Now that I’ve had an angry rant and, with the help of chemicals, had a bit of sleep. I am back to tired, miserable and pissed off that I ever woke up.
I’d go back to bed but I’m terrified of sleep. I’d lay down on the sofa but am (always) too high alert to nap in the presence of strangers.
I have been thinking about leaving here a day early, feeling like I’ve got all I can from it but, but… is that me wanting to run away and re bury stuff? Is it because I’m really fucking tired and want to hide in my own bed and binge watch some shite? Is that because I simply don’t believe I deserve any help, or happiness, and therefore must prove it by leaving?
I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, yet I fight it stubbornly. Too tired to make a decision, too tired to think clearly. And too stubborn to give in to sleep.
I really don’t know what to do with myself. I’m back in that horrible familiar rutt, faced with going back home to a place that is very unsafe and full of negativity. Thinking about it makes my chest hurt.
This is the first Christmas in several years that I’ve felt upset by the concept. Long story short, I HATED Christmas, made peace with it, developed apathy for it and just did my own thing without the pressure of this bullshit nonsense that Xmas traditionally is.
Originally I had planned to spend Christmas day with a friend, go for a walk maybe have a picnic, sit by their fire and have a chill day. But their plans changed, and I support their choice 120% so was kinda floating undecided as to what to do but not so bothered. I get out of here the day before Xmas eve so could just go home and do something nice for the house.
I’d also planned to go visit a family member on boxing day, they’ve also changed their plans and will no longer be around. This feels like a huge betrayal, one change I can manage especially as I still had the other one in place. But now they’re both gone and I feel abandoned. I don’t want to have a depressed angry Christmas alone but it’s looking that way.
I had considered looking for an alternative for Xmas day, though any option is likely to be draining and potentially too chaotic for my current state of mind. Which brings my options back down to being alone when I need company and support. Much like every other fucking day of the year only with the constant reminder that I’m failing and doing Christmas wrong, according to society and commercialism.
And I’m back to feeling miserable, tired and utterly fucking stupid.
This place has done what it says on the tin. A short term respite at a moment of crisis, tomorrow I go back to how things were. Fucking shit.
The posibility of trauma therapy has been suggested, it’s come up before but there was no way I was going to do 2 intense therapies concurrently and I had hope it would be a lot longer between hardcore therapies. But life has other ideas and the assault on holiday has unlocked things that can not be re-buried.
Do I even have the spoons to cope with it? By its very nature it would be traumatic. I can’t go through that again in my shitty home environment. I can’t move out without a hell of a lot of help to clear out 20 years of hoarding. I can’t do anything productive in that place.
I have trapped myself. And I’m fucking angry at myself for something that was caused by the way I was raised.
I did this to myself, I can’t fix it alone. I made a trap.
I can’t do this any more. And the only way out alive is to wade through the shit.
Insert gif of Tennant Doctor crying in the rain.
The Bouncing Spoon 