of random tips at the end for newbies just in case.
A lot of sites offer to make custom items if you don’t fit their base size range. But I deeply disagree with this principle, especially as they usually charge extortionate amounts for the crime of not being thin. So I will not include that in any review, however if it’s a thing you’re okay with then do check directly if it’s offered.

I am “lucky” in that I often scrape in at the top end of the size range. However I’ve seen plenty places that don’t come anywhere near my size. I don’t remember the names of those lack lustre suppliers but if I stumble across them again I can update the list. And I have many friends who are completely excluded and simply cannot get a binder that fits off the rack. Punn not intended.

If you want comprehensive and varied reviews for specific brands or items there’s plenty out there both written and video. Remeber to bind safely, no pain no gain is NOT a good attitude when binding.

The TLDR is as follows

Best for comfort: GC2B
Best for functionality: binder.me (currently)
Best for inclusivity: GC2B/Spectrum Outfitters

Best for size options: Spectrum Outfitters

Who to avoid: binder.me and possibly Wonababi

GC2B

https://gc2b.io

Size options Okay
Functionality (how well it flattens) good
Comfort good
Website (inc customer service if contacted) very good
Origin UK/USA

I’ve bought 4 from here
One short tank which is no good for me so its only kept for summer emergencies.

The others are comfortable mid strength, full length tank tops.Though the rainbow one has stretched beyond function now due to lots of usage. The other one is hanging in there. My original purple one has been AWOL for 2 years, presumed lost in move. I miss it (cry face)Lovely range of colours, designs etc.Made in USA so postage could be prohibitive if you buy from that store, though I have linked the UK store.Website has a good range of bodies in their promotional pictures so you can actually see what it’s like on bigger bodies! It’s not all thin A cup persons and those who compress easily. Customer service were great and these make very good binders if you have sensory/skin issues from something like fibromyalgia. I get problems with allodynia that mean I often cant have anything touching my skin much less pressing down, these don’t usually trigger it. Though I still have plenty days when even the softest most comfortable binder is a no go, but that’s another issue. These binders all have a moderate level of “squish”, so unless you’re lucky it wont get you completely flat, but its a balance between comfort, not setting off sensory issues and functionality.In terms of colour options, size inclusivity and comfort I’d generally recommend. Unfortunately they still stop only one size above me, although there is a lot of range within each size. They are selling out of nearly all the fancy prints/colours so get in quick to see if they still have one in your size.  Postage is a possible limitation outside of USA or UK and I don’t think they do really strong binding options.

Binder.me

https://www.binderme.co.uk/en_GB/index

Size options Poor
Functionality Very Good (depending on style)
Comfort Good (depending on style)
Website Poor
Origin Poland

They have a UK website but make and ship from Poland. Which isn’t a big problem unless there’s an issue at which point it becomes a bit of a nightmare and they are SUPER unhelpful.

I have bought 3(4) binders from them in total. 2 full length zip swimming ones which I use once or twice a week. The second one is shorter than the first but was the same price which is just rude and I’ve had to repair poor stitching in the seams three times. These are currently my favourite binders as they work well. That 2nd one was an exchange for a standard zip front one. Which was badly made and unusable, thus why I swapped for another swim one. At great expense.

I also tried one of their tank tops. It was crap, shorter than pictured and actually gave a silhouette like a bra, the opposite of what I want.
Despite the swimming ones being my fave I will never buy from them again. Their quality dropped, customer service is crap, the UK website is not a UK distributor, payment options are difficult and risky. If you do a bank transfer you may have to pay enormous additional fees plus it’s not covered like a card payment would be. And they have a cut off at what is a disappointingly small size. I got their biggest one.
So it’s a shame but I’d say avoid unless you really want a zip up swimming binder.



Spectrum Outfitters
https://spectrumoutfitters.co.uk

Size options Very Good
Functionality Unknown
Comfort Unknown
Website Good
Origin UK

Cant say much about them as I’ve not ordered anything, though the pictures make it look like they’re effective. I would like to try one of theirs.

They’re UK based and feature a nice range of bodies in their pictures. And their size options are the best I’ve seen.

And, they take donations of unwanted binders to be distributed to charities.

Trans shop UK

Binders

Size options poor
Functionality Possibly good but honestly couldn’t tell you
Comfort Meh
Website Okay
Origin UK

Have limited options, keeping it basic. They sell Underworks brand binders from a UK base.
I bought an underworks ultimate full length. However due in part to rotator cuff issues, it’s impossible to get on/off without help. I live alone, so you can probably guess how well my attempts to wear it have gone. And because it’s a strong hold the fabric is not the most pleasant.
If you have help on hand and can cope with the sensory stuff of a stiffer fabric then it probably would be a good binder.
(NOTE: remember, scissors are an option if you need out quick)

Sizing options aren’t amazing, I got one size down from their biggest.
I don’t know what their other binders are like, I’d imagine easier to put on as they look like more stretchy material similar to the GC2B ones.
They also do a swimming one and post surgery compression top. But again can’t do personal recommendation on those.

Later on is an Underworks entry, via a friend, I wish I’d spoken to them before ordering my one.

WONABABI

https://www.nonbinarystyle.com/

Size options Poor
Functionality TBC
Comfort TBC
Website Awful
Origin China

A friend bought one from them and they prefer it out of the ones they have.
I have ordered one, am still waiting for it to arrive…!
Size range is slightly better in that I was not the top size but it’s still not great as there’s only one above mine. All the pictures i saw featured thin people, admittedly I did not check every binder available.
Their website has infuriating pop-ups that triggered every time I clicked onto a new page. Was on mobile so was super irritating. I’ve since checked the browser version, and they’re less annoying there especially with things blocked.
However they added me to their subscription thing, which I had deselected. Very naughty. Their response to that was “Hi darling”… ermmm WTF? Don’t call me darling. And to say we (they) have no right to do that, you can unsubscribe. Completely brushing past the fact that they DID do that, and I shouldn’t have to unsubscribe to something I already had deselected.
And they’re based in China, not the USA like I thought based on being charged in dollars, though a bit of digging around the website showed me that, which was easier to find on the pc

Ordered a “ultra flat” zip front. Hopefully it will be long enough and not shorter than pictured, a problem I’ve encountered before. This had better be a good binder but won’t be buying from them again.

UNDERWORKS

https://www.underworks.com

Size options Okay
Functionality Okay
Comfort Poor
Website Poor
Origin USA

Friend’s purchase, no direct experience with their website or customer service. Though I do have that one binder I cannot put on without help.
Website looks… Not great
This was friend’s review “stretchy mesh back, inflexible opaque front” they don’t like it much and as their highly elaborate review shows they’re brimming with enthusiasm and definitely recommend it. Okay, I’m being sarcastic. From their description I’d say they have a different style to mine.
Size options slightly better, there are 2 off the rack above what I’d get.
USA based so consider postage if outside there (or maybe order from Trans shop UK)

FYI. If you’re new to binding, a couple of random tips. Please do check out other sources online for a more comprehensive guide to safe binding.

If you have a larger cup size you’ll likely need a longline binder, depending partly on how high/low on your chest the breast sit and whether they’re big side to side or round. Any decent site will help with choosing a size and even do a free exchange if their recommendation turns out to be wrong. If you can get help with measuring yourself before buying do so. And remember that each company has their own sizing values so don’t assume that a 2XL in one place will be the same in another.

And, if you find that boobs just don’t stay put, try wearing a crop top under the binder to help hold stuff in place. It’ll reduce the amount of adjusting you need to do, which can be very dysphoric especially in public.

many binders are naturally prone to developing an “aroma” due to sweat build up. Some come with anti bacterial/microbial layers but these may not be sufficient. The smell can be reduced by regularly soaking them in vinegar before washing. I typically soak overnight, but have done just a few hours and it still helped.
There are other tricks for this (also great for other synthetic fabric that develops the same problem), i just happen to keep a lot of vinegar for cleaning so it’s the easiest for me.

I think that’s enough from me for now, this was meant to be a little list to share some information with buddies. My neurospicy ass went whole hog with it!