fake it till you make it…?

Is this really a viable option?

sometimes, I guess. Though I’m not sure its good for all situations. Its essentially what I’ve been doing for years, if not my whole life. /Though certainly with more conscious awareness in the last 10-15 years. But is this attitude not harmful? Even potentially dangerous? I know its gotten me into a few ‘scrapes’ in the past and could well do so again if things continue, as is. I get it, theres definitely benefits and a possible ego/confidence boost to putting oneself into the place one wants to be (or at least where you think you want to be) and just jumping in at the deep end. I’ve done things that I definitely wanted to do, but my motivations were misunderstood. Had I gone into the same situation, lets say my former career as a vehicle/plant mechanic, with a diferent motivation. Once that was clearer to me and more ‘honest’ then maybe things would have worked out very differently. Maybe I wouldnt have had a meltdown, maybe now I’d be running my own garage now, with my pink overalls and misogyny free atmosphere. Maybe not. But my underlying emotional state, driving me to do something I’d wanted to do for 15years or more, might have (almost certainly had) a huge effect on the way things played out. I did not have the skills nessescary, the self confidence or belief in my entitlement to be there, the ability to self care and manage stresses in a safe and healthy way. To say it all went horribly wrong, thats accurate.

With the right skillset though it might have worked out the way I imagined it would when I started on that path. So faking it did not work, and nearly killed me in the process. It conpletely wrecked what little confidence I had, and led to a path of recovery that is now in its 9th year. This in itself is no bad thing, but…. its been 8+ years of physical and emotional challenges beyond anything I ever envisoined for myself. And I had a pretty shitty upbringing!

Why am I rambling about this stuff? I kinda dont know. I have been increaslingly unsettled the last few weeks, struggling to care for myself, creeping further into self harm territory. All the time, trying to tell the world that somnething is very wrong. But my autonatic habit of not showing pain (weakness) not being able to communicate (not knowing how to access internal stuff) and being so pigheadedly stubborn about being seen as self sufficient (not asking for help) really has not been any fucking help in processing whatever IT is. Today I’ve been pushed over the edge.

The last few days Ive been fatigued, lightheaded & nauseus, my knees are week and I’m physically unstable. i can barely sleep, have been over eating and consuming foods that I shouldnt. been filling my time up so much that I dont have any real relaxation periods. spending money like its going out of fashion and withdrawing whilst keeping a facade of okayness and funcionality. basically most of the things that are absolute warning signs that shit is not okay. And today I slipped over into having serious RAM issues in my brain, a growing feeling of panic and strong paranoia. Which has forced me back into my house, because even though its not a safe space for me anymore, its still safer than outside. Especially when I start disassociating. This is breaking point, this is where things could get dangerous if I cant mend it very soon. I’m scared, and maybe I’m scared because I dont know what the fuck is happenening, or going to happen. I’m definitely scared that my career choice will implode, as it has done before, twice. I definitely dont like the unpredictable and fluctuating nature of whats to come. Maybe I’m an idiot and am just going to fuck it all up, again. Maybe I am not cut out to be a fucking human being. Maybe i’m just overthinking it all and creating anxiety about stuff that doesnt need to be. Maybe I”m not in control.

Before my hyatus writing stuff down used to help me process it, work out what the issue was and hopfully give me a starting point on where I could start with the healing. So I thought I’d give it a try again today. I hope it helps, but so far I’m not feeling any better. I may well take myself down to the crisis service as I dont feel safe around myself. If I can manage to leave the house that is. I genuionly dont knwo whats going on right now and its fucking terrifying.

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