Whoever invented feelings needs to be shot

Hello stranger

Its been a while! I’ve almost managed to post a few times, almost.  And I would post more if I had the spoons.  Mostly I just write something out in my head and log it for later, occasionally I make actual notes! Just found some from last week…

Ignored by croud. Checked in by photographer. Lonely (tired)

Referred to as a friend by someone I admire. Feeling lost, lonely, unsure, worried about potential drop and inability to sleep and the work load demanding attention.

2 long hard days, 4hrs sleep and off to a rave. With a painful knee.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Sore sweaty and stiffening.

Needing contact and companionship. Need someone to UNDERSTAND how I am feeling and to comfort me to help alleviate the empitness, fear and trepidation. A common factor when unrested, such as after raving.

Acutely aware of self isolation, withdraw,

Dreaming, wanting, needing to complete the million tasks with no spoons to accomplish all the things that are impossible even when well rested

Scared of being exposed. As a fraud. Imposter. Interloper. Unwelcome loser. Rejection. Bring laughed at, whispered about. Paranoid. Distracted. Hungry for more, for change, to be different to be someone else.

Cheery fucker aint I?! If its not clear this was just after a club event, after which I was alone, again, and pretty fucked off. These are common themes for me, and have been powerful lately, I’ve actually been feeling lonely and alone. Like I do now, so much so that its ripping a great gash in my chest and crushing my head in a vice.

Because of life choices that I have made (solo poly) to give me the space, time, spoons etc to focus on Me and my health, I have created a situation for myself that is totally fucking with me now. My choice has not only been good for me but has been absolutely fine with the exception of a few times when I’d like to have some company.  Well today a friend asked me what do I need? I didnt want to answer because the answer hurt, made me teary, made me feel vulnerable and at risk of harm.

I need cuddles. I need to spend a couple of days just laying around, hugging, chatting, crying. With someone that understands me, or at least tries to (unlike some people) someone that cares, whos compasionate and caring. Who wants to look after me, care for me, hold my hand, comfort me, hug me.

But thats impossible. The result of isolating myself. So here I am, despirately not wanting to feel, taking gradually more detrimental actions to numb myself, causing harm in the process. Why cant I just wish it all away?