It’s been a hard year, really hard.
I’ve moved forwards lots, made loads of progress. Learned lots of painful lessons
And it’s been so difficult, such an incredibly steep learning curve, the levelling out nowhere in realistic sight.
I do manage to appreciate what I have achieved, which is a magnificent amount. But it’s so hard to ‘be happy’ about those gains when all I feel, nearly all the time, is pain.
Physical, emotional and psychological pain, singly or in combination with one often triggering another. Of such overwhelming enormity at times that I can’t see beyond it.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I don’t like not knowing.
I’m terrified. And hiding it.