CW mild peril, anxiety
Today is brought to you by waking up with unspecified paranoia and anxiety. I hate it here, not the island, I dislike this hotel the food is gross and I’ve been sick for days. The only thing that doesn’t turn my stomach is breakfast. I’ve not made it to a restaurant because I’ve been too tired in the evenings so not eaten much. Thankfully if I feel hungry I can just think about eating from the buffet here and the wave of nausea will deal with that. Am hoping to make it out tonight for a, fingers crossed, nice meal. The staff do not care that I’ve been sick and even tried to imply that it’s somehow my fault, whilst claiming that of course they care and “I’m not saying your lying, but…” Hmmmmm riiiiight.
Went on a tourist trip yesterday so that I could get up the volcano. It was a horrendous tourist trap and I felt gross, and then when we got to the volcano park they told us we’d not be allowed out of the coach when up the volcano proper. I get it, you don’t want 100s or 1000s of tourists bumbling around blocking up a narrow road on a sheer slope, or going wandering off and getting hurt. It’s safer and quicker to keep everyone in the bus and just stop at a few select places. It was deeply disappointing though. You’re not allowed up the volcano road in a private vehicle, only the horrendous crouded viewing area that has the restaurant, shop, demonstrations etc. So it looks like I’m just going to have to try again to walk up a volcano…! To be clear, I have walked around the remnants of exploded volcano caldera, yesterday included. I want to go up an intact one, and near an active one too. I guess technically I have now been up the volcano, I just couldn’t touch it. Or get decent photos.
We came down to a mass of very sad looking camels, I sat and drew one of them that was watching me while others went for a ride. And when I saw another one, loaded with it’s 2 passengers, being repeatedly pulled by the handler to get up and it clearly not wanting to I shed a tear or two. The poor thing stood suddenly when another handler came towards them, it’s difficult to shed the suspicion that the second person is cruel to the animals hence the rapid obedience. I hope though that they just have a better bond. Either way, I couldnt watch any more.
The day was long, involved a lot of walking in blazing sun. Note, I didn’t see anyone else topping up suncream, doesn’t mean they weren’t I just didn’t see it. And I had a vile person sitting being me who was draining my battery. Doing all of it on just an apple and 4 pieces of melon too, I was exhausted. Did not go to the sea after because too tired. Went to chill in the jacuzzi instead. And got pissed off with myself for being goaded into making a wrong decision even though I knew it was wrong. Fuck you mother for teaching me that everything I think is wrong and teaching me to change what I say in the hopes that maybe this time I won’t get shouted at, humiliated or told I’m stupid. I was so angry at myself. And felt like a 5 year old again being laughed at for saying the wrong thing. After showering the day off and collapsing I finally had an appetite, I’d seen some food while out that didn’t turn my stomach but it was poison so I didn’t get any. But absolutely didn’t have the spoons to go out or figure out if I could get something delivered. So I just watched critical role and a bunch of other short stuff until I eventually passed out.
Until this morning, when I was rudely awoken by noise from above! And a horrible sense of dread. Luckily I had set today aside for r and r. So after a tentative breakfast, I did the first thing I could think of to comfort me. I made a list of things to do today that will help my brain! Then went for a swim. And yeah I needed that, spent such a long time in the water. I’ve progressed lots from my 1st day anxiety to happy flailing around in the waves on a yellow flag day. The water has been a little rougher each day and I’ve noticed the difference in how much more I need to move against it. But from having a AAAAAGH at the sensation of the waves lifting me while I had my face down, to now closing my eyes and just experiencing the movement. Not bad.
There is something I’ve noticed about myself, I don’t know if it’s a common thing but when I wake up overwhelmed by non localised anxiety I have a tenancy to push myself to do something I normally would not. It doesn’t always happen but it’s common enough that I’ve noticed it as a trait. And it makes sense, I can’t do anything about the feeling I woke up with because I can’t place where it’s coming from. But if I do this other challenging thing, that will bring up anxiety of its own and I can tackle that safely without breaking down and remain calm. Then I can regulate that system, using the self regulation from the tangible anxiety to settle the unspecified stuff. So it took me a minute to figure out when when I got to the beach why I had a stong urge to go in without swim shoes. Why the hell was I desperate to do a thing that makes me DEEPLY uncomfortable at at time when I’m already deeply unsettled and unhappy, then it clicked. So I took them off. It was not easy, I stood in the shallows for a while not liking that I couldn’t see the floor because so much sand was being dragged around in the waves. I remembered that I used to like the feeling of sand under my feet, until the other stuff started. But then I touched a rock, tried going a different way, but couldn’t see so stopped again. Eventually got out headed back up to get my shoes, stopped when I was almost to them. I couldn’t not do this, I had to do this, I could do this. I just had to get in further up the beach where there’s less likely to be rocks, and then just swim back across to them. And I did! And I spent such a long time in the water. The visibility was crap due to the increased water movement but not so bad I couldn’t see anything just had to go a bit deeper. I could feel my body resetting itself, and after a while I had to stop myself from happy flailing while laying on my back in case someone thought I was drowning! But I did do a lot of flailing, burning up those anxiety hormones and releasing a lot of pent up argh. And also danced and flopped around like no-one was watching, apparently the fish did not approve of my beautiful water dancing as I cleared the dance floor. I did lots of bursts of fast swimming against the current, enjoying the sensation and with the current too, closing my eyes and flying forward. Had to keep reminding myself not to exhaust myself, it’s not the safest place to run out of energy. And I did not want to get out but I was getting tired so reluctantly I exited. Had not realised how tired I was until I really struggled to swim against the backwash, had to wait for each forward wave and use the momentum to get toward the beach then just use what I had to keep position against the pull backwards. I laughed at the thought that this will be the point where I drown, so close to the edge. Then had to cough out the water I’d inhaled! Obviously I made it out, because I stayed calm and didn’t panic. I can see how someone might panic in that situation and I now have a data point regarding how much energy I can expend in a yellow flag sea and still be able to get out. Also, I did it all barefoot and fuck does my brain feel good about that.
My discomfort and dislike of this meh hotel are not gone but at least it’s not crushing me and making me want to run home crying. Because, fuck did I spend a lot of money, time, and spoons to get here. I am not going to let shitty hotel ruin it.
The Bouncing Spoon 