I need to talk to you about being a good listener/friend/ally. About not invalidating people’s feelings. About being supportive to both yourself and them. About not putting your feelings before their experiences. Even the nicest, most well meaning of us is fully capable of destroying someone with a few words.
When someone is telling you something about themself /family /friends etc and what they’re saying makes you upset. Maybe it’s horrible, maybe it makes you feel sick, maybe it scares you. And you ask that they don’t say those things again. You are invalidating them.
Now I can understand why people have that kind of reaction but seriously, fuck off. Because that’s what it feels like from this side. By saying that you don’t want to hear what they’re saying you are also implying that you dont care and would rather they just shut up and left you alone. And sometimes that’s exactly what it is. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s a visceral reaction to truly horrific things. But when a person takes the chance to be open and vulnerable and the response they receive is to be asked please don’t, it’s upsetting and potentially harmful.
Take a moment and think about where these people are coming from. They’re likely talking about a traumatic experience, that they’ve lived through and survived. Or have been so intensely traumatised that that’s all they can feel, and they crave an end to it. And they take a chance to be open and vulnerable. Then they’re asked or told to stop talking. They’ve probably had that same experience over and over and over. Constantly being denied a place at the table. Constantly being invalidated, told through the rejection by others that they are not important, they don’t matter, they are a nuisance, that they’re just attention seeking, they’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, they’re too sensitive, they’re over reacting, that they’re lying… Every time someone says please don’t say that because it hurts my feelings, when in fact what they’re experiencing is discomfort or anxiety but are not themselves being attacked, they are denying the speaker has a right to their own life experiences. That they should not be speaking about their feelings because others don’t like it.
If you’re somebody who’s responded to another person mentioning difficult things with a request to not do that and you haven’t given a reasonable explanation, like maybe it’s triggering something in yourself then you have invalidated them. If you feel the need to respond with a oh but… type of statement such as All lives matter when a black person says Black lives matter then you are invalidating them. Or the Not all men hashtag, or any of the other reactionary responses that come flying out of the internet. When people are being upfront about difficult truths that are hard to hear. If your response is to invalidate them then you’re part of the problem.
If you find yourself getting frustrated at someone who keeps talking about their problems and you slag them off or send them messages telling them to ‘be more cheerful’ or you TELL A WOMAN TO SMILE then you are invalidating them, amongst many other things.
Now I am not saying that you all have to listen to everything ever or you’re a bad person. Or that by not listening you’re automatically a fucking cunt. If you’re a cunt then you’re a cunt, you’re actions will show that up. What I’m saying is that you, me, everyone needs to stop and think before we react to what someone has just said. Is it making me uncomfortable because it’s reminding me of something terrible that I’ve not dealt with yet? Or have I been running on fumes for months and simply don’t have the spoons to deal with one more thing? Or is what they’ve said somehow too close to home/about a mutual friend/something I have zero experience with? Then I need to say so and be honest myself. Then I can establish a boundary that keeps both of us safe. Whatever they might say to me it is my responsibility to ensure that I act in a way that doesn’t harm either of us. I’m not saying that if they’re throwing abuse at you that you need to just take it. Maybe you deserve it, but that’s another issue. But if someone comes to me and says they’re struggling with something then I panic and tell them I don’t want to hear it. Then I’m a cunt. Maybe I have genuine reasons for not being able to listen, maybe I’m in the wrong state of mind, maybe I’m unwell and incapable of hearing or helping. But the best thing I can do is say those things and explain so that we both know what my current boundaries are. I won’t manage that all the time, because I’m shit, but I try and am trying to improve. And I hope that’s good enough (though I constantly fear it isn’t) I can’t be a good friend or ally if I’m dealing with things all arse backwards. Same if I’m talking over someone. Or thinking I’m bonding when I’m just one-upping them. Or I’m getting defensive. We just need to STFU and LISTEN and if we can’t listen then please say so. Do not ask us to stop speaking. It causes more damage. Be good by being good. Good to yourself and your needs. Good to them by respecting your needs and boundaries AND their needs. Sadly we can’t all be great people all the time. But we can try.
Check yourself. Check your privilege. Check your prejudice and check you own fucking emotions. Maybe now is not a good time. Maybe you’re not the right person. Maybe, just maybe, you are the arsehole. And maybe you can be a good friend by saying that you are not in a position to deal with it right now. Feel free to give an explanation, it could help the situation. Instead of asking them to stop talking consider asking them if they have anyone else that may be better able to support them. Or maybe you just need to shut the fuck up and listen. Judge the situation, use your noggin and figure out a solution that will support them and keep you safe. Even if it’s saying that you’re unable to deal with x information and that you would like to help but can’t. If you’re able to maybe you can help by assisting them in finding appropriate support, if you have the spoons maybe you could look for a suitable platform for them. As long as you’re not hurting them by saying you can’t help (as in to do so would be to allow violence to continue for example) then they’re almost certainly going to care as much about you as you do about them. And they’ll care that you’re looking after yourself and your mental health too.
I don’t know if this even makes sense. I’m just so fucking angry and hurting. The world is literally burning and it could be sooooooooo much better if we stopped invalidating each other.
The Bouncing Spoon 