No One Spoke

Storyshucker

Friends and I enjoyed sun, sand, and surf with other beachgoers on a recent Saturday. Sitting slathered in sticky sunscreen beneath our umbrellas, we pointlessly brushed sand from our legs as we discussed evening plans. The seagulls overhead laughed louder than the swimmers splashing in nearby waves while those of us on the beach napped, read, or simply watched people. My friends discussed how relaxing it was and how nice it would be to sleep late the next morning.

Sleep late? I mentioned to them that we only get so many sunrises in a lifetime. Shouldn’t we get up to look at a few?

They stared blankly for a second then shook their heads in unison. No.

In the wee hours of the next morning, alone in the dark, I started the short walk from house to beach guided only by dim lights above the boardwalk. It was eerily quiet at…

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none

Longingly I gaze upon the wilderness

Salt water gently caressing my eyes

so close and so very far

long gone are the days of freedom

long gone is the option to lose myself in the long green of my vision

A longing so desperate it tears a crater within the brittle cage that holds back a dark ocean of yesterdays.

Paralysed.

The weight of bitterness too heavy to bear

Movement only in dreams, free to dance with the winds, singing limbs unconstrained by reality.

Life’s essence etches red tracks across the scarred landscape of the soft body.

The body that burns and grinds in protest at every shallow breath

fantasies of floods, red as death, washed down with the sweet saltines of precious tears.

Preparing, tidying up the failures of a lifetime wasted.

Leave no mess

leave nothing

but memories of failed dreams

Leave before compulsion drives this tattered fool further into darkness.

Already too deep to find a way out of the thick clinging stench of self-imposed prison.

buried so far down within torment, no chance of warming touch from sun

no freedom to move, no choice to be still

no peace

no quite

nothing but hell

Nature calls as she always does when darkness falls

Her soft voice whispering in the grass

triggering an embedded need to rejoin with her

My molecules becoming one with beauty, coveted so by a sad and jealous heart

Life’s beauty and ugliness pass by on missions unknown

Dreams of flight pervade my thoughts again

To be free of this cage

feathers where once were fingers

open air where once was hard ground

escape at last from this damaged fleshy prison

Never lasting the dream fades again to despair

Anger welling up, consuming, changing, until nothing but bitterness and pain remain

How do I tell the one I love that I am leaving

How do I ease her pain and show her this is the right path for me

I have failed myself and all my dreams

trained for incompetence

I’ve excelled at being the best loser

Ruined dreams lay broken at my naked feet

why change the habit of a lifetime

stay in the uncomfortable horror of the familiar

more than half a lifetime spent trying to untangle the painful mess, learn new habits, forgive old ones

Still I cannot overcome

I was made to be broken

and broken I am

Oh to touch the clouds, to soar above the trees, dive beneath the waves

Float motionless

gentle waves washing away the stink

Alone.

floating on the wind

cycled again and again until eventually consumed by the star that birthed us all

No more pain

no more suffering

sinking into oblivion

sinking into bliss

Nevermore trapped by the obligations of blood, flesh and bones

what reason to remain

to endure

to mockingly care for the tiny handful of life’s wonders, chosen to comfort and teach

Nurture failed, thoughtfulness lost

compassion a distant tool, hard to access.

stupidly repeating the neglect of old

A pretender to the crown

kindness assumed

worth mis-given by innocents

Tricked, deceived, manipulated

their memories will be but false creations, manufactured by the ultimate lie

I am not who you think I am

Cannot continue with this pretence

cannot live any other way

Unskilled, inexperienced, I’ve fumbled my way through this new existence

chosen to extinguish bile filled chaos

a fire only dampened down

embers still glowing after all these years

ready to spark ablaze the tinder and dry wood of pains so long ago buried

I want to go now.

Set my spirit free

Once upon a lifetime I had all the potential, and no choices

later, decisions made have borne weak and sickly fruits

Poisonous distractions

demanding more than their worth

draining dry the fragile resources gathered through broken promises

This lie I’ve been living can end

false positives always hanging over

Leave that world

leave this world

numb to both

rejected, dejected. Unknown, never was

Nothing left for the nothing person

surrounded by a mountain of memories

blocked in

blocked up

trapped

set it afire

it means nothing to anyone else

just trinkets and nonsense

Many lifetimes crowded into a space too tight

stagnant with the rituals of traditions long past

if they ever were

Free me from this cage

which path to choose

rivers of red seeping across the fleshscape

threads of poison reaching inside and strangling all meaning from a battered soul

a bright explosion, coursing pain, possible regret

then blackness

sweet featureless unfeeling blackness

the answer finally found

Here we go again

Finally received the dreaded letter, the one DWP have been promising for so long.

Apply for PIP now or have my disability payment stopped within 2 weeks.

Great.

Once again, another point based assessment done by a non medical, non sympathetic person who’s aim at heart is to remove me from the system.

Not that I’m jaded or anything.

Sigh

Longing

I wish I could go for a walk.

Technically I could, go for a hobble to the end of the road. But that’s not what I want, I want to go on a long walk. Through the beautiful greenery stretching out in front of me. I want to go for a long walk, like I used to.

Instead I’m here staring mournfully out through the window, remembering, longing, wishing I could be there instead of here.