Well I made it on holiday!! Fantastic
Have been here a couple of days, and finally got some sleep last night. I’ve missed out on a stargazing party because I was too tired to hire a car and get there, barely sleeping for a week does not a safe driver make. And now the waxing moon is going to make viewing things difficult. I may still hire a care to get up the mountain but it’s already past best viewing time and I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. I’m fairly sure it would be just for the view, watching the sun set from the highest point on the island, that’s gotta be worth something! Of course I have huge anxiety around driving in places I’m not familiar with, and in the dark too. And now add to that being on the other side of the road than I’m used to, tiredness could maim me, or worse, kill others. So I definitely need more sleep before I do that!
I have booked a couple of excursions that just happen to take me close to Doctor Who filming locations (absolutely not accidental!) where I can take the Dalek and do some photos for it’s instagram. I may well venture out by bus to other sites that look good. And I’d like to swim all over the place.
On a dark note, prevalent in my mind is what happened the last time I took a sun and sea holiday. My life was turned upside down by that and 6 years later I’m still massively fucked up. I have to remember to breathe whenever that fear threatened to take over.
I’ve been down to the sea every morning. It’s been a little rougher each day and today I went in close to the rocks, where the waves are bigger. Not because I was trying to surf, I’ve never done that and they were not surf worthy waves. But because the rocks will be where there’s more fish and I was snorkeling, so I wanted to be where the fish are. The whole thing felt like a mataphore. A little bit of backtracking, after the 2nd bout of covid, or covid2.0, which returned to me the gift of asthma. Which is triggered by cold, so cold water swimming has been super challenging when it comes to breathing and I’ve lost the ability to do front crawl without panicking. It’s something I’m working on. But it’s also turned out that it’s affected snorkeling too and it has been a thing of relearning how to do it and not allowing the panic to take over. Actually doing pretty well, even when getting massive amounts of water up my nose and throat. Particularly when that happened. I went and bought a nose plug so I could use both arms to swim! So, I’ve been teaching my brain to be calm and that it’s okay to have my face down in the water. This last year has been wild in that respect, growing up a water baby and LOVING being under the water. I want that back, I’m a fucking selkie ffs, can’t be afraid of the water. Also, I’m a confident enough swimmer to know that I’ll probably be okay should I get caught in a current, as long as I stay calm. I’ve never had to deal with that and I totally understand the fear that could take over in a situation like that, the best thing is to stay calm and not waste energy fighting it. Being in the stronger waves, i was getting moved around a lot, when swimming with a wave the distance I could go was incredible with not much effort. And rembering to not fight it when I got dragged backwards, or sideways. And noticing that I was only maintaining equalibrium when just using my legs allowing me to stay in place against the movement of the water. Until the next big one in the other direction. I already know that my arms have overtaken my legs when it comes to swimming strength, except for frog legs but it was so obvious within the waves. The hardest thing though, was initially the chemical waves of anxiety pulsing through me with every big water wave, every time I got pushed or pulled around. My breathing tightening up. The panic at the lack of control. So again, teaching my brain that it’s okay. I’m as safe as I can be, that is to say it’s not a non dangerous situation. I’m in the sea, drowning as always a possibility. But it was the utter physical loss of control, or rather the perception of such. I wasn’t out of control, it just felt like it. And I know that I need to remain calm and just go with it to not only be safer but also just fucking enjoy it. That to be able to make the most of the thing I want to do, I need to relax and go with the flow. To know when to get out, to keep aware of potential dangers but not make that my entire existence. Just like life. I was floating there, learning to move with the water and take advantage of the boost it gave me while just allowing it to move me somewhere else other times, wanting to be able to do that with my life. Wanting to know how to relax and not fight all the time. How to just go with things and learn to recognise when life is offering me a boost to get somewhere I want to be. To just not be in panic mode ALL THE TIME. there has to be a way to do that. To unlearn the things that have put my brain into overdrive, causing hyper vigilance and an inability to not jump at every noise. To find a way to switch off, to say what I mean without fear, to not get overwhelmed by the simplest things. I expect I’ll get way more confident /relaxed in the water with repeated practice, and I can only do that because I have been more confident. I remember what that feels like. In fact being in the water is the only place I’ve ever felt really comfortable. I’ve never felt in control of my life though, and my flailing around isn’t getting me very far.
Can’t get over the feeling I should have saved money and not had a holiday. So many things could have been paid for/contributed to instead of this. And my brain is screaming at me for wasting money. Because it (I) do not prioritise my mental health or value truly having a break. If I’m going to drag around all this stress why not just carry on doing it at home?
In a slight aside, I have a meeting today with someone to discuss setting up a croudfunder for me to access gender affirming care privately. And the guilt around that is HUGE. loud in my mind are parents saying we’re not charity cases (whilst they also both were workshy lost people with less than zero money sense who were both super entitled and expected everything to be free. My financial education was wild!) that I should never ask for help. And showing through their actions that I had no value and did not deserve “hand outs” or a step up or support of any kind. It’s related in that the anxiety around both finances and my self worth are the same as those around this holiday. And the same damn anxiety that I carry around everything. I’d love to just NOT BE STRESSED.
This is the current battle. Can I force myself to relax and fucking enjoy my time here? And not do what always happens and just make a show of it without experiencing it. Is this stuff just wasted on me?
The Bouncing Spoon 