I dont want to do this anymore

For the last 6+ years things have been incredibly difficult around this time of the year. I self harm with greater intensity & frequency. Suicidal impulses become extremely vivid, and very scary.
And I can’t talk
It’s not that I don’t try, or that I don’t know what’s going on. Though every year, life has crumbled to such unbearable shit that there’s too much broken crap to wade through and minimal spoons to do so with.

This year it’s no different. Well actually it is, I’ve been in a bad way for over 18 months. In some way I barely recovered from the crash 2 years ago and have been struggling along all this time, trying to convince myself that I’m doing well. And though I have succeeded in many things, asked for and received help in several areas and pushed myself to make those necessary alterations. And things genuinely are improving. I feel, despair.
Most of the time I feel very little at all and what I do feel is fleeting or dependant entirely upon certain circumstances (such as the company of particular people) the rest of my life is filled with a quiet rage, a desperation to FEEL with an overwhelming apathy to do anything about it, combined with intrusive images of severe acts of self harm.

I don’t like it.

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