Meh

I feel like shit. Periods are shit, especially when you haven’t had to deal with them for a while. Life is shit. The stress is endless. The few things that I’ve tried doing to make myself feel nice or comforted keep getting postponed or cancelled. Therapy is hard, families are shit. Too many people are dead. A very brief moment of positivity a few weeks ago has just emphasised how much needs to change still. And I don’t have the spoons to even consider the future without dispair.

I’m hanging in for a trip next week, get out of town for a couple of days. I’ve been trapped here for so long. And I’ve taken a risk and bought train tickets for Xmas. If anyone tries to stop me I may just stab them. I’ve sacrificed so much this year while others swan around going on holidays, taking trips, eating out, visiting multiple people, having parties and on. Giving little to no shits about others. While some of us are struggling to get basic needs met.

I’m done with the greed, selfishness and ignorance of people. I’m done with the government ripping this country apart and taking away hard fought for equalities, falling back on demonising the poor, disabled, sick, queer, trans, POC and whatever else they decide to pick on next. And if I thought it wasn’t possible to feel any worse about myself my disability benefit assessment has been sent, and I have only half the time I’m supposed to have because they dated it then waited a week before posting it. And of course its not available online so HAS to be filled in by hand, just one level of degrading shit forced upon disabled benifits applicants, and an obstacle that does not need to be there, it’s just there to make it harder for those that already struggle the most with a Goddamn paper form. We can’t have scum like me being able to use computer technology to help me read and fill in the form, that would be too much. Obviously I shouldn’t have chosen to be dislexic, I shouldn’t have chosen to have Tourette’s, I shouldn’t have chosen to have ptsd, I shouldn’t have chosen to develop long term illnesses, mental health problems, arthritis, Fibromyalgia, IBS, incontinence, carple tunnel, endometriosis or PCOS, I should just choose to be fit, healthy, wealthy and happy. Urgh. Just so done with the relentless messaging that I’m lazy worthless scum that has chosen a life of misery and that all I need to do is just decide to not be that.

I have zero patience remaining. Zero spoons. Zero shits left to give. The idea of fully retreating is pervasive now. Anxiety is so high again that the paranoia is back. The things I’m doing to keep myself sane are keeping me hanging on by a very thin tenuous thread. Who’d notice another number to the statistics.

Pan-WHAT??

CW discussion of sex, sexuality, sex aids, homophobia and more. And a few swears.

I have been thinking of writing a lot of different things lately but have been too busy or spoon-less, but I will get around to at least some of it, at some point…! Went to a social thing today, don’t worry it was outdoors and reasonably spaced. I went in feeling a bit overwhelmed by people, just one of those days. I left wanting to punch some learning into two of them.

It was okay in the middle. Had some okay chats and came up with a joint proposal for them to run a jam/music class come the spring. Which was provisionally accepted immediately!! WOOO. But….

But. After hearing 90 minutes of political ignorance and racism dressed up as nationalistic superiority and “well that’s just the truth” bullshit, on one side of me, I was getting real wound up. I decided it was definitely time to leave. Didn’t want to leave the venue, I had planned on staying past the time of the social group and spending some time alone in the beautiful garden. But I was suffering and could no longer make decisions/think things through so I just cut short my excursion and booked a cab home. Even though technically they’d be packing up in a few minutes, it did seem like a lot of people were going to hang on too, and I was getting so fed up.

As I was packing my stuff up I overheard a conversation on the next table… “pansexuals will even go over into necrophilia” “oh yeah, and pansexuals will also have sex with objects”

I actually didn’t hear whatever was said next because I was shouting THATS BULLSHIT

This is the kind of stunning and wilful ignorance that gets people hurt. I mean, I nearly hurt them I felt like punching the ignorance out of them. But usually it ends up with the queer person being bullied, or beaten up, even killed, it is used to justify shitty laws, rampant discrimination, abuse and yes, murder. And it’s just so fucking lazy and STUPID.

Had I not been wound up by the politics talk on the other side I may have chosen to educate the panphobics, but shouting BULLSHIT was all I could manage. I was fuming.

So. Let’s just address the 2 examples they used… I’m just going to dip into this, it’s not going to be a deep nuanced dive into the subject (sorry) Necrophilia and sex with objects (including but not limiting to a long list of paraphilias) these are potentially very specific attractions to often taboo or “unusual” things. They are not human genders… Unless you count Dead as a gender.

Being pansexual does not mean that you’re literally going to fuck everyone and everything (something that is trotted out regularly when Bi, Pan, Gay and more is being “discussed”) It does not make you a paedophile. It does not make you sexually attracted to cars. It does not make you a necrophile. Of course someone could be both a pansexual AND a necrophile. Just like they could be pansexual and prefer to wear trousers… It means nothing and has little to no connection to their sexuality, unless you look into coding and uniforms but that’s something else and is not inherant. It does not mean that pan people have a greater propensity to stray into necrophilia. Being attracted to multiple/all genders DOES NOT INHERENTLY MAKE YOU ATTRACTED TO/AROUNSED BY DEAD BODIES so fuck off with that bullshit. I remember the crap that used to be constantly spouted about gay men when I was a kid and it was REDICULOUS. Even as a child it was unbelievable, doubly so that grown ups were believing it, eating it up, relaying it with glee and confidence. People were so willing to believe and repeat such utter nonsense that had they taken even the smallest amount of effort to examine and question they would have been able to see they were being horrifically misled, and bigoted. It’s like that old Eddie Izzard bit about people assuming that a transvestite applying to work as a librarian would want to have sex with the books*… It’s just so stupid. Or the stuff back in the 80s about gay men**, and now about trans people, being pedophiles… Like WTF? That’s not just stupid it’s dangerous. I say again, for the vast majority of people dead is not a gender! And BEING PANSEXUAL DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HYPERSEXUAL WHO CANNOT CONTROL BEING SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE, EVEN IF THEY’RE DEAD. FFS

Moving on to the other example they vomited out… Sex with objects. Just imagine me face-palming and then hitting my head against the desk over and over. For starters, what the ever loving fuck do they mean by sex with objects? Are they talking about sexual attraction To objects? Or the use of objects to enhance enjoyment or achieve an orgasm? Or are they talking about the often nesscesary equipment used by people with disabilities or injuries? Stuff that is required for them to be able to have sex! And yes, disabled people have sex too. Shocking I know. And I’m back to bashing my head against the desk. So for example, nearly every heterosexual person, including the cis gendered, that I know has used a sex toy of some description at some point in their life (whether they openly discuss it or not) Does that mean that they have a paraphilia? NO! Maybe, in some instances they might have a sexual attraction to a specific item, say a dildo. But this does not mean that “all straight people have sex with objects” nor does it mean that those that do are now no longer hetero but pansexual because, you know, pansexuals have sex with objects therefore all people who use objects during sex are now reclassified as pansexual. Being pansexual does not mean that you will literally fuck anything. It does not make you aroused by lampshades. It does not mean you’re going to find yourself irresistibly and inexplicably turned on by the gear stick on your best friends car. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU ATTRACTED TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT HUMAN. Again, yes someone might be both pansexual and have a paraphilia. Does that make ALL pansexuals paraphiliacs? Of course not! Does it mean that everyone with a paraphilia is pansexual? I’m not even going to grace that with an answer. Does it mean that everyone who uses tools to aid them with sexual activities is pan? Does it make EVERYONE who has EVER used a sex toy pansexual or pan-curious?? OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOESN’T BECAUSE, IN GENERAL, AN OBJECT IS NOT A GENDER. FFS

I am all too shouty to really make a balanced coherent piece on the subjects of sexuality, sexual attraction, gender, object attraction, bigotry, hate speech and ignorance. I just needed to have a rant about the bizarre things commonly associated with anything on the gender and sexuality spectrums that falls outside of cis hetero. Because we all know that ALL cis hetero people are perfectly normal, respectable, honourable, kind and caring people that would never do anything as weird as use a vibrator… BAAAH HAAAAA HAAAAAAAA *falls over gasping*

*generalisation, I’ve not watched that one in a few years.

** in the UK. Though things have improved here there’s still a lot of bad attitudes and laws all over the world, with too many countries going backwards and making it more dangerous for non heterosexual cis people.

Get me a skewer

CW: Drug reference/use. I keep getting a melancholy crappy feeling. I’m experiencing loneliness in a way I haven’t for a long time. And sensations that remind me of a decade or two past. I wonder if those sensations are because I’m feeling lonely and they’re what I predominantly felt when I was also lonely. Or if there’s something triggering those old feelings and that’s what is making me feel lonely.

There’s a higher chance of it being loneliness first given that corona virus has meant I’ve spent most of this year alone and I just want to curl up on a sofa with someone next to me and watch TV together and talk shit. I’ve been watching a lot of comfort TV, I’d like to watch some more new stuff but I can’t get my head into it lately. When I think about it I get an urge to share that with someone. Yeah there’s some work around options, voip and screensharing being the easiest, but less satisfying. The last couple of weeks have been challenging in a way I’ve not had to manage in a while, getting my first period in 2.5years reminded me just how horrific they are, and how much they mess me up, my immune system, my moods, the exhaustion, the pain. And another week to recover from it, now ill and wrecked. I had a brief moment where I regretted having the hormone coil taken out but I still need to confirm if it was that harming my mental health. Which is generally just shit. The psychiatrist I thought was good is just a lying piece of shit like all the others, the mental health nurse(s) are all mouth and no trousers and the gp… Well. The charities I’m relying upon are a mixed bag, Mind, the mental health charity, are dreadful overall. And there’s all the family stuff that I don’t want to go into now because for the first time in ages I’m not pining on it.

But I am wistful. For a past time when things seemed easier? But they weren’t. For a time when I thought I could easily have friends around me? Quite likely. For the desire to have a companion/family? Maybe, though those feelings came a lot from loniliness and self hate (so that’s not a good sign) Or for a time when my body didn’t ache and hurt with every movement, when it was full of energy and resilient to everything? Definitely. I want to get out of here. I want to just, go. I’d like to just start walking and see where I end up. Not very far is the answer to that, not with my joints and the rain and chill.

So I sit here, recovering from menstruation and a cold. Making myself rest, feeling all the feels and trying to push them out of my mind so I can have a little peace for a few hours. But it just brings on that wistful feeling and I start the cycle of wishing someone else was here with me.

Fuck this year. Fuck it in the ear with a skewer. Next week would have been my 12 year cleanaversary but after my lapse last year and the crack dreams I don’t feel like celebrating a broken record. And I don’t want to start again from year 1. It also means that the anniversary of my grandmother’s death is the week after. I haven’t even begun to process the other grandmother who died a couple of months ago. Just fuck this year.