In answer, I dont know. Not specifics anyway.  Have had an insatiable hunger since getting back home a few days ago, triggered by exhaustion and lack of sleep. It now seems to be more than that, tied to emotional stuff that I havent identified. I’m fed up with not being able to sleep much, fed up with feeling crap and spoonless, fed up with eating all the fucking time. I’M NOT ACTUALLY HUNGRY. Getting stuck in a mini whirlpool of being sleep deprived, restless, in pain, depressed, angry and emotionally frayed which stops me from sleeping and makes me compulsively eat ALL the food and sweets. And getting wound up by all of this, disgusted and angry at myself for letting it happen and not fighting the compulsions and beating myself for not sleeping. Which leads me back into getting stressed, not being able to sleep and force feeding myself.

Its an old entrenched abusive coping method. Its also a classic screaming neon sign that theres some deep serious/nasty/terrifying emotional shit lurking just below my conscience. Shit that I dont want to deal with, that I would rather just fucked off and went away never to bother me again. Its making me extremely short tempered and sensitive to my surroundings. The clutter in my prison of a home is making me VERY stressed right now. At this moment I could really do with someone to cuddle up with and just …be… To cry or laugh or watch tv, or whatever. But that’s something I cannot think about so it gets pushed away as dwelling and making myself feel worse isnt going to help. So its just me and my head demons here


The boiler saga

Sounds like a really crap steampunk series!

Its actually just a really crap real life broken boiler… and a cheapskate landlord who wont pay for a new one.

Thankfully its summer so I don’t need heating. Cold water baths are not my thing though!!


Gimme a break!

Dear body…. You have got to be kidding me!

Just about recovered from major surgery after having a large endo cyst removed. Doing my physio (yayy good me) and did a breast exam at the same time, efficiency ftw. And I found a lump *rolls eyes so hard* I am going to hope its something hormonal and will bugger off soon. Though it feels different to the usual transient lumps. The prospect of yet another round of hospital appointments, scans, possible surgery etc…. well, I’m sighing right now. I’ve worked SOOOOOOOO hard the last few years, with a billion* medical things going on. Gradually reducing the amount of clinics and appointments I need to attend, it has literally taken up a massive part of my life, so each one I’ve been discharged/graduated from has been a small but significant win. And with all the other stuff thats happened in the two years I was away from this blog, stuff that hasnt gone away. Goddammit I Need a holiday! A real loooooong holiday. With No hospital, clinic, doctor appointments. No therapy group. No restrictive medication routine (which reminds me, I wanted to write something up on that, made massive progress there) No family drama. No life drama. And no arsehole neighbours!

Right now, the prospect of yet more medical/body drama is rather depressing. So I’m gonna grab me some spoons, deal with the stuff on my plate right now, try to get some rest, and go enjoy the fuck out of something. Anything. Maybe a cuppa tea! 😀

*maybe a slightly exaggerated number

In the End, it Does Matter.

Pondering Fandoms

If what follows helps someone, anyone, even a tiny bit then it’ll be worth it. ‘Cause in the end, it does matter. You matter.

Warning: mentions of past thoughts of suicide & Chester Bennington’s death

5689c6a5b2You almost never know how you will react when you learn about someone’s death. We like to think that we have a good idea, about whether we would cry or sob or just feel sad when we hear the news. Yet here I am wiping away tears, feeling like someone sucker punched me in the gut at work after hearing Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide this morning. Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park confirmed it on twitter as well as numerous trusted news sources.

Please understand, Linkin Park is a strange band for me. I tend to take it or leave it. I would never say I’m a fan. Sure I…

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Ever feel defeated by life?

Been struggling through post surgical depression for three weeks. Complicated by my therapy sessions and aggravated by my horrendous neighbors. With all of my family distracted by my cousin passing away recently and the closest geographically now away on holiday. Plus my closest friends now totally subsumed by parenthood. The last three weeks have felt terribly lonely. I don’t suffer much with loneliness these days, it used to be a chronic and powerful force in my life, years ago. I removed it and learnt to be comfortable with my own company. But with everything that’s happened in the last two years, my mobile restrictions and heavy medication after surgery have left me feeling broken and alone. 

I have developed a good friendship with my neighbor who has been a wonderful help and the only person to regularly check in to see hoe I’m doing and if I need anything. Without them I could well have ended up in hospital to get the support I required. 

I’ve tried not being angry at friends and family for abandoning me. They generally and genuinely have other priorities. Many are burnt out and distraught after my cousins horrific battle with cancer. Me with my porely timed endometrial cyst and oopherectomy simply don’t compare. And I’m not the type to continually demand that people keep their promises of help. That kind of thing I can do when feeling strong, when I don’t nessescerily need it. And others have offered help but life some distance away so asking them to pop over seems rediculous. Though one has been good with Skype calls to try keep me sane. But the sad thing is its not enough. 

Recently I was discussing in therapy and questioning my decision to remain without any significant other(s) it’s been needed for me to be able to focus on me and my recovery/metamorphosis. I barely sleep, spend a large amount of my time and energy on medical/health commitments and have for the last year begun (re)building my social life with artistic classes. So I really haven’t had the time to persue romantic entanglements. Which I’ve been absolutely fine with, until recently. Even when friends and family haven’t been so distracted, it would have been ideal to have someone or someones with whom I could confide and seek guidance. Someone who’s shoulder I am comfortable crying on, somebody happy to watch my favourite tv and cuddle up with in silence. Someone who would know instinctively what I needed at any particular moment and who wanted to give their time for me. That all sounds terribly selfish now I see it written out, and maybe the guilt and conflict of wanting all that is wrapping itself around the loads I’m already carrying and squeezing tight. Suffocating me, making it hard to breathe or move. Just what I need when home-bound by the operation. 

Been away too long

I have wanted, so many times, to write. But I just haven’t been able to, for a variety of reasons.  I do on occasion manage to write something up in my head so I’m halfway there…! Generally though, things have been so dark, so overwhelming and so confusing that I could not work out how to express myself in words. I’d still try, occasionally.

I’m not going to say that i failed, even though that’s what it feels like, because I didn’t fail. it was simply a different time where my energies were focused on and demanded by other areas. A lot has changed of course, including myself. Family members and friends have died, other friends have increased their unit size and created their own families. I’ve had what has felt like endless medical appointments, examinations, tests, treatments, regimes, referrals, knock-backs, major surgery, help and a bit too many hindrances. Though I am now able to see that there will be an end to it all, probably not a quickly as I would like, but it is coming. And I am taking back as much control as I can!

For the last year or so, I have been reducing my painkillers, which I have been on 4+ x a day every day for around 6 years (making a royal mess of my innards in the process). As of next month I will be back to PRN for anything containing opiates, paracetamol, hypnotics, muscle relaxants etc!!! I’m keeping the pregabalin and sertraline as they are for now and will just use the brainkillers when I really need them. The fibro and fatigue are much better controlled these days, and my recent surgery might result in an easing of the pcos/endo symptoms I’ve been suffering with for the last 10+ years….I hope.

Without breaking confidentiality of my fellow groups members, there was much deep and dark discussion yesterday around assisted suicide, murder, neglect, abuse, and rape. It was a deeply powerful group, with subjects that could each have been delved into for a long time but with the time constraint we barely scraped the surfaces. This does however teach us to be more succinct, to get to the point, that hook, the thing that is terrorizing us. Get to the core, or as close to as possible at that moment in time, and stop dancing around the details, details that often serve as a distraction or diversion from that thing.

I have dedicated the last 2 years almost entirely to healing. Learning to self care, learning to manage time and energy, when to stop pushing and when to reach out. There’s still a long way to go, life is currently a living hell which I have nearly escaped once or twice. And wanted to leave more times than I can remember. And there is no ‘end’ to the process, this is going to be a life long mission to keep learning, making adjustments, listening to my body/mind and standing my ground when required. There’s no such thing as a happy ending. So we just need to make the most of what we have NOW.

Doing the right thing

More big changes come my way. Something I’ve been trying to avoid for years, today I agreed, nay asked, for.
Sorry to be so vague right now but I’m still trying to get my head around it and the shame I have around the whole situation.
At least I am doing the proper thing and if not fully taking responsibility at least owning the crap.

Yep. This is my mess.

Anybody got an enormous brush & pan to sweep it up with?!