Worth it

Am in a lot of pain and very stiff, would absolutely love a massage and several hours in a hot tub. I wonder how long it’s going to be before I get either of those. For now, it was worth it. Someone came round a couple of days ago and helped me sort through a load of stuff. Shifting heavy boxes, getting the old chair out of the house. I didn’t get rid of much sadly but we did tidy away lots of things. And now I can reach other stuff. I intend to slowly keep going over things periodically and putting stuff into charity donations. I don’t want this much stuff clogging up my life. For the moment A LOT more of the floor is clear! Which is great.

Of course there’s still a lot to do and there’s a load of things for me to sort, or repair or finish or sell etc but… I now have some space back in the front room. Space to do things. Space to breathe. And it’s thanks to help from a friend.

Another friend brought me lunch yesterday. A yummy salmon pasta thing. We’ve started meeting once a week in the park. It gets us both out of the house, gives her a break away from work and the laptop for an hour and gives me a real life in the flesh person to talk to once a week. And it was much needed after my counselling session where I went through in detail what happened in Egypt, which was really upsetting and has left me feeling unsettled and unsafe. I hope it will have been worth it though, right now I don’t feel good. If only I could get my bike out of the house I could go meet that friend, and others, but then I’d struggle to get the bike back inside. It’s a goal though. Especially as I fucking hate using buses now. I still wouldn’t be able to cycle up hills and would need to be careful of medication use and side effects. But fuck me I miss cycling places. I miss a lot of things.

I was genuinely considering getting help to get the bike down from the balcony, getting it fixed and cycling the fuck out of town with a sleeping bag and tarp. It would be rough, I don’t do well on the ground am super unfit and can’t manage hills well. But it would get me away from here without risking public transport. Its a terrible idea, particularly with the weather on the turn, but I’m not putting it down yet. I mean, considering I am messed up and barely able to move from one day of tidying I am, I doubt I’d last long. But the romance of the idea is nice.

If I could get a massage without a long time on buses it’d be worth it. Unless we get shut down again I’ll be travelling to a friend’s for Christmas (I know, I already have plans for Christmas, shocking) it’ll be worth it. I start singing lessons tomorrow, will have to spend a lot of spoons on walking and then book taxis to avoid buses and hope they turn up (thanks crappy taxicard) and its going to be massively anxiety provoking going back to a big place with lots of people. I hope it’ll be worth it though. They have made lots of changes, there’s no socialising or communal areas now. Classes are spaced out, deviders are up. Lots of things aren’t being brought back including what I was doing before. Though I can finally pick up my project, and with the new space at home actually be able to work on it potentially. But yeah, I’m instead going to do a 12 week 1:2:1 singing course. More chance to see an actually in the flesh person, I just wonder if I can keep the anxiety down enough to attend…!

I have a million emails that have to be dealt with, plus so many issues and I have just remembered that I have a call booked this afternoon with the mental health nurse, yuk. Note, the psych STILL hasn’t contacted me. And I have to get my head into gear to run a game tonight, last week was a real struggle. And I need to get the fuck up and make some breakfast. I wish I’d managed to take painkillers when I got up earlier, but too much pain fog to do so. I’ll do it now, I’m so hungry I have to move. And I can go eat it in the breathing space 🙂