Meh

I feel like shit. Periods are shit, especially when you haven’t had to deal with them for a while. Life is shit. The stress is endless. The few things that I’ve tried doing to make myself feel nice or comforted keep getting postponed or cancelled. Therapy is hard, families are shit. Too many people are dead. A very brief moment of positivity a few weeks ago has just emphasised how much needs to change still. And I don’t have the spoons to even consider the future without dispair.

I’m hanging in for a trip next week, get out of town for a couple of days. I’ve been trapped here for so long. And I’ve taken a risk and bought train tickets for Xmas. If anyone tries to stop me I may just stab them. I’ve sacrificed so much this year while others swan around going on holidays, taking trips, eating out, visiting multiple people, having parties and on. Giving little to no shits about others. While some of us are struggling to get basic needs met.

I’m done with the greed, selfishness and ignorance of people. I’m done with the government ripping this country apart and taking away hard fought for equalities, falling back on demonising the poor, disabled, sick, queer, trans, POC and whatever else they decide to pick on next. And if I thought it wasn’t possible to feel any worse about myself my disability benefit assessment has been sent, and I have only half the time I’m supposed to have because they dated it then waited a week before posting it. And of course its not available online so HAS to be filled in by hand, just one level of degrading shit forced upon disabled benifits applicants, and an obstacle that does not need to be there, it’s just there to make it harder for those that already struggle the most with a Goddamn paper form. We can’t have scum like me being able to use computer technology to help me read and fill in the form, that would be too much. Obviously I shouldn’t have chosen to be dislexic, I shouldn’t have chosen to have Tourette’s, I shouldn’t have chosen to have ptsd, I shouldn’t have chosen to develop long term illnesses, mental health problems, arthritis, Fibromyalgia, IBS, incontinence, carple tunnel, endometriosis or PCOS, I should just choose to be fit, healthy, wealthy and happy. Urgh. Just so done with the relentless messaging that I’m lazy worthless scum that has chosen a life of misery and that all I need to do is just decide to not be that.

I have zero patience remaining. Zero spoons. Zero shits left to give. The idea of fully retreating is pervasive now. Anxiety is so high again that the paranoia is back. The things I’m doing to keep myself sane are keeping me hanging on by a very thin tenuous thread. Who’d notice another number to the statistics.