CW/ abuse/ rape/mention of murder/ mention of a lot of crap
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Possibly one of the biggest lies I repeated as a child. Admittedly in those days, facing up to school bullies, it was a sign of my defiance in the face of those that would have me believe horrible things about myself, or who were just trying (and ususally suceeding) to hurt me. However, it’s bullshit. Words do hurt. I would go home from that to the biggest bully who every day poisoned me with her words of hate and fear, so bad that school bullies although horrid were a relief from home life. I’ve learned how much words can be used to cause massive harm, to control people, manipulate and keep people down.
Recently I dared to stand up for sex workers against someone famous. I knew it was a risky move in terms of keeping myself safe and protected, but…. It felt like a thing that needed to be clarified. They weren’t being deliberately or forcefully offensive, i don’t believe they even intended to be offensive. It’s a case of phrasing, of what doesn’t get said, of context and of societal beliefs and expectations. Because of their fame there’s the potential for others to take on board those words and missuse them. To be honest I had less people hitting out at me than I feared (so far) and of course it’s mostly people choosing to miss understand what I said. Which was my problem to begin with, the potential for misunderstanding or judgement by subconsious assumption. Society is so primed with whorephobic, slut shaming and misogynistic language, its so pervasive that unless we stop to think about it we don’t even realise that we too are being harmful with our words. Case in point I’ve just this moment seen a conversation about the use of specific words and how they are associated with antisemitic and racist overtones and undertones. This stuff is EVERYWHERE. But back to the whorephobia.
Of course some people embrace that language because they’ve internalised the most popular attitudes. In this case the patriarchal hate that deliberately seeks to keep women in their place and use bullying, shame and threats to force them to ‘behave decently’. Expecting women to fit into society as a ‘respectable and decent person’ but what they mean by that is compliant and obedient. The language that spins up around this becomes derogatory on the most basic levels, to the point where we don’t even realise.
It’s the same with anything, language and the way we use it informs and forms the way we think about a thing. If every day I tell myself that I’m an idiot whenever something doesn’t go exactly right then I’ll believe it. If others around me use similar language, like calling me a fool when I mess up, that reinforces my belief. Even if they don’t mean to be malicious, and they don’t want to cause any harm, even if they were only being half serious it still repeats what I keep telling myself and therfore confirming those words. If other people are saying the same things about me that I’ve been saying then it must be true. why I’ve been saying those things in the first place comes from what I’ve been taught growing up, if my peers and caregivers provide an environment where its normal to call oneself, or others, stupid, it sets me up for a lifetime of believing that to be the normal truth of life. That’s only a basic example, it can be very complicated and with deep and twisted roots. And we don’t even realise we’re doing it, or when we’re being influenced by shit like propaganda from governments and media outlets. They know full well what they’re doing when they use certain words or techniques, it’s what they’ve been doing for centuries, they know that if you repeat something enough people will begin to belive it. Its insidious, the key words and ways things are presented, manipulating the masses to incite fear, control, pacify… To make sure that we behave. That language is pervasive and becomes a part of us, of how we think about things whether we realise it or not. We internalise stuff that is harmful to us, and then self regulate based on that, with others policing us if we start to stray and think for ourselves. Then those others pile on at the opportunity to signal to everyone how ‘right’ and virtuous they are. Governments rely on this self policing behaviour, the patriarchy relies on it, racism relies on it.
When enough people refuse to buy in, those that set the rules get nervous and you end up with things like Portland. When everyone buys into it you get horrendous INCELs murdering people out of fear and anger AND then the media paints them in a generous light, saying they were “a good guy” having a bad time, that somebody else (usually a woman) did something to ‘make them snap’. We end up with sickening videos of young girls being raped, her life is potentially ruined, definitely scarred. she’s called a slut, she’s questioned endlessly, shunned, abused and she is blamed for the disgusting behaviour of those that chose to rape her. While those rapists are forgiven for their behaviour, they, the rapists, are given freedom to carry on as normal because their lives have ‘so much potential’, they are just young boys who made a mistake, they have such promise for the future… While their victim must spend the rest of her life suffering, being reminded how little society values her life. Constantly reminded of their trauma through the actions and language of those around her. When people use patriarchal slurs such as bitch, cow, slut, hag, crone, cat lady etc it’s a reminder that women are considered lesser, considered to be offensive or made into the punchline…. “Oh you old bag” “don’t be such a moaning mirtle” “you stupid bitch” “don’t be a girl” “man up” All derogatory against women, all making the assumption that women are lesser, are something to be avoided, or feared, are inherently worthless, mouthy, disobedient and on.
When somebody chooses to leave the adult industry and no longer be a sex worker saying that they have a new found respect for themself without any further clarification or qualifiers, the unspoken and unintended implication of that statement is that other SWs who choose to remain inherently don’t have any self respect. And when that happens people who hate SWs can pick up those words and run with them, using them to harm and attack others, because it confirms their belief. And there’s no better embodiment of a thing than someone reformed. Someone who can be used as an example, whether they want it or not, to teach the poor misfortunates how the rhetoric was right all along.
So like that small child in the school playground, standing up to their bully, saying “I will not believe what you tell me to believe just because you have a gang behind you” I don’t think it’s fair if I don’t at least try to make others aware of how potentially damaging their words might be, intended or not we hurt others when we use common language that was designed by someone with ‘power’ to be derogatory or is assumed to be the norm and thus becomes exclusionary or offensive (such as calling a mixed group of people guys). We may not realise it but we’re buying into the status quo, internalising and perpetrating the harmful language. I’ve certainly been pulled up on things and had to rethink how I talk about stuff and in what context I use words. I’ve rightfully had to do a lot of consideration of the things I grew up believeing because of the language that was used around me as a child and teenager. A lot of that language hurt me directly, and fuck did it hurt. I am mentally and physically scarred by the words used to mould and control me as a child, words used to put me in my place, to make sure I understood the rules. Words used to remind me that I was powerless, worthless, less than, weak, stupid, evil, decietful, untrustworthy, a slut and a whore, a fucking tease, a prude, a cunt, ugly, fat, useless…..All while I worked harder than any boy or man around me and ‘threatened’ them with my actual intelligence, individualism and independance and my ability to show them up at everything they do because I’ve actually put the work in and proven myself capable. But then that makes me an arrogant, unlovable, undignified whore. All these words have become so entrenched within society to keep people down. Words that people dont even consider, its just what you say, its just how it is…
Well it’s that way because arseholes said it is. It is not the truth. and we really need to rethink and restructure our language, our insults, our genuine comments and feedback, and in the way we talk about ourselves. Even if I must insult myself and be horrible to me, I must try to not take others down with me, especially when they dont deserve it! And as stressful and nervewracking as it is to speak out. WE ALL NEED TO SPEAK OUT AND RAISE ISSUES IN AS PEACEFUL A WAY AS WE CAN. EXCEPT WHERE PEACE IS A LONG PAST OPTION.
The Bouncing Spoon 