psyched

I have just had what I think is one of the best psychiatrist appointments, ever. Before I went in I’d been told that he was good, very progressive and a proponent of art as personal development and emotional management (he’s on the trustee board of the art charity I access) also generally non judgmental.

Turns out that’s all true. He agrees with me on my bullshit diagnosis and what I feel I should be relabled as. He hates the labels we are forced to use, thinks most of them are bullshit and often hinder people, I agree. He said my “diagnosis” is wrong and is very actually very complicated, that labelling me as having a personality disorder is offensive and wrong, I agree! He said that I’m dealing with complex trauma….No shit! And he’s going to write to my gp and others to tell them so. Maybe they’ll start treating me with some respect and less like just some emotionally unstable crazy ******. That’s my hope and opinion not his! He’s also going to send me a copy of the document that I can print out to my hearts content to show to others if needed.

Because of the fucking appalling way things have gone on my way to get here he had ZERO idea of my gender and body issues, because no one had bothered to make a note of it, as usual. He has advised patience and to wait for a stable period before I make any kind of decisions. I struggle with that, it’s such a crisis issue for me that it’s rather consuming but I do understand and of course would not make irriversable choices without careful thought. But I do NEED to understand what it is I fucking want because I don’t know. And to do that I need to talk it through lots, with others who understand and can give advice. But again, I understand his advice, I just don’t like it. He was also apologetic for misgendering me, something that happened because no fucker had bothered to tell him or put it in my notes, which he had read prior to me getting there.

He also asked that I be patient with my mental health nurse because as much of a useless grumpy **** as she is (he was not polite about her!), she is also in the best position to help with certain things. So be patient and keep my appointment with her. Urgh…. fine. It’ll be a lesson in practicing some bullshit life skills I guess, learning to be understanding of others failings without getting angry. And I suppose learning to use the system. Or something like that.

He scoffed lightly at the suggested anti depressant I’ve been told to use. Interesting response that I would have loved to dig deeper into, but there wasn’t time. And he thinks it’s rediculous that I’m being pressured to stop taking the medication I’m on, that’s working, for something untried that’s nobody knows what will do to me. He said that the drive to get people off pregabalin is the new “danger drug fad” or something like that,  and I absolutely fucking agree. And he’s going to write to my gp and recommend that they leave me the fuck alone in that regard, though not quite in those words.

Fucking, yes, mate.

Them literally harassing me to drastically change my medication regime is causing me more distress at a time when I need support and stability, not stabbing in the back by the people who are supposedly my support system. And the ones with so much control over my healthcare. So maybe they will stop pestering me to fuck around with my medication while simultaneously NOT supporting me and dropping me in the shit, repeatedly.

It was such a good meeting, particularly compared to other ones and the last 19 months of crying and begging. I can’t yet take it all in and am still processing. We discussed so much in only 30 minutes, a time set because he was given poor information about what I needed the appointment for. I’ve almost stopped shaking. I was shaking with nerves before I went in, all those months of built up anxiety and stress. Now I’m shaking because I am all overflowing with the different subjects we skimmed over and the highly positive attitude he had toward me. The respect he showed towards me towards my thoughts and feelings, it’s blown my mind. That’s both wonderful and horrifying. It highlights the disgusting way I’ve been treated up to now and just how much fucking shit people have to swim through just for basic assistance within the system. It’s also such a relief. I feel like he listened to me, he asked questions where he didn’t understand, and was open to his own mistakes and assumptions about me. He treated me like a human with needs and opinions and a valid view on myself, not an incapable irritating nuisance who doesn’t get a say in how to live my own life.

He recommended I never drink alcohol alone, something which I already know and very rarely do because of the risks… for the rest of my life. I don’t like the reminder that that’s how it has to be but he’s right. Annoyingly. And that I avoid skunk, because again it’s not good for me. He suggested finding seeds for some good local green and growing my own…. neat! Because the chemical balance within those varieties will be more beneficial to me. Which I know and agree with, it’s just fascinating to have a medical professional openly discuss weed and make recommendations for a more appropriate type to use. Obviously that’s unlikely to make it into the written report going to other healthcare professionals! But again, it was good not to be judged and critisised for it, instead given practical advice. Not spoken down to and simply told don’t do it. Spoken to like a person, with a mind and the ability to use it. Not someone who needs to be lectured and condescended to, as is the typical response. And his response to me saying I occasionally do dominatrix stuff was also atypical and fascinating. He understands it and immediately commented on how I was being the therapist for clients and how hard it can be… he really understands it, amazing. And again with zero judgment.

There was so much we talked about, a lot of it I will keep private I think. It’s all things I’ve discussed here, I think, I just want to ponder our conversation privately for a while.

So I had to stop writing for a class (just tried capoeira!) and have had a bit of time to process stuff in the background. Pondering stuff on the walk from class to the gym and I reflected on how open I was about my own failings, and my understanding of myself. Because of the way he treated me, openly and frankly being honest about his opinions on things. And of course my paranoia crept in, what if his attitude was an act? What if he uses what I said against me? Have I just shot myself in the foot? I don’t think so but it doesn’t stop the reactive thoughts, behaviour learnt early on via her doing just that to me, followed by a string of abusive relationships with gaslighters and two-faced manipulative wankers who gather information on people to be used at a later date. So I’m moderately comforted by the knowledge that this is a paranoid thought and likely has little to no basis in reality in this particular situation. Doesn’t stop the feeling though. Based on what I’ve heard and what I experienced I think he was genuine. As usual only time will tell how much he will do of the list he made. And how much of it will be accurate. Plus, if I do want to see him again will it be as simple as he claimed it would be. I did ask him to please tell the gp and MH nurse that he told me I can rebook with him any time. Apparently I had a no-show appointment a few months back. I’d allegedly been given an appointment but nobody bothered to tell me about it, I cannot process that right now but I imagine I’ll get quite angry. It’s not at all surprising given all the crap that I’ve had to deal with and the incompetence within the service. Anyway, I gotta put the phone down and focus on my exercise now. Back later

I’m back, I hope you didn’t miss me too much in between sentences! I am very sore and tired but I made to capoeira and the gym so my brain is happy with me, might not be quite so pleased tomorrow when I struggle to move but… worth it. And I definitely needed the processing time, away from mine and in a communal space even if I was being alone in that space. (Mostly writing this or exercising and trying to understand what happened this morning, I still am unsure that it actually happened) I have much less tooth pain today, HORAH. Oh, yeah, I broke another tooth and damaged another a couple of nights ago while at my friends house. They very kindly took me to a dentist near them where I’d managed to get an emergency appointment. Thankfully no serious damage, the teeth apparently look healthy. He filled in the bit that had broken off and told me to stop grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw…. I told him that is easier said than done. The blank expression on his face told me he understands absolutely nothing about stress and how that affects people or makes them do things such as grind their teeth in their sleep. But that event has highlighted that I really need a new dentist asap so that I can get a new mouth guard as I’ve lost mine. Something that I need either a lot of spoons to do myself or help with. I used to go to a specialist clinic that treated people who were homeless, with preexisting conditions and alcohol/drug dependencies, things that make it difficult to see a regular dentist as they’re not equipped or experienced with those things. As demonstrated by yesterday’s dentists reaction to my comment. That clinic access is no longer available, [sarcastic voice] thanks government funding cuts. Thankfully I had a friend with me yesterday who had made it physically possible to get to a dentist urgently when I don’t have one of my own. The love and care they demonstrated in doing that for me made it possible for me to stay calm and get my tooth repaired just one day after it broke. And working around my booked train time to get back home! When I did get back and opened the street door to the communal stairs standing there on the stairs waiting for someone to collect them was one of my former carers. I invited her in for tea, she took one look at the mess and I explained my current difficulty with managing the housework and she got a bit upset that things were so hard for me right now. She took off her coat and gently pushed me out of the kitchen proceeding to clean it up for me. Because it wasn’t going to get done for a couple of days at least. She did that for me because she wanted to help, and refused money from me, but did accept a hug 🙂 she was waiting quite a while so we got to have a chat and tea too and that combined with my friends help made me feel very loved yesterday. And certainly took some of the pressure off today, getting up this morning to a clean and tidy-ish kitchen made my day start well. And though I was a bag of nerves I could relax somewhat knowing that a big chunk of housework was done. Following up with that psych appointment, something I had shed blood and tears trying to get for almost 2 years, which then went so well. I currently feel a bit unreal. I have been stressing about how busy this week is and will continue to be until the very end, the help volunteered by others and the positive treatment from the psych is almost too much to take. But oh so welcome. And thats a big personal step, allowing others to help, allowing myself to be “in need” and vulnerable. It’s a big step forward. There’s still miles to go and always so much to do, I hope that my care package gets sorted soon. It’s been messed up for a whole year and social services are a nightmare to deal with. Plus they treat me like shit because I have the mental capacity to speak up and complain about the way they treat me. And as the psychiatrist pointed out , I’m “not abusing my children” so they don’t care about me. I don’t have children, because I fear I would abuse them, but their (social services) priority is about appearing to protect the vulnerable. Which means safeguarding children and providing care for the elderly and mentally incapacitated such as those with Alzhimers. Fuck the disabled. We don’t fit into their objectives.

But I’m ranting about shitty stuff now and I don’t want to. I want to think about and process all the good stuff from the last couple of days. Other people being kind, helpful and open to my needs. There is a lot of potential for good things to come from this, I am scared to think about that as I’ve been burned too many times this last 2 years when I’ve asked for help. I am scared my hopes will be dashed again but… but, there is hope. And there is real potential for some of that positivity to invade my life and start improving things. I am long overdue for an upward turn. And maybe I can start trusting that I have genuine support from someone with the power to affect lasting change. I do hope so, despite my fears. And I think I am going to go sit uncomfortably with that hope for a while, before I continue with my crazy busy week and the other housework that I told my former carer to stop eying up…!