I have a perfect solution!! ….shame it’ll never work

Okay, so. My house is A MESS. And that is an understatement. 

Its awful, I spend lots of spoons trying to get on top of it, make a small dent, thoroughly clean the bits i can get to, then have to spend several days recovering. During which time the daily stuff builds up again and I never get to a state where I am happy that its all clean and tidy. Its horribly depressing and holds me back in so many ways, draining what little motivation I have and sucking all the pleasure out of being home. 

My bed is the cleanest, tidiest place, which is part of the reason I spend so much time there. Even that suffers from my natural territorial marking behaviours…..spreading my shit* all over the place.

Of course it doesnt help that i am a hoarder. Its something I amt raining myself out of though it takes a long time, plus is one of those behaviours I fall back on when my mental health becomes very unbalanced. Buy stuff = be happy. Which of course doesnt work and is another big problem I am working on, spending money when manic or very low. It almost never ends well.

I am stuck with tonnes of crap, no space, no spoons and nowhere to relax and recuperate. Except the bed, the cleanliness of which depends on my health and/or the help of others, as I live alone and dont have a partner that means asking someone to come round and help. And though I do occasionally do that its not something I am comfortable with.

So, to get back to my solution. 

I realised that what I need to do is move out! Come back a couple times a week, do a bit of clearing, cleaning, tidying etc and then leave before I can mess it up again. I rekon that a few months of doing that would be enough. Then i could spend my spoons maintaining the tidiness, have the space to relax and rest properly and not be eaten up stress. I could feel free of never ending doom.

Its such a wonderful thought, to be free of it. Something I dream of all the time, when I am not thinking of just setting fire to it all and walking away. Though I dont want to do that, i also dont want to spend months ‘living’ on the street or in a tent in the park as that would be my only options for moving out. Shame, as it really is such a perfect solution.


*Not actual shit!


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