Very recently I encountered a whole load of prejudice, at the end of a long and agonizing day. A day in which it so happened that several anti sizeist articles/memes had appeared, thus that was fresh in my mind. Although I am always primed to challenge, defend or question anything felt to be an injustice.
Already at the end of frayed and raw emotions, stirred up by fattist attitudes. from people that throw their closed minded assumptions and prejudices at others who don’t fit the prescribed ‘correct and morally acceptable’ body type. never asking, listening or caring about WHY someone is the shape & size they are. assuming so much about them and almost certain to be wrong on every narrow minded stinking shithead comment.
Added to the blatant sizeist bullshit is sexist ageist patronizing crap that offends nearly everyone around.
Sickeningly there are always those that will allow or even participate to remain viable for inclusion with the (in this case somewhat failing) alpha and his aging weakening pack of utter fuckhead douche bags.
failure to recognize and treat everyone with the respect they are due is such a horrible human trait. we’re all guilty of it at some point I’m sure, its something I consciously work on when I recognize implanted and adopted prejudices in myself. though there are times, like now, where I find it near impossible to separate my hurt and rage from the catalyst that has cut me deep and released the volcanic rage within.
part of me feels such ancient and incredibly unfair and unfounded notions fully deserve the full wrath of my prejudice throw in return to theirs. the thinking part of me says don’t bother, don’t waste your time and dont even acknowledge it. allowing thinking brain to negotiate with emotional brain I come to the conclusion that I NEED to vent.
the internet was clearly designed for that purpose and so here I am.
Now a day later as I was so affected at the time I was barely able to form coherent fluid sentences. I’ve had a terrible night, the worst its been for a couple of years. I found myself wishing my pain onto those others, just for a day. so they can see, so they can taste what its like. they wouldn’t really know, a day of pain is nothing like a week of pain or a month of pain, or years of pain. but if I could just give my pain to someone more deserving of it, just for one day, they *might* consider not being such a narrow minded bigoted misogynistic sizeist ageist suburbanite shithead.
I had actually begun to unwind and relax after the worst week in a long time.
had successfully managed to brush of the feelings of hostility emanating from certain people and put it down exhausted paranoia. fiiiiiinaly somewhat relaxed and with pain levels reduced to a now bearable level I then walk into the proverbial and BOOM that’s me crushed and hurt with absolutely no reserves to protect myself from this sideways cowardly attack.
of course, as bullies are cowards by definition, there was nothing said directly to me, just at me from a safe distance but clearly ABOUT me. the thing that probably saved me, and them, is that the person who let me know was so furious herself at what she was hearing that there was never any doubt in my mind that what they were doing was absolutely wrong and unacceptable.
I dont know that she knew they had been talking about me, if she did she didnt show it, she was already angry when i got to her, I asked her what was wrong and she began describing what HER BOSS had been saying about a paying customer, it didnt take me long to work out that he’d been saying such horrible and nasty things about ME. Her absolute rejection and offence at the shit that was being said kept me strong for a short while, long enough to retreat to my rented room, where i then sank into a whole universe of pain and anger.
it wrecked the good work i had done to cheer myself up, it wrecked my night, and it wrecked today. despite my best efforts to not let it get to me it has, in a big way. I understand the reasons why it has had such an overwhelming effect, and in some small way that does make it a little easier to deal with. but only a little.
I dont really have much else to say, i just needed to rant and espress my anger. though i am curious, given the circumstances, what would you have wanted to do? Or more realistically actually have done?
here is an article I had read earlier in the day, I have to admit that i’ve not yet finished it. it is brilliant and hillarious in the way it deals with the hatred, but it is such a hate filled horrible original post that i couldnt take any more…. http://www.shakesville.com/2014/02/today-in-fat-hatred.html
and here is something positive, coz if you’ve read that you’ll need it
and finally, this is an article that I wish the horrors from yesterday would read, and understand. http://lifeinpain.org/node/2151