No, thats wrong. Its more along the lines of “Touch me again and I will fucking kill you” yeah I feel like crying but The Petrol Girls capture my feelings better with Touch Me Again. Besides, I cried yesterday. Thats probably me done for a while.
I have relocated to another city for the second half of my ‘holiday’ to attend another Dr Who convention. This one im doing on my own but as that’s my normal im not stressing. I am WAAAAAYYYYYY more stressed about visiting my father tomorrow.
This was my choice, my idea. I’m angry at the reportd ive had back from my sister about the state of the house and his behaviour, I intend to reclaim and get it cleaned up. If i can get him cleaned up in the process then, bonus. Ive not seen him since our brothers funeral, where his behaviour was just offensive, as usual. And he didnt come to the inquest so there was no chance to address things directly.
Its been a long time since i was in this city, since our grandmother’s funeral. 8 years ago, I left her house unsure if I would ever see it again. 8 years ago I walked away from my father indefinitely thanks to his appalling behaviour and the fact that once my grandmother had died there was no reason for me to come here anymore. Despite the time away, on the train in I still recognised the landmarks. My heart broke a little as we passed near her house, my stomach knotted up and chest constricted at the thought of going there tomorrow. Had i not been sat next to a chatty and lovely lady i would likely have become lost in the grief and actually cried. But as it was I was soon distracted and pulled away from my sombre reverie.
If what my sister has said is true, and I have zero reason to doubt her, then i am going to be angered and repulsed by the state of both our father and the house.
It is also 100% down to me to make any move on rebuilding any sort of relationship with him, however it goes he would never reach out to me first. Once again its left to the children to be the grownups. And i have chosen to accept that responsibility here, ive already contacted local authorities regarding care, just need to convince him to accept. And i plan to spend a lot more time here, which means getting the house cleaned up. And eventually signed over to me, if it isnt already supposed to be in my name, none of us ever saw a will so we don’t know. Its going to be so hard walking back into that house without her there. It has haunted me in nightmares ever since, in those 8 years so many dreams in that house, only 1 was she there too. In my dreams it’s usually full of horrendous people who dont belong there, such as my dead brother (who was not welcome there by her but moved in anyway at fathers ruling) or mother, who rarely even visited. Or complete strangers fucking around and doing bad things. But bigger than all that, is dealing with him in a way that wont harm me. I think ive done enough therapy now to manage that okay, but I have to stay calm and clinical. And not be manipulated into things I don’t want.
I have NO IDEA how its going to go. Thus far hes reacted well to my contact. I dont know if social services have been in touch yet. And i dont know how he’ll react to me, the ‘new’ me. The new me that is not much different really, more confident definitely. But that doesn’t feel like much of a different person right now while I am overwhelmed with memories and grief over the passing of one of my most beloved people and family members ever.
And now I’m crying.
Fuck i miss her so much. She hated my father at the end, told me things he doesn’t know that I know. Things that make me want to physically hurt him. But at least she got that stuff off her chest and died unburdened by it. If I could be with her again I would, id give up almost everything I have to be around het again. She was one of only 2 people in my childhood and family that never did anything malicious to hurt me. I dont know why i didnt get us out of home and take us to her, if id told her what was happening she’d have helped. But I could never tell.
Im an absolute mess right now. Going to finish up as it really hard to see through tears. I shall take a walk, and the medication intended to keep me calm(er) ai have already asked for emotional support tomorrow from a few people so im not leaning on one person. Wow, ive changed! Looking after myself and putting in safety measures and support. I guess confidence isnt the only difference.
The Bouncing Spoon 