Even my worries have got worries

Things have been rather doom and gloom lately.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am processing a few issues, big issues, too big for me to comprehend as a whole. So brain has slowly been settling into a system of break-it-down-into-small-manageable-bits, each of which is itself huge! Until the moments where I am able to allow myself to dig for clarity I’m unable to ‘see’ the big issue, but I’m working on it.

Though that does mean that much of the last couple weeks I have been depressed, angry, paranoid, agoraphobic, socially phobic and tearful. The crazy vivid dreams are back, fibromyalgia building to a level that cannot be ignored, fluctuating fatigue and now I am headed into a new menstrual cycle which is always draining and often emotionally unstable, it’s feeling like it could be a bad one too.

It’s annoyingly common for things to coincide, each aggravating another condition triggering a slow cascade of ever darkening despair. Body and mind exhausted and struggling to cope with everyday life.

In unusual contrast I’ve also been more productive, doing bits of housework (including the dreaded washing up) regularly, sometimes as much as 3 days in a row. Brain seems to have finally come to accept the need to do a tiny bit at a time.
At my current rate of progress it’ll take me a year or two to vanquish the depressing mass of hoarded crap, piles of rubbish, stupid amounts of housework and “stuff” (not to mention my coursework, business plans and work!) but at least I’m doing it and accomplishing something.
Eventually it will trickle down into brain give greater positive feedback. I look forward to that.

In the mean time I have little to no actual feeling about it. That’s the thing about depression, i just do stuff, unfeeling and barely conscious, suicidal thoughts flashing by and occasionally being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions leaving completely debilitated for days.

It’s a confusing time.

I have, kinda by choice isolated myself, so talking to someone about this stuff is difficult. I miss having a person I can turn to, having made my choice I need to find another way to blow off steam and reduce the risk of escalating psychological problems.

I’ve thought of calling the Samaritons, not got any further than thinking, yet.

This Buzzfeed article is fairly good as expressing some of the anxiety I’ve been dealing with…! 24 comics about anxiety

Hopefully there will be a breakthrough soon, I don’t enjoy being this low and in so much pain.


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