I’m okay.

Kinda, for now. I think. Thank you to those that got in touch. It helped me to get help. I’m processing things better cognitively, emotionally I’m not so sure about. Maybe I am, I certainly feel awful. Whether that’s because I’m actually dealing with stuff or its the same old bullshit wallowing I can’t tell. 

I spent a few days staying with friends, got some sleep, did loads of gardening and started to settle down. So I came home, to see if I could cope. Did not sleep the first night, took a pill to knock me out the next. Now its just the same tired old routine of shitty sleep and shittier dreams. I want to get out of here, really don’t feel like I can keep asking people if I can stay at theirs (despite assurances to the contrary) so am feeling trapped again. 

On the plus side there was a new boiler fitted today, at last. I’d have a bath of I could be bothered. I’d really like one. Maybe I’ll manage to do some dishes at least. 

Though right now all I can do is feel horribly rejected. I told (by text) a family member about my meltdown and asked if there was a family history of breast cancer as I had my appointment coming up. And later, with prompting and support from a friend, also asked the same family if they be able to come with me to the doctor for moral support. No response to either message. I hadn’t wanted to asked them to accompany me precisely because I didn’t want the possible rejection. But as I want to get past my issues with such things I sent the request. Had they at least said something, anything, I wouldn’t feel so fucked off and upset. And now I’m going to have to deal with the situation and that’s making me even more stressed. I wish I hadn’t asked. As it was I did the doctors appointment alone, looking after myself like I always have. Same old shit. 

Doctor thinks the lump is some sort of fibroma type thing, or something like that. Been referred for imaging to make sure. Probably won’t ask anyone to come with me as I cannot cope with another lot of non answers. I’m half not concerned and half fucking worried. My cousin just died from cancer (not breast) and I think someone in the family did die from it. Though I don’t know for sure which is why I asked. We’re it not for those things I wouldn’t be worried. I also upped the dose on my antidepressants, don’t know if it will help but it might.

We’re it also not for the fact that the family rallied around my cousin when they were sick but can’t even answer a fucking text for me… So. Many. Issues. Past traumas, current stresses and repeated let downs resulting in me looking after myself. I need and want to find people that I CAN turn to for help. Ain’t nothing I can do right now though, that would involve pushing myself way beyond my current capacity. 

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fake it till you make it…?

Is this really a viable option?

sometimes, I guess. Though I’m not sure its good for all situations. Its essentially what I’ve been doing for years, if not my whole life. /Though certainly with more conscious awareness in the last 10-15 years. But is this attitude not harmful? Even potentially dangerous? I know its gotten me into a few ‘scrapes’ in the past and could well do so again if things continue, as is. I get it, theres definitely benefits and a possible ego/confidence boost to putting oneself into the place one wants to be (or at least where you think you want to be) and just jumping in at the deep end. I’ve done things that I definitely wanted to do, but my motivations were misunderstood. Had I gone into the same situation, lets say my former career as a vehicle/plant mechanic, with a diferent motivation. Once that was clearer to me and more ‘honest’ then maybe things would have worked out very differently. Maybe I wouldnt have had a meltdown, maybe now I’d be running my own garage now, with my pink overalls and misogyny free atmosphere. Maybe not. But my underlying emotional state, driving me to do something I’d wanted to do for 15years or more, might have (almost certainly had) a huge effect on the way things played out. I did not have the skills nessescary, the self confidence or belief in my entitlement to be there, the ability to self care and manage stresses in a safe and healthy way. To say it all went horribly wrong, thats accurate.

With the right skillset though it might have worked out the way I imagined it would when I started on that path. So faking it did not work, and nearly killed me in the process. It conpletely wrecked what little confidence I had, and led to a path of recovery that is now in its 9th year. This in itself is no bad thing, but…. its been 8+ years of physical and emotional challenges beyond anything I ever envisoined for myself. And I had a pretty shitty upbringing!

Why am I rambling about this stuff? I kinda dont know. I have been increaslingly unsettled the last few weeks, struggling to care for myself, creeping further into self harm territory. All the time, trying to tell the world that somnething is very wrong. But my autonatic habit of not showing pain (weakness) not being able to communicate (not knowing how to access internal stuff) and being so pigheadedly stubborn about being seen as self sufficient (not asking for help) really has not been any fucking help in processing whatever IT is. Today I’ve been pushed over the edge.

The last few days Ive been fatigued, lightheaded & nauseus, my knees are week and I’m physically unstable. i can barely sleep, have been over eating and consuming foods that I shouldnt. been filling my time up so much that I dont have any real relaxation periods. spending money like its going out of fashion and withdrawing whilst keeping a facade of okayness and funcionality. basically most of the things that are absolute warning signs that shit is not okay. And today I slipped over into having serious RAM issues in my brain, a growing feeling of panic and strong paranoia. Which has forced me back into my house, because even though its not a safe space for me anymore, its still safer than outside. Especially when I start disassociating. This is breaking point, this is where things could get dangerous if I cant mend it very soon. I’m scared, and maybe I’m scared because I dont know what the fuck is happenening, or going to happen. I’m definitely scared that my career choice will implode, as it has done before, twice. I definitely dont like the unpredictable and fluctuating nature of whats to come. Maybe I’m an idiot and am just going to fuck it all up, again. Maybe I am not cut out to be a fucking human being. Maybe i’m just overthinking it all and creating anxiety about stuff that doesnt need to be. Maybe I”m not in control.

Before my hyatus writing stuff down used to help me process it, work out what the issue was and hopfully give me a starting point on where I could start with the healing. So I thought I’d give it a try again today. I hope it helps, but so far I’m not feeling any better. I may well take myself down to the crisis service as I dont feel safe around myself. If I can manage to leave the house that is. I genuionly dont knwo whats going on right now and its fucking terrifying.

wassup?

In answer, I dont know. Not specifics anyway.  Have had an insatiable hunger since getting back home a few days ago, triggered by exhaustion and lack of sleep. It now seems to be more than that, tied to emotional stuff that I havent identified. I’m fed up with not being able to sleep much, fed up with feeling crap and spoonless, fed up with eating all the fucking time. I’M NOT ACTUALLY HUNGRY. Getting stuck in a mini whirlpool of being sleep deprived, restless, in pain, depressed, angry and emotionally frayed which stops me from sleeping and makes me compulsively eat ALL the food and sweets. And getting wound up by all of this, disgusted and angry at myself for letting it happen and not fighting the compulsions and beating myself for not sleeping. Which leads me back into getting stressed, not being able to sleep and force feeding myself.

Its an old entrenched abusive coping method. Its also a classic screaming neon sign that theres some deep serious/nasty/terrifying emotional shit lurking just below my conscience. Shit that I dont want to deal with, that I would rather just fucked off and went away never to bother me again. Its making me extremely short tempered and sensitive to my surroundings. The clutter in my prison of a home is making me VERY stressed right now. At this moment I could really do with someone to cuddle up with and just …be… To cry or laugh or watch tv, or whatever. But that’s something I cannot think about so it gets pushed away as dwelling and making myself feel worse isnt going to help. So its just me and my head demons here

The boiler saga

Sounds like a really crap steampunk series!

Its actually just a really crap real life broken boiler… and a cheapskate landlord who wont pay for a new one.

Thankfully its summer so I don’t need heating. Cold water baths are not my thing though!!

sigh

In the End, it Does Matter.

Pondering Fandoms

If what follows helps someone, anyone, even a tiny bit then it’ll be worth it. ‘Cause in the end, it does matter. You matter.

Warning: mentions of past thoughts of suicide & Chester Bennington’s death

5689c6a5b2You almost never know how you will react when you learn about someone’s death. We like to think that we have a good idea, about whether we would cry or sob or just feel sad when we hear the news. Yet here I am wiping away tears, feeling like someone sucker punched me in the gut at work after hearing Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide this morning. Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park confirmed it on twitter as well as numerous trusted news sources.

Please understand, Linkin Park is a strange band for me. I tend to take it or leave it. I would never say I’m a fan. Sure I…

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Been away too long

I have wanted, so many times, to write. But I just haven’t been able to, for a variety of reasons.  I do on occasion manage to write something up in my head so I’m halfway there…! Generally though, things have been so dark, so overwhelming and so confusing that I could not work out how to express myself in words. I’d still try, occasionally.

I’m not going to say that i failed, even though that’s what it feels like, because I didn’t fail. it was simply a different time where my energies were focused on and demanded by other areas. A lot has changed of course, including myself. Family members and friends have died, other friends have increased their unit size and created their own families. I’ve had what has felt like endless medical appointments, examinations, tests, treatments, regimes, referrals, knock-backs, major surgery, help and a bit too many hindrances. Though I am now able to see that there will be an end to it all, probably not a quickly as I would like, but it is coming. And I am taking back as much control as I can!

For the last year or so, I have been reducing my painkillers, which I have been on 4+ x a day every day for around 6 years (making a royal mess of my innards in the process). As of next month I will be back to PRN for anything containing opiates, paracetamol, hypnotics, muscle relaxants etc!!! I’m keeping the pregabalin and sertraline as they are for now and will just use the brainkillers when I really need them. The fibro and fatigue are much better controlled these days, and my recent surgery might result in an easing of the pcos/endo symptoms I’ve been suffering with for the last 10+ years….I hope.

Without breaking confidentiality of my fellow groups members, there was much deep and dark discussion yesterday around assisted suicide, murder, neglect, abuse, and rape. It was a deeply powerful group, with subjects that could each have been delved into for a long time but with the time constraint we barely scraped the surfaces. This does however teach us to be more succinct, to get to the point, that hook, the thing that is terrorizing us. Get to the core, or as close to as possible at that moment in time, and stop dancing around the details, details that often serve as a distraction or diversion from that thing.

I have dedicated the last 2 years almost entirely to healing. Learning to self care, learning to manage time and energy, when to stop pushing and when to reach out. There’s still a long way to go, life is currently a living hell which I have nearly escaped once or twice. And wanted to leave more times than I can remember. And there is no ‘end’ to the process, this is going to be a life long mission to keep learning, making adjustments, listening to my body/mind and standing my ground when required. There’s no such thing as a happy ending. So we just need to make the most of what we have NOW.

Memories

It’s been 8 years since I picked up Crack. 7.5 since I had an alcoholic drink.

I feel like I *should* be celebrating. But I’m depressed.
It doesn’t help that I had a horrible, stressful and humiliating waste of time assessment by ATOS on Monday.

It’s been hard, I don’t know how I’ve done it at times, and I’ve been sorely tempted too many times.

But October has become associated with death of loved ones. It’s been a year since a dear friend passed away and 4 years since my grandmother passed. And I feel sad.