Please hold…

Your call is important to us, someone will be with as soon as possible.

Im working on a lot of things at the moment. A blog post i started 2 weeks ago, another blog post i started a week later, a letter, some emails, complaints against my consumer rights and a bunch of creative stuff. That last one is the most pleasurable and given that im currently in an environment where i can actually be creative its fookin great. But… im also in an environment where i can begin to do all those other things. So im doing them

*sarcasm* Yay go team Me…

I think im having a panic attack right now.

So i clarified the situatuin with the location for the specialist therapy, it’s actually somewhere accessible to me. They had offered me to start next week… NEXT WEEK!! Even if i didnt have plans that’s fucking short notice especially as its been silence between the assessment 3-4months ago until that offer. Iasked if its okay to start at a later date, worried that if i said no to beginning next week I’d lose my place.

Anyhoo, they’re fine with that, and with it being just 1 bus from me I just accepted it.

And now I’m something. …. actually really cant tell whays going on rignt now for me. Its been one hell of a few days and i was already super emotional. I had a telephone talky appointment booked, as I’m away being a geek I cant get in to see them. But they didnt call, and nobody answered when I called them. Odd, very odd. So now I’m very confused and flustered and FULL OF AAAAAAAAAAAGH FEELS

It’s my party and I’ll. ..

No, thats wrong. Its more along the lines of “Touch me again and I will fucking kill you” yeah I feel like crying but The Petrol Girls capture my feelings better with Touch Me Again. Besides, I cried yesterday. Thats probably me done for a while.

I have relocated to another city for the second half of my ‘holiday’ to attend another Dr Who convention. This one im doing on my own but as that’s my normal im not stressing. I am WAAAAAYYYYYY more stressed about visiting my father tomorrow.

This was my choice, my idea. I’m angry at the reportd ive had back from my sister about the state of the house and his behaviour, I intend to reclaim and get it cleaned up. If i can get him cleaned up in the process then, bonus. Ive not seen him since our brothers funeral, where his behaviour was just offensive, as usual. And he didnt come to the inquest so there was no chance to address things directly.

Its been a long time since i was in this city, since our grandmother’s funeral. 8 years ago, I left her house unsure if I would ever see it again. 8 years ago I walked away from my father indefinitely thanks to his appalling behaviour and the fact that once my grandmother had died there was no reason for me to come here anymore. Despite the time away, on the train in I still recognised the landmarks. My heart broke a little as we passed near her house, my stomach knotted up and chest constricted at the thought of going there tomorrow. Had i not been sat next to a chatty and lovely lady i would likely have become lost in the grief and actually cried. But as it was I was soon distracted and pulled away from my sombre reverie.

If what my sister has said is true, and I have zero reason to doubt her, then i am going to be angered and repulsed by the state of both our father and the house.

It is also 100% down to me to make any move on rebuilding any sort of relationship with him, however it goes he would never reach out to me first. Once again its left to the children to be the grownups. And i have chosen to accept that responsibility here, ive already contacted local authorities regarding care, just need to convince him to accept. And i plan to spend a lot more time here, which means getting the house cleaned up. And eventually signed over to me, if it isnt already supposed to be in my name, none of us ever saw a will so we don’t know. Its going to be so hard walking back into that house without her there. It has haunted me in nightmares ever since, in those 8 years so many dreams in that house, only 1 was she there too. In my dreams it’s usually full of horrendous people who dont belong there, such as my dead brother (who was not welcome there by her but moved in anyway at fathers ruling) or mother, who rarely even visited. Or complete strangers fucking around and doing bad things. But bigger than all that, is dealing with him in a way that wont harm me. I think ive done enough therapy now to manage that okay, but I have to stay calm and clinical. And not be manipulated into things I don’t want.

I have NO IDEA how its going to go. Thus far hes reacted well to my contact. I dont know if social services have been in touch yet. And i dont know how he’ll react to me, the ‘new’ me. The new me that is not much different really, more confident definitely. But that doesn’t feel like much of a different person right now while I am overwhelmed with memories and grief over the passing of one of my most beloved people and family members ever.

And now I’m crying.

Fuck i miss her so much. She hated my father at the end, told me things he doesn’t know that I know. Things that make me want to physically hurt him. But at least she got that stuff off her chest and died unburdened by it. If I could be with her again I would, id give up almost everything I have to be around het again. She was one of only 2 people in my childhood and family that never did anything malicious to hurt me. I dont know why i didnt get us out of home and take us to her, if id told her what was happening she’d have helped. But I could never tell.

Im an absolute mess right now. Going to finish up as it really hard to see through tears. I shall take a walk, and the medication intended to keep me calm(er) ai have already asked for emotional support tomorrow from a few people so im not leaning on one person. Wow, ive changed! Looking after myself and putting in safety measures and support. I guess confidence isnt the only difference.

Flounce to the Bounce

This is a confused and confusing time. The weekend just gone could have been A LOT better, but…. it could also have been soooo much worse. I was at a Dr Who thing, with a friend and seeing a bunch if other people who I only get to see at Dr Who things. People of my Who tribe! I was able to get an access ticket which meant I could bring a PA/carer/assistant. This was booked at the beginning of the year, many months before i knew that i would be doing this medication change, but damn I’m glad I did it because fucking hell i needed the help!!

Things likely would have been much more pleasant had my plans not turned to shit where my accommodation was concerned. It was so bad and dirty and noisy that i eventually changed. But while there i was increasingly more stressed, unrested and angry. I was uncomfortable, had to clean and disinfect EVERYTHING, felt like i needed to bleach and boil my own skin every time I touched things. I woke up with a load of bug bites, the place was decrepid, filthy and damp. The staff lying rude fucks who acted like i was being unreasonable for wanting a sanitary, safe and quiet place to sleep. …! So yeah, that made everything else harder to handle.

In comes my friend, who kept me calm, focused and safe over the weekend. Providing company, advice and guidance, managing stressful situations and providing a huge amount of pleasure in displaying her joy in things! 🙂 The massive grin on her face while feeding birds was an utter delight. The check-ins and questions what i needed to make decisions and ensure i was keeping myself safe. Our safe word essential and also providing a lot of amusement when my Tourette’s hijacked it

“CHICKEN FIGHT!!!”

Id also reached another drop down in dosage, now on one quarter of my original dose. About a week of this remains before reducing again to 1/8th for a month. I have had moments where ive felt okay and wondered why i was even taking antidepressants in the first place. Ive had times where i began to feel a hypermania reach out for me and loved it. I HAVE MISSED THE HYPER STATES SO VERY MUCH. And the tablets essentially kill them, all so i can not be suicidal and self harmy. Which obviously wasnt working hence the change. But im generally feeling okayish, yes im fucking stressed and angry all the time, i wouldn’t have coped at all with that accommodation without the support around me. And yeah im having flashes and impulses to kill/maim myself or others. The only disturbing bit about that is the impulses to hurt strangers. All the rest of it is there all the time anyway with or without medication and has been for almost as long as I can remember. Its just who i am, as much as I hate it, its me and its the familiar uncomfortable. The hypers I miss, they dont just feel Good, they give me energy and positivity, I had actually forgotten how it felt to have energy. Instead of constant draining pain and fatigue, to feel like i had reserves, to have the ability to think productively and BE productive. The only downside is the wanting to lash out and hurt others.

Ive been wondering if im going to take the new medication, the stuff that I fought so hard and long for. The stuff that might help reduce neuropathic pain, that will likely stop or at least reduce the urge to lash out, the stuff that will almost certainly stop me experiencing the pleasurable sides of my mental ‘illness’

Right now i am exhausted, as usual, and low on spoons. I had another unpleasant dream which set me up for an emotionally and physically painful day. I AM away from home and in a better place thats clean and comfortable. I have made contact with my father, who ive not seen or spoken to in years, and will be going to see in 2 days. Medication or no that was always going to be difficult, though I think ive done enough therapy to deal with it in a mostly reasonable way. I got a message from the rape and sexual abuse charity yesterday saying they finally have a space for me. YAY, I think. Although, its an hour and forty minutes travel each way, I was expecting it to be somewhere far more accessible for me. I am torn about taking the spot and committing to potentially years of all that travel for something that I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT. and yes I know im privileged to even have the opportunity, and privileged to want it to be easier to get to. But I dont live in the middle of nowhere, where it takes 2 hrs to get anywhere important. And I have huge amounts of stress and physical difficulty with that amount of travel. Oh how I miss the days when I could and would spend hours upon hours, day after day, miles after mile, walking or taking buses. I now have a system where I log my medication and painkillers consumption with a partner, and its working better than any other system that ive tried over the years. Speaking of which, ive forgotten to take painkillers several times jn the last couple of hours…brb.

I want my hypermania back. I want my energy back. It might even give me back any hope of finding a reason to keep tormenting myself. I dont care if I die, and sometimes I actively want it. I have made a lot of progress, made improvements to my coping strategies. Learned how to be more assertive and less fearful of consequences. I have not learned to deal with rejection and perceived rejection. Nor how to dissolve reactive emotions that come from things not going the way I wanted them. Feelings that stick and linger for a long time. Such as the disappointment i still feel at not being able to talk with my sister about important emotional issues. We’ve really only recently created a space where we could do that and I expected it to happen last time i saw her, but it didnt and I felt like shit, like a stupid needy idiot who exposed their vulnerabilities only to be left alone with the unreasonable mountain of crap i dragged along with me. Im so angry at myself, opening up and showing vulnerability, thinking that things would be different to any other time id taken a risk and been neglected. This is unfair on my sister as its My history My problems, and a more extreme reaction than it would be most other people because its family and remenisant of my whole life at home with the bitch. The proper and healthy thing to do would be to tell my sister whats happening in my head, the demons in my head keep screaming that she doesnt care or need me so why bother. Just like everything else, why bother? Why bother taking stupid medication that inhibits any joy in my life. Why bother spending vital energy reserves going back into therapy to talk about something that I know is going to make me want to seriously hurt myself and leave me drowning in painful memories and nightmares. Why bother clearing my house, chasing up my social worker, getting my housing transfer sorted, or really doing anything, if im just going to kill myself anyway. Why spend so much energy pretending I’m a functional person, or chasing medical and psych services to do their fucking jobs. Why. Why is anything. What is the fucking point.